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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Question for Dr. Paige..... Well, I spent last week in the

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Question for Dr. Paige.....

Well, I spent last week in the mountains of western Md.....coming home a day early to be settled before the hurricane hit. It was uncomfortable the first day or two, being alone, but after that I started to enjoy myself....even thought I had come up with some answers to the issues raised by my husband's affairs. I felt by the end of the week, I had made some peace with it all and wanted to move forward and try to work on the relationship......boy am I glad I didn't give him the letter I had written (explaining how I was thinking)....within a few hours of being home, I was back into the stress and upset...reminding me of all the issues in our marraige. My husband is very's very hard to express your views around him.....
But in regards XXXXX XXXXX affairs, I just don't know it/how to get past this.....I am back to spending most of the night on the couch, to avoid his advances...and to be honest, I have a hard time just being around him or with any physical expression.
In addition to this, though very related, with the holidays coming up, I find myself not wanting to "do" anything related....we spend both holidays with his family (all my family is gone) and I am so tired of "pretending" that all is well...nobody know anything about our problems....
I don't know what to do anymore....but I am on the verge of hitting bottom...spent all of today just watching TV, not interacting with anyone......
There is absolutely nothing wrong with how you are feeling. He seems like a very uncaring, selfish individual based on the history you have stated. He knows and revels in the fact that you feel trapped and he doesn't think you will do anything about it because he thinks you can't. I think at this point, you have done about everything that you can do and he just isn't going to budge at all. This is never going to work because of his attitude. I might suggest seeking the council of a divorce lawyer to see what your rights are. Because of the nature of the divorce, being multiple affairs, you may be entitled to some sort of support. I do not know the laws specifically, so I can't comment on what your options are. There is no harm in looking into it, so you can at least gather some information.
I'm curious as to why you are glad you didn't give him the letter you wrote? I am hoping that at no point you would take any responsibility about any of this, or say anything which would make him feel like he was either justified or excused.
What I think you need to do at this point is make a plan. Find out exactly what you would need to do in order to leave him. Make a financial plan. How much would it cost to leave, find a place, feed yourself, etc. Put your mind to work in moving forward. You have tried to rectify the past. He did not respond. Now what are your options? He has shown you that he isn't going to change. So you are either going to have to live the rest of your life in misery as you have been OR start looking into resources in your area which will allow you to be able to leave the situation. I think you may be surprised at the amount of help out there. You just need to look into it locally.
I know you said that your family is gone, but what type of friends might you have which you can lean on?? Is there anyone you feel close to who can help you through this?
You are NOT trapped. There are options. There are many articles, books and success stories from women online who have been in the same position as you are now. If you have no one in person to be able to help you, look for some online support groups which may give you some courage to be able to change your mindset from feeling alone and trapped to feeling empowered and independent. Don't give up and give in. You can be happy. It may take some work, but it is worth the effort.
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