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BillLCSW
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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i got this from my boyfriend..is there hope or is he dumping

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i got this from my boyfriend..is there hope or is he dumping me in a kind way?

Thanks for letting me know how you feel and I'm sorry that my reactions are not matching your expectations for me, but I've told you time and time again that I'm not in a position right now to dedicate the necessary time and attention that you seem to need. I am still feeling crushed right now by everything around me and need space. Like before, I am going to need your patience, otherwise, it might be best for both of us to reevaluate what we want and what we can deliver. You are a wonderful person, and always will be for me, but I still need you to understand that I can't deal with these issues right now and need space. I'll be in touch when the dust settles, but until then, I won't be able to answer you. I'm sorry, but that's what I need now.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.

BillLCSW :

Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

BillLCSW :

I am sorry to see this.

BillLCSW :

I have worked with couples for 35 years and this is a very common way and style that a man breaks off a relationship.

BillLCSW :

In reading what he wrote to you- I see nothing that would lead me to believe that he wants to continue this relationship. This is a loss for you and you are best to accept it as such as this is the type of message that suggests that he is not capable of maintaining a mutually satisfying relationship- which is what you deserve.

BillLCSW :

This going to be a loss process for you but it is best that you work through this process and move on.

BillLCSW :

I am providing a link that will help you understand how to cope with the loss of a relationship:

BillLCSW :

This information will help you cope and work through this loss.

BillLCSW :

You deserve a healthy relationship with the following traits:

BillLCSW :

What is a healthy relationship?


A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:



  • Mutual respect

  • Trust

  • Honesty

  • Support

  • Fairness/equality

  • Separate identities

  • Good communication

  • A sense of playfulness/fondness

BillLCSW :

See the following link to help you understand what is how to find a lasting love- the ingredients of making a relationship work so that you find someone that will be able meet your relationship needs in a mutually satisfying way.

BillLCSW :

Should you have further questions- feel free to ask below- I am happy to help.

BillLCSW :

Otherwise, I wish you the best at this most difficult time.

BillLCSW :

Kindest regards, Bill

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

the background, he asked for some peace and quiet, to focus on his exams, a couple of weeks (he is a diplomat, trying to learn a new language), and I got into a panic that he was going to dump me, he asked for my patience, that he would get back to me, and I just had this gut feeling he was going to dump me...


 


I have since dealt with my confidence issues, according to him to have a "fear of success" self esteem issue (that ruined my career in sport and posed difficulties for me at uni/ and now at work" is embarassing, i think it is dead brave to deal with it


i am seeing a therapist about MY confidence issues, but need to focus on me in my sessions with him


 


is there ANY point in trying to explain this to Spencer at one point of time...? I AM getting better, understandign my drive for perfection, and then panicking I am not good enough to sustain success....


 


he really WAS there for me at 3 am in the morning, all the time, all the time giving me reassurance, but in the end I lost ALL confidence and told him so....that I thought he was going to dump me..which made him furious..! telling me to leave him alone.


 


HE had a sexual harasment case against him at work.., so I know he wanted to take things slowly...was afraid, is afraid I will get back at him, hurt him, and he was there all the time, all the time...but I have a bad history, of being dumped by a jerk just when I admitted to being in love...


 


he just needed time I know, we had been apart for 10 months, he came back, I was very wary, and cold, asking him, what do you want?! and just before he is about to leave makes some kind of crazy declaration of love, this is all he has been hoping for....and then when I kiss him back, ask him if "this is the real thing", and he says yes, and he freaks out...! that I cannot need him...


I have been holding back a lot of my emotions out of fear of being too needy, but when he says..."this is all I have been hoping for...." and this is the real thing...


i could not stop, I got into this crazy need of reassurance where he replied


 


I understand what you mean, and yes, you are a special person to me. That's why I went back to see you. I'm still sorting out how I feel and I don't want to say something I don't mean for the sake of expediency. Just be patient with me and like I said, I'll be in touch


 


and I just continued...to push him...telling him I was afraid he was going to dump me...which resulted in that message...


 


we have continued to fight...now he says


 


Will you stop doing this to yourself? I am asking for time and space, that's it. I am not telling you to go away or saying that anything's over or that you are not special, but with every text you bombard me with, do you realize that you are driving me further away? If you want me to stay in your life, please stop acting like it's the end, ok? I asked for your patience and I am still waiting for it. I implore you b/c I care about you, please give me space!


 


but as you say, if he LOVED me, he would not have put me here right..?


but I KNOW I WAS unreasonable, pushing him like crazy, he was under pressure, how to make things work, with us, for him, figuring out his feelings and demands...but I needed to know HE was afraid of losing me...


you cannot have a relationship based on him being there for me...that was my key point, and reason I was pushing him for his feelings


and given his track record of getting hurt (and cheating on his previous girl friend)


HE IS A GOOD GUY, I just didn't realise it and totally splashed out my bad life on him....


but I HAVE DEALT WITH THAT now...!


of course I became so pathetic that he just felt repulsed...


 


is there ANY point in even trying to explain to him?

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Jess-

The more you pursue someone the more likely you are to cause further distance.

I do not believe that you should try to communicate with him or try to explain anything to him.

There is an old saying:

“If you love someone, set them free. If they comes back, it is yours. If not, it never was.”

I think you have to let him go and move on.

Otherwise, You are likely to continue to obsess about this relationship and it will make you feel like you are going crazy.

There is a great book by Melody Beattie- "The Language of Letting Go" I encourage you to get it and read it. It is available at amazon.com


I trust this has helped and wish you the very best.

Kindest regards, Bill


I Appreciate your Positive Rating.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


as much as I hate to hear it, I needed to hear that


 


I messed up here...and I cant' fix it....that is part of beign a perfectionist..not being able to handle defeat...but it is not the Olympics


 


for me it is so horrible to part as enemies, it has been really, really hard words, and I want to part as friends...but I have to let this one go...


 


tks


 


 

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
Jess- you need not part as enemies-

Look at this as a guidepost and a lesson in relationships.

You will see in time that you have made the correct choice.

I wish you the best.

Bill
PLEASE LEAVE POSITIVE RATING NOW SO THAT I RECEIVE CREDIT FOR MY TIME.......

Thank you very much.

BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
BillLCSW and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


again thanks for your good advise, I don't know, but to let go, one has to go over what went wrong right, to just "drop" 15 months and forget all about it doesn't seem to work, I totally know at heart it is gone, you cannot breath love back in


 


for understanding/future learning, as I said, he was there for me, all the time, I know he replied to me at 3 am in the morning (european time), he was, he was, he was, and our last conversation was, i don't want to do this, but I have to, Jess you are drowning me, you have to sort your issue, and yes i did, because I have to, it cost me a place at the olympics and messed up my life


 


what made him so angry? i can understand it is not funny and sexy to have a girl friend with a perfectionist problem, but i expected sympathy not anger...


 


why is he so angry at me, he has been horrible, terribly angry and nasty, then when we said good bye I asked him, please give me time...ok? and he said ok...


 


i just want to understand...the anger?


 


i will read the book, realise I have to move on, I just need to understand what went wrong here...and I cannot ask Spencer himself...


 


still a bit obsessed, but getting there...:-)


 


//J

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

ha, I still have a problem admitting "defeat",


when to give up...i messed up, and want to fix it...


 


i did touch on that, which made him feel i didn't see him as a person....


 


tks, excellent advise..but when I have hurt him...how can it not be my role to fix it?


 


but thanks for your upright answer, needed somebody anaonymous on to tell me this, at heart I wanted to hear this, knowing at heart this is how it is...not girl friends who see the end of the "hollywood style romance with the glamorous diplomat"....


 


to give up is so totally against my nature! and I am so embarassed !!!!for messing up, making his life impossible!!! and dissapointed in me..that I was such an impossible girl..


 


he was veery patient with me actually...ok, so I have to let him go


 


tks Bill, amazing I need an anonymous person on internet to tell me this!!!


 


sometimes things are not more complicated than they are...


his last message was this....


"Time will tell, but right now, I can't do this anymore. I'm giving up and I'm done. I've tried to understand, but the emotional situation is out of control. I'm sorry, but I have to do this, for your sake and mine.


Please do take care of yourself. I am leaving the US now"


 


you see, he is a good guy and I messed up this time...poor guy, i was drowning him


 


but I am getting fixed, next time I won't do this...I am just searching for something in his message that he wants me to fix this...he was trying so hard, so long...being there for me all the time, he TOO was unable to let go, saying he was not going to reply and yet he kept doing it...right up til the moment he had to leave the country....


 



he will come back if HE wants an explanation... i don't need to fix this and should not try to....


 


but when is it time to try and fix it...he doesn't dare to come back, he thinks he is the root problem, that his coming and going caused this problem...that it is his fault, but that he can't fix me...


 


jeez, it is complicated...but I am taking care of my perfectionism, that is all i can do I gues...


 

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 1 year ago.
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