Hi and thanks for writing, are you there?
I am so sorry that I missed you in chat as I think your post addresses an issue best talked about in real time
Hi, are you there?
yes im here
Its good to see you
how are you doing?
not well....lol...trying to let go...
okay we can work this out
its okay and I do know you are in a lot of pain, its okay
i text and call all the time hes getting aggervated now he did say goodbye to me sadly as he called me baby...but im sure its over even tho i still have hope
i think of him all the time i cant even function...having hope isnt good either
this is hard but it is not impossiblre
lets talk about this for a few minutes and we can work this one out
yes even therapy isnt working...yes
okay first of all
you are certainly not the first person to go through this
and in three years on Pearl.com I have had dozens of posts like yours
and in thirty five years of practice I have heard this so many times
and believe it or not, I am human just like you
so we can work this one out
got your box of kleenex nearby?
so you and I can chat?
yes... ive done alot of crying...and my friends are tired of hearing it
LOL I am sure but that does not help you very much, does it?
ive begged pleaded cryed for him to take me back
because you feel as if you cannot breathe unless he takes you back
no..friends are mad at me know cause i wont move on
You feel as if you will die if he does not take you back
yes i want him back....but he says no...he just cant ive me what i need and want....no i wont die...but the pain is so intense
Okay first things first
you are not the first person to feel this way and you certainly will not be the last
this happens a lot
I see it at least a hundred times a year in my own practice and more online
yes ive read every heart break book out there
that brings you no comfort at all
so here is the thing for now
the absolute worst thing you can do is text, call, run into him accidentally and I am going to explain why in just a moment
are you with me here?
no contact at all
the best way to drive someone away is to inundate them with calls and texts
worst thing todo
in most endeavors in life we are taught to "press on"
to try harder, push harder, do more
and the one place,ironically,we do the most damage by pressing on
are in intimate relationships
If you are studying piano the best thing you can do is practice practice practice
keep going over that music, work until you drop
just keep pressing
if you are trying to lose weight you are taught to exercise more and more
same with school and work
just keep pushing and pushing
but relationships, (and by the way no one ever teaches us this) are exactly the opposite
the more you let you go the better chance you have of winning them back
IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT
you have to leave him alone for him to come back
and I will explain why in two more parts
are you still with me here?
yes im reading
Okay so here is the next thing
when we fall in love it is a lot like being high on drugs......our boss yells at us but we are okay because we are in love.........our car breaks down but thats okay too because we are in love......heck, a house falls on our sister and kills her and some girl named Dorothy comes by and steals the ruby slippers that have been in our family for generations and THATS OKAY TOO because we are in love
when we break up with someone whether they initiate the break or we do
we go through a kind of withdrawal NOT just from the person that we miss so deeply but also from that "high" that we feel when things are going well and we are in love
the other things that our brain does is to fantasize, we think about cozy Christmas Eves by the fire and futures with beach vacations and whatever else. In other words, ALL OF US when we are in love, almost hypnotize ourselves into believing that our future happiness is dependent on this person and our love affair and it is not just you it is all of us
we all do this
we miss the whole package, the person, the dreams and the intoxication of being so in love
following me so far?
yes...thats y i didnt want to give up...i went 4 days no text or anything after he said goodbye....today i fell weak and texted ISTHERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO TO FIX IT OR IS THERE NO HOPE AT ALL? he texted back that he would call me tonight...of course he hasnt called......
so this is all good
so this is what you need to do
do not answer the phone do not text, do not contact him
wait for him to contact you and then wait two days
wow.....thats gonna be hard....ok
that is right
I am going to explain to you how to win him back
he wont contact me....he said hed never beg me ever
so take a deep breath and lets together run this thing through
are you sure he wont call you, he said he would call you?
yeah but he just says things like that and leaves me hanging
okay fine so this is what lets do
if he calls you do not answer. If he does not call you do not under any circumstances
lets surprise him
i was just going to text back well its ok no big deal
do not contact him at all
do not text him at all
do not contact him for two days
if he contacts you this is what you do.............
You behave politely and cordially and you say
Oh Hi Baby, nice to hear from you and I am just a little bit busy now
so let me call you back later today
you do not call him back
you do not call him back until you hear from him again
And the reason is that because of all the texting and calling on your part
he might be feeling smothered and more over responsible for your happiness
you see what drives others away from us is when they feel that we cannot be happy without them
they feel as if they are responsible for our happiness and this scares them off
so give it two days and if he calls be polite but too busy to speak with him
and do not, do not call him back
and if he does not contact you, understand that you need to move on from this
and the bad news is that it will hurt like all heck
but in 90 ninety days not so much.
I think it you stop trying so hard to contact him he will come around
but you must be strong and not contact him.
hes a stuburn man im sure hes done with me...he went a week without contact he can go longer
Right now he is telling his friends you are clingy and needy and you need to show him that you are so not that
If he is that stubborn, his loss
im sure there is no hope i just dont know how to let go
Erase his number from your phone so no way to contact him
and do not contact him, no facebook, no nothing
oh i have ive blocked his number and everything
how old are you?
if you have a single friend who understands you lean on them
and focus on you
married 22 yrs and divored and havent dated much
but in my experience
practicing since you were seven
if you leave him alone he will contact you again
and in this case I would say, do not go back to him,find someone else who appreciates you more
I am sure this is a nice guy and I am sure he is well intentioned but you need someone who is more on your wavelength
let him go by not contacting him again and do not look back
wow....funny how everyone else has told me the same he was 55 and set in his ways
oh my dear god
You are very sensitive and very thoughtful
I wonder here
so sad to let go of something i was so use to he was mean at times but i only think of the good he says he has no regrets and his conscious is clear
He says he has no regrets? and his conscience is clear? He said that to you?
oh im too sweet for my own good
yes he said that
Okay I take back my previous answers completely and instead I ask
whatever are you thinking?
you are sensitive and thoughtful
so what are you doing with someone like this?
You sound to me like someone who is looking for a real deal
idk ( crying)
Okay and I so apologize
I have to ask you though, You are so thoughtful and so sensitive
can we just talk about you for a moment?
no its ok......oh no!!!! i guess
What are you looking for?
someone like you?
someone caring and someone who is thoughtful?
but i dont want to be that way i want to be the tinman
i dont want to love anything
and you are smart and have a great sense of humor
did it ever occur to you that maybe you should shoot higher?
thank you....lol....yep had several ppl tell me to stop looking in the dumpster
You know the first sentence you wrote I thought, she is very smart and very thoughtful
so I have to take my earlier posts back and I am so sorry to disappoint
no thats fine.... hard to tell whats going on for you im sure
I think so many men would adore you
what is wrong?
one eye in middle of forehead?
gaskets on neck?
fire shooting out of ears?
you sound wonderful
I cannot imagine many men not wanting to spend time with you
im little 4
can you cook?
you are little?
4foot 11 inch 125..fiesty ass really
okay now listen up
but love too much
your height is not your heart
and btw I am not so much taller than you and I am pretty sure my grandmother was your height and she had nine grandchildren
You are so smart and so intelligent
so many men would adore you
why are you settling for this?
thank you doll...if i was a smart lady i wouldnt be sitting here desperate to fix my heart and make my pain go away..id already know how
You are a smart lady and you are competent and capable and loving
you just made a bad choice with this man
and we all do this no matter what our heights or weights
so do not go blaming the height thing on this
you chose badly and we all do that from time to time
but you are so caring and so smart
how do i make my brain and heart think of him no more....i want to be that sunshine gal that everyone use to call me. i cant find her
I know but I think you are in withdrawal.
And again we all do this.
so maybe in time i will just forget
we fall in love and we become so intoxicated it is hard to distinguish between the break up and the fail of the fantasies
and yea I know in time you will heal but if I tell you that tonight because you are in so much pain I do not think you can hear that, but yea, of course in time you will be fine
and in fact, you will look back and wonder?????????
what in heck did I see in that bonehead
and I personally think he lost a lot in you
Just curious, what do you do for a living?
yes im sure i will....i hope someday when im over him he will contact me. then i win
im work for a garden center landscape company..im an outside gal
Yes ME TOO and please be sure to contact me when he comes back.
Oh wow, that is amazing.
cathy...could you do me one last favor
So are you old enough to remember Raquel Welch? she was a big role model for beautiful women in my era and not very much taller than you? Can you look her up?
oh yes I will try any favor
so long as it is legal, LOL
pray for me...that i can become a strong women someday...
I already think you are not only a strong but very beautiful woman. You have shown me tonight tremendous sensitivity and intelligence and humility. I think you are amazing. I will think of you every day, but what I see and what you see are different women. I see a woman of huge stature who towers above most of us. I see a woman of huge heart whose strength is greater than she knows. Write me back down the line and let me know how you are doing. In the interim just keep going girl. I do not have my clients like you and you inspire me greatly. Take care, be safe and pick better men who appreciate you. I think you are beautiful. All my best, Cathy
wow you have been an amazing person to talk too....thank you with all my heart.... best to you too sweetie.....THANK YOU AGAIN
SHOULD I TEXT
I will be thinking of you. Good Luck!