How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
13551071
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Do you have information for singles who are looking for dating

Customer Question

Do you have information for singles who are looking for dating and relationship? I am new to this and don't have backup my parents and everyone else has invested their time in my life someother way? Where do I start? I need more than just day to day crushes or puppy love.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I would like to help. Can you tell me how old you are? This will allow me to help you better.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Hello! I am 37 years old

jenhelant :

Have you tried anything so far?

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I am trying so hard to escape my ex because he is very abusive! I have a couple crushes on these really nice men and I keep getting trapped into my ex's abuse and yesterday lost myself again. I want to date someone new so bad just because the world is so much better then me and my kids see.

jenhelant :

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I do commend you that you are trying to get away from your ex and would say to continue to stay away. You are right the world can be so much better than what you are all seeing. You did the right thing for you and your children. Stay away from him. He will just keep you all down and it is dangerous. I understand that you want to meet someone else and I will try my best to help you with that, but before I do I just want to remind you that happiness is not within a man. That may not need to be the only way to stay away from your ex. I know how bad you want someone and for them to treat you good. You deserve that, but sometimes it does take time to find the right person. However, you and your children can be happy and see the world in a different light even without a man.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I have a case open with the police department and need some time to report his abuse is continuing because he is threatening me if I contact the police something will retailate. I am scared of him now because he is so mean. He is the one that left us and why he can't just leave us alone! I have never hated someone since I was divorced in 2006.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I am not worred about happiness because I am by nature happy of myself and family. I just want to date because I don't want my heart and feelings to get lost along the way.

jenhelant :

This is terrible. He said if you report it someone or he will retaliate?

jenhelant :

I understand how you feel.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I am unsure. I think he will send a police to retaliate from his town

jenhelant :

Your feeling are always there regardless if you have a man. Just becareful not to fall into the arms of the wrong person due to wanting it so bad right away.

jenhelant :

That is scary situation. You may want to contact a domestic abuse center in your area. They do protect women as well.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Do you have the steps to take in order to make sure the person is not a criminal? or something else? I just thought that dating happens when you talk face to face or phone. But, before I am alone on a date or something how do I make sure he's not a creep?

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Yes, but only a little. 12 hours a day

jenhelant :

It is difficult these days. Especially online. If you meet someone online then never send them money that is number 1 since there are a tremendous amount of scammers out there.

jenhelant :

If you meet anyone anywhere you can run a background check on them online.

jenhelant :

You can even go into public records through your local court and surrounding areas to see if there is any pending case on them.

jenhelant :

As for the background check you would need to pay for that through a secure site you choose online, but that would tell you their whole history whereas the court sites will let you know what is pending.

jenhelant :

Also, when you meet someone you can pick up on signals. Since you have experience with this you can use that for your new relationship to look for anything that may not add up.

jenhelant :

Some ways to find someone can be on dating sites, but that is risky, never meet in private, and you can run those checks on them as well.

jenhelant :

You can also join local clubs for something you are interested in and meet someone that has the same interest as you.

jenhelant :

There can also be programs at your local library and community college some are free.

jenhelant :

I would not recommend meeting someone like at a bar. The place where you meet someone alone says a lot about who they are and what they enjoy.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

The first guy I like he is the one I can't see any signals..now, he never shows up at work when I am his customer. I really wanted to talk to him but he makes me so shy I clam up. As for clubs, I am in all I can handle and most of the men are smokers or possibly gay. I don't want a smoker. What should I do? This worker that I spoke about is the one I have left but he is nowhere to be found. Maybe, do you think I scared him off if someone spilled the beans that I liked him? I am from a small town and they talk about pretty much everything.

jenhelant :

Even a fitness club is good, but need to be picky in there as it would be better to find someone there who wants to be healthy and not just buff to get lots of women.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I don't go to bars just weddings

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Fitness centers are so last year

jenhelant :

He may have been afraid of your ex since it is a small town.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

OMG

jenhelant :

Could be a possibility. Maybe he will come back. I know it is not easy to find someone. Sounds like your into a lot of clubs already. What about dating sites. Sometimes we end up finding our love in places we least expect it when we least expect it.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I did some business with him and he was the only one that paid attention to me. However, it wasn't my best hairday or my makeup wasn't fresh. He is sweet and kind not stuckup or unprofessional. Will it take more business proposals to get him back? I have one on backup but after that I need some advise to talk more with him.

jenhelant :

So that is good if you have the chance to see him again. I would say do your back up proposal and try to make small talk with him. I know you want your hair and makeup to look good, but sometimes its just cause it takes time and not cause you weren't looking your very best. Try making the small talk because that can open more doors to know more about his likes and pastimes. At each meeting you would need to try and do this. If you do not have many meetings with him then you may want to be direct and ask him out for coffee or something you both may like. I know this is risky, but it may be something you may want to try.

jenhelant :

You have nothing to lose with it just the answer may be more direct.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Do you have any suggestions? Small talk with someone who is absolutely gorgeous is so hard because he is special.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I can't ask him out. I am scared of that.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

The only thing I have left is Bible Study but I am new and feel uncomfortable myself.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Plus, what if he does go to church with his family then I wouldn't look good.

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

Or we will be different religious affiliations

jenhelant :

I do understand that. You can say something like " Have any plans for Thanksgiving" This will give you an idea what he does with his time and also if he is seeing someone. You can also talk about business. Each time you see him the talks can grow more and more. You can then say something like " Any plans for the weekend" This will also tell you more about how he spends his time. Then in these talks you will get a good idea if he is interested or not. You will see is if he answers in an interested way. Does he ask you questions. Does he try and continue or cut it short. Do the conversations get better or remain the same. All these things will tell you which direction it is going then you can ask him out somewhere if he doesn't first.

jenhelant :

ChrC

jenhelant :

Church

jenhelant :

Is a good ting

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

How about talking about his job? Will that sound like I am just a full blown customer?

jenhelant :

TalSome reason my chat is not

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

This sound like a hard date to create

jenhelant :

Allowing me to type good

jenhelant :

I will switch it but worry we can continue

jenhelant :

There

jenhelant :

Worry

jenhelant :

I am sorry worry

jenhelant :

Don't worry

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I wish it was as simple as delivering him a sausage buscuit and OJ to say I love his body!

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I did that already it works also

jenhelant :

Don't worry we will continue in a minute

JACUSTOMER-7s31fput- :

I did it with a summer fling but it wasn't mine I think he was my neighbors

jenhelant :

My chat is not wrking well

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
Here we can continue. Sorry about that before. I could not type correctly in the chat.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


I have to dock this laptop


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I think church is good, but only if you believe the same thing as the church you are going to. There you may be able to find someone. But if this person goes to church that is a good thing. Maybe you can invite him to your church. Talking about work is a good start. Yes, will seem like a client, but is a way to open up the doors and add some other talk in there as well.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Most likely, he will be from a different denomination. So, I will wait to a better opportunity in the future. I will stick to business and take your advise on some small conversations. I hope we will be able to talk longer than a few minutes of my business proposals. He seems so interesting I can't wait to meet him.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
That sounds like a good plan. I hope it all works out for you! I wish you all the best!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


Are you available for more?


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
Hi, Sure!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I just ran into him again and clammed up! I don't know if I can be that agressive to talk to him. Are most women agressive?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
From what I see most women are not aggressive. Don't worry about trying to get him at one shot that will make you more nervous and feel pressure. The best thing is just to make friendly conversation and let things happen naturally. This can help take the pressure off of you while helping things progress.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.


His looks and manners make me shy away. This happens when I am attracted to someone. My son almost spilled the beans out and asked me in front of him if he is the one I like now? I told him we would talk later about it. Being his customer makes me feel so good yet so alienated because I don't want to wreck things if my behavior won't cooperate. Will we be dating someday? OMG wish you knew the future.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I wish I did too lol. My job would be so much easier :)
Don't let good looks or manner do that to you. That is notmal, but try and be yourself. Little by little without rushing things. Good thing your son didn't say anything, but wouldn't it be good if it happened to help!!!

Don't think about trying to accomplish everything all at once. Take it one step at a time.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I almost want to get up to perfection for him just to date him. I would even babysit with him just to spend time together. On one hand, he challenges me to perfeckt myself so he loves looking at me too yet, what can it hurt if I get his attraction factor to heat up? He might be a little promiscuous and not be telling me with his signals. This might be the way to get him to talk to me? What are the boundaries for a slutty 37 year old to "the one"? I want to be "the one"

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Taking too long
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
Sorry for the delay. No one can ever be perfect. The best way to be the one is to be yourself and get to know each other. Then you will see if the two of you have a good connection with each other.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

We don't know each other yet. How can I get a chance before someone else can connect with him during the times I can't see him? I am a busy with people all the time working two jobs and balancing my family and friends. I want him in my circle of friends too

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
It would be up to you in order to make time for him. The small talk as we spoke about is pretty much the only way to start something then go from there.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I am out of the decision making because I only see him when he is at work when I go as a customer. I don't ever want to get him in trouble if I visit without purchasing and don't want him to lose his job for visiting with a customer. How to mingle in a work environment?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
Its hard to say without knowing the setting. You want to tell me a little about that.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Why sure if you want to know. Its' a gas station. I think he is the manager.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I would say just try talking to him when there is less people. If it is difficult to chat in there your only option may be to be direct and ask him out. Unless you bump into him outside of work in order to be able to make the small talk. If there is no way to communicate then it would be very difficult to move further unless he then initiated it.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

So compatibility may be lesser than I expected? Thus, Appearrances between us is on the border because communication between the two of us is more important? I can't fix any of these things because of work environment correct? because I am not an agressive woman just deeply infatuated with this man. Do you have any more advise for me to build a deeper relationship with him? I will take one more word of advise before closing this session...I don't want to lose this challenge do you want me to win his heart and maybe his kiss?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
Yes, communication important even to start anything at all. The situation does make it difficult since you are being considerate of not wanting him to get in trouble at work. That is good of you. I hope you do win his heart and his kiss. How about when little closer to thanksgiving you can say something like "hey any plans for Thanksgiving" like I said earlier. Even around the holidays you can write him a card just for the holiday, but also adding your feelings in there lightly, so you don't scare him away. You can add your number if he is interested to call you. This may be your last resort, but I don't know how you feel about going back to that gas station if he ended up not calling you. It is something to consider though. In the meantime I would just try the small talk as your schedule allows until you can write the card. Take advantage when you talk about business to add the small talk at those times. I think these are your best bets at this point without being too agressive, which I know you do not want to do. If this seems to get nowhere you can always start to look elsewhere, but I see how much you are into him, so I would try these things first.

I wish you well. Come back here and update me in the future if you'd like.

Hope it all works out for you!

Jennifer

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1664
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    915
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/mschase2u/2009-01-04_010319_chaseface.jpg Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    853
    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/AL/aliciamiller/2012-4-9_21330_profilepicture.64x64.jpg Alicia_MSW's Avatar

    Alicia_MSW

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    453
    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/NP/nphbrown/2012-7-30_24048_ImYrManSerious1.64x64.jpg Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    414
    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    366
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions