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Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My husband I have been married for 7 years.

Customer Question

My husband I have been married for 7 years. We were basically high school sweethearts. Two yrs after we were married we had our first son. We suffered through a lot of fertility issues, including a time where I had a tubal pregnancy, which the doctors had to terminate the pregnancy that led me heartbroken and no one to cry on. My husband just ignored me and never once offered any support during this hard time, which drove us a little bit apart (emotionally). A while after we connected again and had our twin daughters. This was very challenging but we stayed pretty close. Then when the twins were two months old we had found out that I was pregnant with my last baby. So I had four kids, our oldest was 4 yrs. I hired on nanny to help out with the kids, which helped a lot with them. However, my relationship with my husband just keeps going the other way. All we do is argue, I lost the ability to argue back, it usually ends with me walking away because I don't care no more. My husband doesn't appreciate anything I do, and lectures me for every little thing. I can honestly say we don't love eachother any more. We stay together for the kids. My brother and his wife got a divorce and there kids are so messed up emotionally. I don't want my kids to be that way. I don't know what to do. We saw a marriage concealer and it helped a little but I think our love cant be repaired. What should I do?

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Hello. I'm sorry to hear all of the issues you are having with your husband. It can be very upsetting when you have children involved. I am sad to hear you say that you are staying together for your children and that you use your brother as an example of the results of a divorce. Please do not compare your brother's example as the way all divorces end up. I guarantee you, there are many factors that come into play when a divorce happens. Research has shown that it is much better for parents to divorce than to stay together for the sake of the children, because the opposite actually happens. When children grow up seeing a loveless marriage, they use this as an example of how their future may turn out. They will also know that their parents are staying in an unhappy marriage because of them, which always leads to self esteem problems and in a lot of situations, hatred of their parents for placing this guilt on them. Staying together for the children is one of the worst things parents can do psychologically speaking. How you and your husband handle a divorce is what makes the difference. In my opinion, if you feel that there is no hope and that you are both not in love anymore, that you should separate FOR the children. Showing them an example of how to be happy and separate instead of together and miserable is the way to go. it is the handling of the divorce which makes the difference in the children's lives. There should be no blame, no pointing fingers, no "it's your father's fault", etc. Explaining to them about love and relationships, treating them as much like adults as you can for their age is how you gain respect from your kids. If you don't want your kids to be messed up, then make sure they aren't. You and your husband are in control of that, not the action of divorce itself.
If you are interested in researching this subject, there are many articles and books written which will support the things I have told you.

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