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Ask Cathy Your Own Question

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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its over but i cant let go...i text and call all the time ..hes

Customer Question

its over but i cant let go...i text and call all the time ..hes etting aggervated..he did say goodbye to me but also called me baby as we said goodbye..I have hopes and i know i shouldnt how do i let go and get rid of this pain...I cant stop thinkin of him all the time
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing, are you there?

Cathy :

I am so sorry that I missed you in chat as I think your post addresses an issue best talked about in real time

Cathy :

Hi, are you there?

Customer :

yes im here

Cathy :

Its good to see you

Cathy :

how are you doing?

Customer :

not well....lol...trying to let go...

Cathy :

okay we can work this out

Cathy :

its okay and I do know you are in a lot of pain, its okay

Customer :

i text and call all the time hes getting aggervated now he did say goodbye to me sadly as he called me baby...but im sure its over even tho i still have hope

Cathy :

I understand

Customer :

i think of him all the time i cant even function...having hope isnt good either

Cathy :

I know

Cathy :

this is hard but it is not impossiblre

Cathy :

impossible

Cathy :

so

Cathy :

lets talk about this for a few minutes and we can work this one out

Cathy :

ready?

Customer :

yes even therapy isnt working...yes

Cathy :

okay first of all

Cathy :

you are certainly not the first person to go through this

Cathy :

and in three years on Pearl.com I have had dozens of posts like yours

Cathy :

and in thirty five years of practice I have heard this so many times

Cathy :

and believe it or not, I am human just like you

Cathy :

so we can work this one out

Cathy :

got your box of kleenex nearby?

Cathy :

so you and I can chat?

Customer :

yes... ive done alot of crying...and my friends are tired of hearing it

Cathy :

LOL I am sure but that does not help you very much, does it?

Customer :

ive begged pleaded cryed for him to take me back

Cathy :

of course

Cathy :

because you feel as if you cannot breathe unless he takes you back

Customer :

no..friends are mad at me know cause i wont move on

Cathy :

You feel as if you will die if he does not take you back

Customer :

yes i want him back....but he says no...he just cant ive me what i need and want....no i wont die...but the pain is so intense

Customer :

give me

Cathy :

Okay first things first

Cathy :

you are not the first person to feel this way and you certainly will not be the last

Cathy :

so

Cathy :

this happens a lot

Cathy :

I see it at least a hundred times a year in my own practice and more online

Customer :

yes ive read every heart break book out there

Cathy :

that brings you no comfort at all

Cathy :

okay

Cathy :

so here is the thing for now

Cathy :

the absolute worst thing you can do is text, call, run into him accidentally and I am going to explain why in just a moment

Cathy :

are you with me here?

Customer :

yes

Cathy :

no contact at all

Customer :

omg

Cathy :

the best way to drive someone away is to inundate them with calls and texts

Cathy :

worst thing todo

Cathy :

in most endeavors in life we are taught to "press on"

Cathy :

to try harder, push harder, do more

Cathy :

and the one place,ironically,we do the most damage by pressing on

Cathy :

are in intimate relationships

Cathy :

If you are studying piano the best thing you can do is practice practice practice

Cathy :

keep going over that music, work until you drop

Cathy :

just keep pressing

Cathy :

if you are trying to lose weight you are taught to exercise more and more

Cathy :

just keep pressing

Cathy :

same with school and work

Cathy :

just keep pushing and pushing

Cathy :

but relationships, (and by the way no one ever teaches us this) are exactly the opposite

Cathy :

the more you let you go the better chance you have of winning them back

Cathy :

IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT

Cathy :

you have to leave him alone for him to come back

Cathy :

and I will explain why in two more parts

Cathy :

are you still with me here?

Customer :

yes im reading

Cathy :

Okay so here is the next thing

Cathy :

when we fall in love it is a lot like being high on drugs......our boss yells at us but we are okay because we are in love.........our car breaks down but thats okay too because we are in love......heck, a house falls on our sister and kills her and some girl named Dorothy comes by and steals the ruby slippers that have been in our family for generations and THATS OKAY TOO because we are in love

Cathy :

so

Cathy :

when we break up with someone whether they initiate the break or we do

Cathy :

we go through a kind of withdrawal NOT just from the person that we miss so deeply but also from that
"high" that we feel when things are going well and we are in love

Cathy :

the other things that our brain does is to fantasize, we think about cozy Christmas Eves by the fire and futures with beach vacations and whatever else. In other words, ALL OF US when we are in love, almost hypnotize ourselves into believing that our future happiness is dependent on this person and our love affair and it is not just you it is all of us

Cathy :

we all do this

Cathy :

we miss the whole package, the person, the dreams and the intoxication of being so in love

Cathy :

following me so far?

Customer :

yes...thats y i didnt want to give up...i went 4 days no text or anything after he said goodbye....today i fell weak and texted ISTHERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO FIX IT OR IS THERE NO HOPE AT ALL? he texted back that he would call me tonight...of course he hasnt called......

Cathy :

OK

Cathy :

so this is all good

Cathy :

OK

Cathy :

so this is what you need to do

Cathy :

do not answer the phone do not text, do not contact him

Cathy :

no contact

Cathy :

wait for him to contact you and then wait two days

Customer :

wow.....thats gonna be hard....ok

Cathy :

that is right

Cathy :

I am going to explain to you how to win him back

Customer :

he wont contact me....he said hed never beg me ever

Cathy :

so take a deep breath and lets together run this thing through

Cathy :

are you sure he wont call you, he said he would call you?

Customer :

yeah but he just says things like that and leaves me hanging

Cathy :

okay fine so this is what lets do

Cathy :

if he calls you do not answer. If he does not call you do not under any circumstances

Cathy :

contact him

Cathy :

lets surprise him

Customer :

i was just going to text back well its ok no big deal

Cathy :

do not contact him at all

Customer :

oh ok

Cathy :

do not text him at all

Cathy :

do not contact him for two days

Customer :

ok

Cathy :

if he contacts you this is what you do.............

Cathy :

You behave politely and cordially and you say

Cathy :

Oh Hi Baby, nice to hear from you and I am just a little bit busy now

Cathy :

so let me call you back later today

Cathy :

and then

Cathy :

you do not call him back

Cathy :

you do not call him back until you hear from him again

Cathy :

understand?

Cathy :

And the reason is that because of all the texting and calling on your part

Cathy :

he might be feeling smothered and more over responsible for your happiness

Cathy :

you see what drives others away from us is when they feel that we cannot be happy without them

Cathy :

they feel as if they are responsible for our happiness and this scares them off

Cathy :

so give it two days and if he calls be polite but too busy to speak with him

Cathy :

and do not, do not call him back

Cathy :

and if he does not contact you, understand that you need to move on from this

Cathy :

and the bad news is that it will hurt like all heck

Cathy :

but in 90 ninety days not so much.

Cathy :

I think it you stop trying so hard to contact him he will come around

Cathy :

but you must be strong and not contact him.

Customer :

hes a stuburn man im sure hes done with me...he went a week without contact he can go longer

Cathy :

Right now he is telling his friends you are clingy and needy and you need to show him that you are so not that

Cathy :

If he is that stubborn, his loss

Customer :

im sure there is no hope i just dont know how to let go

Cathy :

Erase his number from your phone so no way to contact him

Cathy :

and do not contact him, no facebook, no nothing

Customer :

oh i have ive blocked his number and everything

Cathy :

okay good

Cathy :

how old are you?

Customer :

43

Cathy :

great age

Cathy :

if you have a single friend who understands you lean on them

Cathy :

and focus on you

Customer :

married 22 yrs and divored and havent dated much

Cathy :

but in my experience

Cathy :

practicing since you were seven

Cathy :

if you leave him alone he will contact you again

Cathy :

and in this case I would say, do not go back to him,find someone else who appreciates you more

Cathy :

I am sure this is a nice guy and I am sure he is well intentioned but you need someone who is more on your wavelength

Cathy :

let him go by not contacting him again and do not look back

Customer :

wow....funny how everyone else has told me the same he was 55 and set in his ways

Cathy :

oh my dear god

Cathy :

really????????

Cathy :

You are very sensitive and very thoughtful

Cathy :

I wonder here

Customer :

so sad to let go of something i was so use to he was mean at times but i only think of the good he says he has no regrets and his conscious is clear

Cathy :

He says he has no regrets? and his conscience is clear? He said that to you?

Customer :

oh im too sweet for my own good

Customer :

yes he said that

Cathy :

Okay I take back my previous answers completely and instead I ask

Cathy :

whatever are you thinking?

Cathy :

you are sensitive and thoughtful

Cathy :

so what are you doing with someone like this?

Cathy :

You sound to me like someone who is looking for a real deal

Customer :

idk ( crying)

Cathy :

Okay and I so apologize

Cathy :

I have to ask you though, You are so thoughtful and so sensitive

Cathy :

can we just talk about you for a moment?

Customer :

no its ok......oh no!!!! i guess

Cathy :

What are you looking for?

Cathy :

someone like you?

Customer :

yes maybe

Cathy :

someone caring and someone who is thoughtful?

Cathy :

okay

Customer :

yes

Cathy :

okay

Customer :

but i dont want to be that way i want to be the tinman

Cathy :

hahahaha

Customer :

i dont want to love anything

Cathy :

and you are smart and have a great sense of humor

Cathy :

did it ever occur to you that maybe you should shoot higher?

Customer :

thank you....lol....yep had several ppl tell me to stop looking in the dumpster

Cathy :

You know the first sentence you wrote I thought, she is very smart and very thoughtful

Cathy :

so I have to take my earlier posts back and I am so sorry to disappoint

Cathy :

but

Customer :

no thats fine.... hard to tell whats going on for you im sure

Cathy :

I think so many men would adore you

Cathy :

what is wrong?

Cathy :

one eye in middle of forehead?

Cathy :

gaskets on neck?

Customer :

lol

Cathy :

fire shooting out of ears?

Cathy :

you sound wonderful

Customer :

lol...no lol

Cathy :

I cannot imagine many men not wanting to spend time with you

Customer :

im little 4

Cathy :

can you cook?

Cathy :

you are little?

Cathy :

explain please

Customer :

4foot 11 inch 125..fiesty ass really

Cathy :

okay now listen up

Customer :

but love too much

Cathy :

your height is not your heart

Cathy :

and btw I am not so much taller than you and I am pretty sure my grandmother was your height and she had nine grandchildren

Cathy :

and also

Cathy :

You are so smart and so intelligent

Cathy :

so many men would adore you

Cathy :

why are you settling for this?

Customer :

thank you doll...if i was a smart lady i wouldnt be sitting here desperate to fix my heart and make my pain go away..id already know how

Cathy :

You are a smart lady and you are competent and capable and loving

Cathy :

you just made a bad choice with this man

Cathy :

and we all do this no matter what our heights or weights

Cathy :

we all do this

Cathy :

so do not go blaming the height thing on this

Cathy :

you chose badly and we all do that from time to time

Cathy :

but you are so caring and so smart

Customer :

how do i make my brain and heart think of him no more....i want to be that sunshine gal that everyone use to call me. i cant find her

Cathy :

I know but I think you are in withdrawal.

Cathy :

And again we all do this.

Cathy :

Me too.

Customer :

so maybe in time i will just forget

Cathy :

we fall in love and we become so intoxicated it is hard to distinguish between the break up and the fail of the fantasies

Cathy :

and yea I know in time you will heal but if I tell you that tonight because you are in so much pain I do not think you can hear that, but yea, of course in time you will be fine

Cathy :

and in fact, you will look back and wonder?????????

Cathy :

what in heck did I see in that bonehead

Cathy :

and I personally think he lost a lot in you

Cathy :

Just curious, what do you do for a living?

Customer :

yes im sure i will....i hope someday when im over him he will contact me. then i win

Customer :

im work for a garden center landscape company..im an outside gal

Cathy :

Yes ME TOO and please be sure to contact me when he comes back.

Cathy :

Oh wow, that is amazing.

Customer :

cathy...could you do me one last favor

Cathy :

So are you old enough to remember Raquel Welch? she was a big role model for beautiful women in my era and not very much taller than you? Can you look her up?

Cathy :

oh yes I will try any favor

Cathy :

so long as it is legal, LOL

Customer :

pray for me...that i can become a strong women someday...

Cathy :

I already think you are not only a strong but very beautiful woman. You have shown me tonight tremendous sensitivity and intelligence and humility. I think you are amazing. I will think of you every day, but what I see and what you see are different women. I see a woman of huge stature who towers above most of us. I see a woman of huge heart whose strength is greater than she knows. Write me back down the line and let me know how you are doing. In the interim just keep going girl. I do not have my clients like you and you inspire me greatly. Take care, be safe and pick better men who appreciate you. I think you are beautiful. All my best, Cathy

Customer :

wow you have been an amazing person to talk too....thank you with all my heart.... best to you too sweetie.....THANK YOU AGAIN

Customer :

SHOULD I TEXT

Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Cathy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Cathy replied 1 year ago.
Hi, let me know how you are doing with this and know that you are in my thoughts. Hope you are well, Cathy

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