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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1425
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi!My husband and I have been together for six years and friends

Customer Question

Hi!My husband and I have been together for six years and friends since 1999.Every time my husband and I get into a really bad arguement he leaves me and our two boys for days,weeks,sometimes months.I always take him back,while he is gone he is using drugs and cheating on me with sometimes with a variety of women.Last year he was gone for six months,I had a hard time taking him back I even cheated on him once cause I just was not sure I wanted him back.Now that we are separated again,I confessed and told him I cheated,I filed for a divorce because I can not do this anymore,this marriage is driving me insane.Now that he knows that I cheated,everything is my fault and I am a whore.He is making me feel guilty.Is he right???
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Absolutely NOT is he right. This is a toxic and horrible situation that you and your children are in. He is emotionally abusing you and your kids. I am glad you said you filed for divorce and I hope that you stick with that plan. This man is a very bad influence on your children and you should not take him back after the repeated things he has done to you. He has an issue with control, which is why he is allowed to cheat but you are not. People who love each other and have a good, functioning marriage and who are true friends would never ever do these things to another person. You need to take your kids far away from this situation. Your two boys are learning that this is the right way to treat a woman and they will do this to their future partners as well if you let this continue. He is using you and controlling you. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. Do not allow him to try and get back into your life whenever he feels like it. Save yourself, find happiness, either with someone or without. You don't need a man to feel good, but there are lots of men out there who would never think about treating a woman so badly. Stand up and be strong. While your cheating was not the solution, given all of the things that he has done, it is a symptom of the problems both of you have in the marriage. Do not allow your boys to grow up with this type of role model. It is not healthy at all.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1425
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I agree with you,and my friends and family have been telling me the same thing.This morning I woke up missing him and I texted him,but I did not say that I missed him,I feel like I miss him for our boys or maybe I miss him,I don't know, but he was very rude calling me a whore again,and I asked him if he was going to be there for our kids and he said look at them in the faces and tell them that the reason why he wasnt here anymore is because of me.He also told me that he has a girlfriend and he wants a divorce which is fine but he has only been gone for two months and now he is playing house with another women,it makes me so mad,because the only reason why he has freedom is because i bailed him out of jail $3,800.00 he only lasted for two months at home.He promised he would never leave me again ecspecially if I bailed him out.I feel so stupid.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
Don't feel stupid. Use this as a learning experience and move on. I'm not going to say you shouldn't miss him because you have known him for so long, anyone would feel some level of attachment. You just have to understand the damage he is causing you and most importantly, your children. They are watching all of this and learning every day. You need to make a good example for them and show them what a strong woman who refuses to be treated so badly will do for them. If you won't do it for yourself, you HAVE to do it for them. When they are all grown up, think about the impact all of this will have on them and what you can do to reverse it. You need to work on your self esteem a little bit and know that you are much better than this. It's never too late to change things and turn it all around. Start now.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Right.Do you think I should get our children counseling?I know I need it.I feel angry,I feel like I need to make sure he goes back to jail for a long time,he has a warrant out right now and I feel like I would feel better if he got sentenced a long time,and what can I do to help the district attorney,because they offered him 4 years but then I bailed him out.I told my friend that I wanted to help the DA with the case against him and she said I was just waisting my time.Am I going crazy????

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
No, extreme feelings of anger are perfectly normal and expected after all he has put you through. Be careful about retaliation and make sure you and your sons are protected. Counseling would be beneficial to them if you do some research and find a reputable person with experience with children. Make sure it is someone who they feel comfortable with. If going is an uncomfortable chore for them, it will be a waste of time. Be prepared to try more than one if you need to. Not all counselors work for all people.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have never done this online counseling before,thanks.I have a hard time trusting people's word and I always feel like I need to get second opinions from other people.My divorce will hopefully be finalized in no later the two months,do you think I should change my numbers?and move?Because sometimes he does text me without me calling,and I get anxiety really bad.Also,about a month ago he was following me and showing up at my house 4 in the morning yelling at me from outside.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 3 years ago.
I think that given the history with him, changing numbers and whatever else you can do will be best. The longer you are away from his negative influence on your life, the better you will feel. You have friends and family to lean on. Don't ever be afraid to ask for their help and support, thinking you are weak to do so. Asking for help shows strength, not weakness. Look at your kids if you need a reminder to get you through a tough day. Building your self esteem will help you make better decisions on your own without always needing validation from others, but having input shows they care.

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