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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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hi, just need some help on what to do next or not do. Im

Customer Question

hi,

just need some help on what to do next or not do. Im 28 and was seeing this girl for 4 months, she was only 18 but it was really really good. had loads in common and such a good laugh. everything was going so well, looking at holidays, talking about xmas etc. and then one day she just text me saying she was unsure, then said her ex had text her and she was having thoughts of him and it was unfair on me. We were still texting everyday, but i was getting mixed signals. i went to meet her a week later and while with her i got a call saying she had slept with her ex 4 days after those first few 'unsure' texts, it killed me.
She has said things like, 'you make me really really happy' 'your an amazing guy' but she is just confused. i told her how i felt and she said 'thats all i wanted to hear' but when i said do u want to meet she said no.
I avoided contact, but i was getting the odd text just saying how are u etc and a drunken call 2 weeks ago. this all happened 4 weeks ago. i havent now heard from her for 8 days.
The thing is i do like her alot but am not sure i would trust her now anyway. the normal me would just be like see ya.
What should i do, i no avoiding contact is a good idea but for how long.
Im also not sure if i just want her to come back so i can lose this feeling
it all just seems so odd, is it her age?

Thanks
Ben
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello Ben, I’d like to help you with your question.

Part of why your girlfriend is acting as she is could be her age. She is very young to make any commitment and even understand what she wants. And even if her age is not a factor, it is likely that the relationship with her ex is even a bigger factor. From what you said it sounds like the relationship they had may have been dysfunctional.

For one, they broke up for a reason and if they have not addressed that reason, it will still exist. So their relationship is already on difficult ground. Two, if she is still contacting you, then she is not sure about her ex. Anyone who goes between two relationships usually has issues that are not resolved or they are unsure of their own feelings. Three, if she is contacting you when she is drunk and has never shown signs of drinking like that before, she may be using alcohol to cover her feelings, a sign she is not doing well.

You mentioned that you feel you would not be able to trust her if you did resume your relationship. That is important to consider since trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. Right now, she is not thinking of you but of herself and is hurting you in the process by not being trustworthy. It is easy to want to stay in a relationship that you remember as wonderful in the beginning. You may want it to continue. But since the relationship has deteriorated because of your girlfriend’s choices, it shows that she may not be ready to do what it takes to sustain a relationship. In that case, you may need to let go of her and move on. That is not easy to do when you had a lot of hopes, but staying in a relationship where you are getting hurt is not worth it.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


yeah i agree with everything.


 


She has said she isnt with her ex and it was a massive mistake. since i found out she slepy with him on that evening i also realised she text me after...what!!!


 


Its so hard because literally the day before she turned up with holiday brochures and it was fine. i do think he must have text, she got confused and did what she did.


 


I am avoiding bumping into her but this feeling is nasty.


 


so you think i should not even bother texting?


what we had was so good, i just hope if she texts il be strong enough to say no


think her parents may play a part, they hated the age gap


 


Its just hard to understand how someone can change so quickly really

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

It is hard when things change so quickly in a relationship. However, it seems that this is a sign of how volatile things are for her in her life right now. And add to that her behavior with contacting you after she slept with her ex and saying she is not in a relationship with him, which does not sound true. That is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.

You may want to write down what you want to say to her next time she calls. That may make it easier to say goodbye. Or you can write her a text if you feel you cannot tell her verbally. That way, it makes it easier on you. But either way, this is not a good relationship for you. If this is how she is now, she is unlikely to change in the future.

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

May I help you any further?

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It's pretty much as I was thinking, thanks

A lot of my friends and family think its more to do with me being scared of being single, I was in a 5 year relationship before, then went straight into this, could that be the case. Coz I never thought I would be like this lol

I guess at least I can walk away with my head held high, and I'm sure one say she will regret it, we will cross paths through friends, but I no when I think that I deserve better..
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Time will help. But you have said pretty much what everybody says and they no me well, and they can't believe I even considered speaking to her again! I'm sure she will get in contact coz I was nothing but nice but I will just ignore it, enough pain has been had and I'm not playing her games!

Thanks for your help and confirming all that's been running around in my head...

If I get back with her please find me and slap me haha

Have a good weekend
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Lol! You're welcome. It sounds like you are in a good place with the situation.

My best to you,

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok I have been fine, having a really bad day today though, want to text her so much. Might be because I had a few drinks last night and it has made me worse!

It's been over 2 weeks, and the thought of her maybe being ok and not thinking of me is driving me mad

Should I text?
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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