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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have been dating a girl for about two years now. she is 25

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I have been dating a girl for about two years now. she is 25 years old and She is going through a hard time. Her parents divorced when she was young (13) and she never got over the abbondonment issues. She fought so hard to keep her family together and last month her mom decided to move across the country. We are trying to move out and buy a home together but our plans keep on changing because of money issues. she feels stressed out all the time.

She has been sulking and feeling bad ever since. I dont know how to help her and I am running out of patiance waiting for her to get over this. She says she just needs to greive but this is affecting our relationship. she does not want to do anything other than feel bad for herself? I dont know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
It is very difficult when you see someone you care about in pain and they will not help themselves. Your girlfriend seems like she has been through a lot with her parent’s divorce and her feeling about her family being together. And mourning her loss makes sense. However, it seems that your girlfriend may have a bit more energy invested in the situation that what is called for. By that I mean being upset over your family breaking up is understandable. But your girlfriend is an adult now and needs to realize that her dream to have an intact family is not going to happen. Letting go of that is a process. But holding onto it may indicate other issues at play here.

For one, your girlfriend could be depressed. Often when something bad happens in our lives we feel sad for a period of time. But sometimes the sadness turns into depression due to other factors like unresolved issues from childhood, etc. In that case, therapy may be needed. However, you mentioned that your girlfriend is not willing to go to therapy. People resist therapy for many reasons. Not wanting to resolve their issue is one. Sometimes people become depressed and lack the motivation to change. In that case, you may want to keep encouraging your girlfriend to try. Involve her family if possible. Also, encourage her to try self help. Sometimes a person who will not see a therapist but will read a book or other resource about their situation. Here are some resources to help you:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/living_depressed_person.htm

Keep in mind that you can only do so much. If she is unwilling to help herself, you may have to just remain supportive. Continue to encourage her but also let her know that she needs help if she is unable to resolve this herself. And also tell her how it is affecting your relationship when she does not help herself. Be sure to not make her depression the issue but her lack of motivation to resolve it. And finally, be sure to care for yourself. You need to reduce your stress so you can be there for her.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


She has seen a therapist when her parents got divorced. She went for a few years. she was diagnosed with depression and has been struggaling for a long time with it. she is off medication and does not seem willing to go back on it.


 


Im my mind she is acting like a baby. I understand that it is a hard time in her life and this is a big change but I cant sit here and let her feel bad for herself because she needs to learn how to deal with change and disapointment.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Depression can be a very difficult illness to cope with. The lack of motivation to do anything to help yourself is a hard symptom to deal with because it prevents the very thing you need to do to overcome the depression.

She either may not be able to help herself or she doesn't want to. Either way, it is going to be difficult to get her to change. That leaves you to decide if you are able to continue the relationship as it is or move on if you feel you need to. It is hard to face that kind of choice but the stress of the situation may not improve as time goes on and that leaves you in a difficult position of making that decision.

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5419
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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