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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I need help. My college sweetheart and I have reconnected

Customer Question

I need help. My college sweetheart and I have reconnected after 32 years after his having found me on FB last year. We lived together for a year during school, and I with his family for one summer, and then we never spoke again until now.
I am on the west coast, and he is on the east coast. At first we were just talking then he started sending me flirty texts and then it just progressed from there. We saw each other for the first time last May and have seen each other 4 times since then, and text, talk everyday. We love each other and have discussed the future. The problem, is that I am married and my husband has Alzheimer's. Our marriage has been over for 4/10 years and I am preparing now to look at assisted living situations for him.
I am willing to leave my family, job and the beautiful SF Bay Area where I live to be with my first love, but get mixed messages from him frequently that turn me into a needy, freaky, jealous child. What has me upset today is that after seeing him last week, and talking for three days straight, I don't hear from him. I just become fearful, confused and not like myself. I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I do understand your concerns. First off I think you are doing the right thing about your husband. It seems that your relationship has been over for a while and is not only due to being in contact with your first love. I would handle that before going further with your first love.

It is very concerning his behavior. You did not mention if he is married, but that is a possibility of why his actions. I understand how all these feelings came rushing back to you, but he may not be the same person that you remember. You cod be in love with a memory and may no longer be a reality. I would take this a little slower and try to get to know this new person since so many years have passed by. Especially before making such a huge change in leaving everything you have and know. I am not saying not to, but may just not wan to rush into it. I understand how it is hard to control your feelings, but as you may know that things in the beginning can be very different. It is not day to day life, so easy for people to show their good sides. This is very exciting for you due to the situation, but if possible try and control these emotions, so you do not jump into something you may not normally do.

I would try talking to him about this disappearance, so the both of you can be on the same page. Communication is extremely important. There are many reasons why this can be, but best to see what he says when you discuss it with him and then go from there. Get to know him better and enjoy this time. If you take It step by step you will be able to control your emotions as well as talk with him to be on the same page. You can also see how things progress from here and if this continues or gets better before making a drastic decision in either direction.

I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.

Thanks,

Jennifer
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi Christine,

I am sorry that you were not happy with my answer. Please let me know what I can do further to help. I would love to clarify or try to help you further. If you could give me some feedback I would greatly appreciate that. I apologize for your unhappiness with my answer.

Regards,

Jennifer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Didn't tell me anything I don't already know.

Used poor grammar and made spelling errors.
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
I agree with the above experts answer on the analogy of the situation. I am going to try to give additional information on how I see things in hopes that I can answer your question from the information that you have provided.

First, I would like to say that I understand that you feel that this is your second chance at love with this other guy, and perhaps it is. However, I think rushing into things and wanting to uproot and move is a big mistake. Especially since he is not treating you good right now. If you were to move near him and he is not on the same page with you, then it would just lead to more confusion and heart break.

Before even moving forward, try to get a grasp on what this old love wants to do. I see that you guys have talked or text everyday. But perhaps being in a relationship with you right now may not be what is on his mind. Which would explain the mix signals.

I see that you have already told him about this behavior yet his still continue to do it. This tells me that he knows how you feel, but has chose to ignore how you feel and continue the behavior. Which is really a disregard for your feelings. It is possible that he is not as invested in a relationship right now as you are, perhaps he is not ready for a real relationship. It is not to say that he will never be invested in a relationship, but right now he is not. I do think he cares about you, but you need to figure out how deep his caring goes. He can care about you, but not want to be in a committed relationship with you. I think before you make a decision, you need to find out exactly where he wants this relationship to go with you. If he says that he wants a relationship with you, remember actions speak louder than words, and disappearing is not proving that he loves you.

In short, you have a lot to deal with, with your husband. Perhaps it best to focus on that for a while and get your mind off of this other guy. If he wants to be with you, then he needs to prove it. If as you mentioned, he is unwilling to do that, then perhaps it is best that you take the relationship for what it is. A chance to get to know each other and to connect again, but do not take it too seriously because he may not be ready to move to that level with you yet.

I hope that I have answered your question, if not, please try to give me more information on what is that you would like to be answered.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I guess you missed the sentence: "we love each other and have talked about the future. It is he who is pushing for me to move to be with him.

I'm done here; waste of time and money.
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
I am sorry that you do not like my answer however like I said action speak louder than words. If he wanted you to move in with him, then he would make it happen. If he wanted a relationship with you, then he would make it happen. I am not saying that he does not love you, I am saying that you two may not be on the same page, since he seems to disappear on you and you have patterns on not hearing from him. If he was really interested in pursuing you long term and having you near him and a relationship with him, then he would not do something that he know you do not like, and would not disappear for days, he would not risk losing you again. I am sorry that you didn't like my answer, but I was just giving you an observation from the outside looking in. In any case I will opt out and let another expert give you advice in regards XXXXX XXXXX situation, the best of luck.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

not helpful

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I am sorry that you have not received the help that you have hoped to get and expected. You have said that the problem is that you are married, but since you are moving towards assisted living for or other care for him, you are meeting that challenge.

Your other problem is getting a firm commitment from you friend on the east coast. After all, you are willing to make tremendous sacrifices to be with him.

If he is seriously committed to you then it is essential that he reciprocate in a positive and unambiguous way. If he cannot tell you to go ahead and give you every reassurance, support, encouragement, and meet your willingness with enthusiasm and joy, then he is not the man for you.

You must have an equitable relationship and you must be the precious one in his life. You are prepared to move mountains for him and he cannot offer you more than ambiguous, half-hearted commitment.

If he cannot offer more, then you will have to say was a nice dream, but reality showed that is could never have been.

It is so frustrating when you see to almost win the prize or goal, but then you find that it didn't really have the value that you hoped for. If this is true, then take a deep breath and move on with your life. Someone out there will be delighted to know you and find you unconditionally wonderful and worth sacrificing for and adapting to.

I wish you the best outcome.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you; what is most concerning, is that it is he who wants me there, wants me to help him run his medical practice, tells me he has never loved anyone the same way, I am his soul mate.
I don't think I have any right to put demands on him since I am married and have tried to end this several times, but he will not accept it.
I want to understand male psychology; why be in touch all day for days and then nothing or very little? The only reason I can come up with is that he is with someone else, which is fine. I have told him nothing would make me happier than if he found someone to be happy with. I just wish communication was consistent, but maybe that's unrealistic.
I will not make demands: eg, I want a call every morning and every evening as I am married, we are 3000 miles apart and neither if us has any extra cash to make the situation easier. I tried to break it off last weekend when I was visiting and he threw up and cried for at least 30 minutes saying heist me once and never will again. I am just so confused. I know I should just stop it, but am afraid I'm giving up a second chance with they've of my life.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

Unless he is a liar (and I do NOT think that he is), then take him at his word: that you are his soul mate. He wants you there with him. He does not want you to end the relationship. From what you are telling me, I agree that you should NOT end it but see it through and make it work.

The inconsistency in communication is a bit of an unknown, but it may have a combination of explanations.

He endures a great deal of stress, and is under-supported and perhaps underfunded in trying to run his medical practice. This pressure and strain may not always allow him to be able to put on the positive face he would like to present to you; therefore, this is making him a bit reticent about contacting you at times.

He is very highly wound up with depression and/or anxiety at the moment. You saw it for yourself, when he cried for 30 minutes in your presence. He may have these spells at other times and keeps them from you.

He has further pressure concerning your relationship. He understands that this is an awesome responsibility, to steal you away from your old life and have the strength to honor you by being worthy, consistently.

I see clearly now that you must persevere. Give him space and accept his lapses in communication as inevitable for now. You have nothing to lose.

I do not believe he has anyone else. Having you is as much as he can handle now, and then some, but he is hanging on tightly to you.

I recommend that you hang in there with him. Now that you have revealed enough of your story for me to see the broader picture, I urge you to go for the goal. It seems like it is worth waiting for. You have the time to let this grow and unfold, and have many important tasks to complete in the interim.

I think that you both can make this real if you don't despair. His only other mistress is situational depression and anxiety, and hopefully he can get some help with it.

My best wishes to you for a wonderful future


Warm regards

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear friend,

Thank you so much. May you gain the prize. I will keep you in my prayers.


Warm regards

Elliott

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

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