I wanted to follow up on this question. I am still in this relationship and have attempted to end it several times over the past two weeks. We have had deep talks... she promises to change make corrections to the things in need... but I still feel like I have to leave.
The problem is... I cant get the words out. I feel like a coward... but I don't want to hurt her, I love her and am desperately afraid I will instantly regret this decision.
I have had multiple opportunities to say it is over, but... I haven't. In fact in spite of myself I have re commited! We are going to look at a house right now... what is wrong with me?
So... need some advice... We have broken up before and I have physically been in pain... as has she. She has no one else... is totally alone and will be devastated.
I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Or we can start a new question. Let me know which one works for you. Thanks!
Of course! Either is fine with me.
Ok great. Thanks for letting me know.
It sounds like your guilt over leaving her and your memoryof how painful a break up was for you is interfering with your ability to let go. You seem like you are sure about leaving until you go to tell her, which is a step that you cannot take back. The hurt will begin and you may feel that the guilt will be too overwhelming for you.
It is not easy to break up with someone. And it doesn't helpwhen she is so willing to fix what is wrong in the relationship. But it doesnot sound like fixing things that are wrong will change how you feel. If youdon't want to be in the relationship that leaves you with two choices, stay andfeel miserable or leave. So be sure that leaving is what you want. If you areunsure of that, take some time to explore your feelings before you do anything.Take time on your own and think through what you will do when the relationshipends. How will you feel? Good, bad or indifferent? Do you want to leave to findsomeone else, or are you ok leaving without starting a new relationship? Youdon't want to leave just so you can find the excitement of a new relationship.So be sure you would be ok on your own if you ended things. That tells you thatyou find issue with the relationship itself and not just that you are boredwith it.
Once you decide for sure what you want plan it out either onpaper or in your mind. That will make it easier to follow through, if you knowwhat you are going to do ahead of time. Then, find a time to sit down with hersomewhere quiet. Then tell her straight out. If you feel the doubts creepingin, ignore them and keep going. Be prepared for her to get upset, angry or verysad. And be willing to accept her feelings. But also be determined to stickwith your decision no matter how hard it gets.
Make sure she knows that this is not about her. Let her knowhow great a person she is. And be willing to accept full blame, even if part ofyour reason is because of her. She does not need to cope with that now.
If it helps, write out a letter to her. By doing this, it can help you clarify your feelings and give more permanence to the break up. Tell her good things about herself, spell out that you are leaving but that you respect her and don't want to hurt her. Give it to her after you talk to her. It can help make it easier on both of you.Kate