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itadow
itadow, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2
Experience:  I have been doing couples counseling for a number of years. I borrow teachniques from Imago therapy.
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me and boyfriend just brokeup after being together for 2 and

Customer Question

me and boyfriend just brokeup after being together for 2 and half years. i didn't see the brakeup coming at all he only started acting strangely about 2 weeks ago and he said he was unhappy but didn't know why and he said it had nothing to do with me. During the brakeup he didn't explian himself the real reason he was brakeing up with me he just saidthat it was because he wasn't in love with me anymore but he was perfectly fine a month ago andseemed actracted to me just fine. He keeps sending me mixed signals just i few days ago before the brakeup he was tlking about moving in with me to his mom. i don't know what to do cause i still love him and want to be with
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I am so sorry this is going on with you. This can be very frustrating especially since he does not know the reason. Sometimes people can be unhappy within themselves and they blame the relationship or the person they are with meanwhile that is not the case at all. They are also times where some people can not handle a long term relationship because "the honeymoon phase" is over and it is now day to day more as a routine. What some people do not realize is that relationships do take work in order to stay healthy. However, they do not realize this and continue to look after happiness and the "honeymoon" phase with someone new whereas the real answer is within himself. I think the best thing you can do write now is to write him a letter of how you feel, what you would like for the relationship, how you are there for him, and that you will give him his space . Then I would suggest not contacting him for a while even though I know it is difficult, but just doing that will actually be counterproductive. By giving him space you will allow him to sort out all his feelings and try to figure out what is going on inside of himself. If he truly loves you he will come back. In the meantime you can take care of yourself to try to take your mind off of it that way if he is ready to come back in the future you can then evaluate your situation to see if that is still something that you want and at the same time you will be all the more positive since you did not let the break up take control of yourself, but rather took care of yourself in the process. I wish you gentle wishes and please let me know if I can be of further help.

jenhelant :

I apologize if one sentence was confusing. What I meant was It is best to not contact him and give him space even though I know it is difficult because if you continue contacting him that behavior will be counterproductive since it can push him further away.

jenhelant :

When you come back online please let me know if I can help further and I am here for you.

Customer:

thanks for the help. i have been focusing and trying to move foward it makes me feel alot better i finally found myself again and now in the process of not changing but improving myself. However hes going to texas to visit his old friend and staying a couple of days but he is bringing back his friend back home for a couple of days. I want to talk to him before he goes back to texas or should i wait until he comes back? If i wait to talk to him and ignore him until his trip comes ups it wil be almost 2 weeks of ignoreing him. So should i talk to him and what should i talk about when i do see him?

jenhelant :

Hi, I think you are on the right track. My opinion is you wait until he comes back and at that time just try and make small talk. Try not to mention your relationship, but rather make conversation on a friendly basis. There will also be a lot to talk about since he would have just came back from his trip, so this is a plus as well.

Customer:

How can i get him back after i give him his space and make my relationship with him stronger so this doesn't happen again?

jenhelant :

This all depends how things go during this time. It is too premature to say at this point. All this would need to happen first. You may not need to do anything to get him back since it may just happen naturally during this time. But to make your relationship stronger you can look at past mistakes and try to work on those things. Also, good communication is very important as well as team work. The two of you working through issues as they happen rather than holding them in. Talking about anything and everything as well as spending time together strengthens the bond between both of you.

Customer:

Is there any tips your can give me to help me getting him to open up and talk about whats going on and also trust exercises to help build are communication skills and team work?

Customer:

my ex just text me and said "Hey, how are you doing" Do i just ignore him or do i text back? and if so what do i say?

Customer:

I don't want to seem desperate but at the same time i want to talk to him idk what to do

jenhelant :

If he contacts you then sure go ahead and respond.

jenhelant :

Just talk with him and see where it goes naturally. Try not to impose questions on the relationahip rather just converse.

jenhelant :

Some men naturally have trouble opening up about their feelings. However, time spent together, communication, time with backing up words with actions all help build the bond and trust.

jenhelant :

YOu can try this activity when you feel the time right. Each of you write about what you like about each other And yourselves as well as dislikes.

jenhelant :

Then what you both like And dislike about the relationship. As well as what each of you would like happen in the relationship.

jenhelant :

Then compare notes. Agree on the good points, what the two of you should work on, And what is minor and should be let go.

jenhelant :

Then plan to work on everything together. Rather than blaming each other you can work as a team. This will help strengthen the bond.

jenhelant :

Keep in mind that activity is more for when he is willing to try the relationship again.

jenhelant :

Right now it seems like he may be confused and going through things. Make sure he knows you are there for him. When you talk to Him try ad focus on how he is and what you can do to help.

jenhelant :

Just by being their and him seeing your sincerity he may then open up to you since you have been together a while.

Customer:

So i just have to wait for him to open up and tell me something about the relationship and then i can try this activity?

Customer:

I don't bring up the relationship until hes ready to talk about it?

Customer:

and can you give me an example of useing backing up words with actions?

Customer:

I text him back the following day and we just talk small talk nothing about the relationship but can i now contact him even if he doesn't contact me first. i want to go over to his house and bring lunch for him and his mom useing his mom as an excuse to see him and i just want to talk to him nothing about the relationship is that ok to do that? or is it to soon or should i invite him out for lunch

Customer:

what does it mean when he text me after the brakeup does it mean he still loves and cares about me?

Expert:  itadow replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
I hope I can add to your information. Sometimes men get frightened if they feel they are getting too close.
Talking about moving in may have produced the "fear of commitment" syndrome. Be patient but try not
to push too much. He may be scared.
itadow, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2
Experience: I have been doing couples counseling for a number of years. I borrow teachniques from Imago therapy.
itadow and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
HI,
If he texts you after the break up that is a good sign. Yes, that activity would need to be done when you both are at least talking about getting back together. It may be good to give him space, but if he contacts you then you can ask him if you can bring him lunch. I would not advise using his mom as an excuse. He may pick up on it and could annoy him. I would say better not to take that risk. Backing up words with actions is pretty much following through with anything that is said. If one of you says you will do something then be sure to do it or else you will lose credibility. Whe something that is said is also shown through action that builds trust.
I see you accepted another experts answer. I am not sure if that was a mistake or not. If so, you can accept mine or contact customer service.

Please let me know if I can be of further help!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I went over to his home not to talk about the relationship but to tell him that i am here for him and i suport him we ended up talking about the relationship and we are friends but he said he still needs time to think. Im pretty sure now that are relationship ended because we wern't happy with yourselfs and i told him that and i think he knows he still loves and cares. He was attracted to me because he said i was turning him on just by standing there what does that mean? and he said he understands but he still need time. Should i wait until he contacts me again?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


he alao said that are talk made it harder on him and he'll talk to me wen hes ready i hope i didn't mess up i love him so much and i know he loves me this is so hard and i want him just to be with me and im afread after waiting for an answer from him he'll say no and not wanna be with me i fell like were really meant to be and he has told me countless times how much he loves me all on his own. this is so scary and i know if he really loves me he'll want to be with but im just so scared for an answer. He couldn't have stade with me for 2 years and not love me right?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
He has told you many times that he loves you. I think he is going through things within himself. He even said you standing there made it hard for him. He is going through things and may not know how to open up about it. I would suggest he see a counselor because that can help him sort his feelings out to determine what is going on. It is easy to confuse our own feelings and insecurities with not being happy with our partner when in reality we are not happy with ourselves. It is a good sign he is being friends. He says he needs more time to think, so that is the best thing you can do right now. It would be up to you how long you wait around since you can always reevaluate your situation in the future if he were to change his mind. Don't think of this time as waiting around rather take advantage of this time to take care of yourself and have more time to do your things to better yourself. This way you will be better for him if you do get back and for yourself. I would wait now until he contacts you since he is wanting the space then you will now how much space or contact he want.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


how do get him to see a counselor? i told him he should see someone when we we together to short out his unhappyness he sais that there was no way he was going and im not supose to contact him? So what do i do?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
When you do speak to him when he contacts you then at the right time when he is talking about his feelings or something in that fashion you can mention counseling and how you have heard it can help people deal with their feelings and feel better. Unfortunately all you can do is encourage it and suggest it, but he needs to be the one to want to.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


My uncle says hes going throw a phase and that all guys go throught it and he starts questioning everything and takes it out on people closest to him. My uncle says he went through this phase for 3 months. During are conversation he told me he was growing up he thinks because hes hanging out with his co workers that are twice his age and that can buy him alchool that hes more grownup but its not true at all and i hope that he sees that being grown up his about takeing responsiblity for ones actions i hope he sees that. Do you think he'll figure that out on his own?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
He should be able to figure this out on his own and grow. We grow through experiences that happen in our lives. He may be going through this phase with all these changes and is confused. Some people take longer than others to work it out. It is all depends on the person. Through mistakes and consequences he will also learn and grow.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

 


Ok i think i have all the questions i needed answered. Is there anyting else i should be aware of and can do?

Expert:  itadow replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry that I logged in previously. This became an open session.
It can be hard to accept our powerlessness when we are grieving
over the loss of a relationship. It sounds like you love him very
much & having your heart broken is very difficult.
I wish you well.
itadow, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2
Experience: I have been doing couples counseling for a number of years. I borrow teachniques from Imago therapy.
itadow and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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