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DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
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HAD MY QUESTION ALL FORMED AN NOW AFTER A PHONE CALL TO YOU

This answer was rated:

HAD MY QUESTION ALL FORMED AN NOW AFTER A PHONE CALL TO YOU ALL CANT FIND IT AND I HAD ENTERED MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND THEN CALLED TO CHECK ON YOUR COMPANY WHERE DID IT GO?

DrFee :

Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.


 


I'm not sure what happened to your original question, it does not appear under your name. Can I perhaps help you with your question?


 

Customer:

YES TRYING TO WRITE A NOTE ONLINE TO A GUY THAT I CARE ABOUT BUT DONT KNOW HOW MUCH I SHOULD TELL HIM. HE WANTED TO DATE OTHERS AND SUGGESTED I DO THE SAME AND I AM DOING JUST THAT AND WONDERED HOW MUCH I SHOULD TELL HIM ABOUT WHO I AM DATING. THERE IS ALWAYS THE HOPE THAT IT WILL MAKE HIM A LITTLE JEALOUS. WE TALK POLITICS ONLINE AND I KIDDINGLY TOLD HIM I WOULD BLOCK HIM ON THE DATING SITE AND HE WAS QUITE UPSET AND OF COURSE I DIDNT DO THAT.

DrFee :

I think with any of our actions we have to consider what they might "cause," as a result --i.e. the consequences. It sounds like you think that making him a bit jealous might be a good thing, but it's important to ask, "would it?" "How will he react if he's jealous?" Which how he reacts may or may not be how you would react. How would you react if he did something purposeful to make you jealous? Would it be a positive reaction (want to get closer to him) or would it be negative (pull away) ?


 

DrFee :

So, same thing with your question about how much to tell him. How much do you want to hear about who he is dating?


 

Customer:

I WOULD BE JEALOUS AND MAD AND MAYBE GET A LITTLE VENGEFUL AND SARCASTIC BUT I DO NOT HAVE THE SAME CAREFREE ATITUDE ABOUT DATING OTHERS AS HE SEEMS TO BE. HE LOVES LABELING HIMSELF AS A WOMANIZER AND I AM RELUCTANT REALLY TO DO THE SAME BUT AM JUST DOING IT IN SELF DEFENSE

DrFee :

That doesn't sound appealing to me --a womanizer!


 

DrFee :

It may speak to where he's at in his life --not ready to committ to one person.


That must be hurtful to you!


 

Customer:

I KNOW AND I GUESS THAT IS THE PROBLEM I FELL FOR HIM ANYWAY I GUESS THINKING I WOULD CURE HIM OF THAT. WE ARE OLD SENIORS TOO IF YOU BELIEVE. THERE ARE SO MANY WOMEN OUT THERE AN SO FEW MEN. I GUESS I SHOULD JUST GO FOR THE SAFE ONES BUT THEY ARENT THE ONES YOU FALL FOR

DrFee :

That's a common mistake I think that many of us women make, that we can "cure" someone or "change " them from some way that they are. Yes, I know the older we get, the fewer men there are, that's a big problem.


So, what is so appealing about guys like him and not appealing about the "safe" ones for you?


 

Customer:

MORE FUN A CHALLENGE WHO KNOWS?

DrFee :

What do you want out of a relationship? Do you want comittment, long term monogomy, or do you want fun, good time, etc?


 

Customer:

I GUESS LONG TERM COMMITTMENT TO ME. THE GUYS BEEN DIVORCED TWICE AN IA M A WIDOW FOR ONLY 1 YEAR. I AM AFRIEID WHE BECAME MY REBOUND GUY

DrFee :

Yes, that's an important factor to consider. One year is not a long time to grieve the death of a spouse. How do you feel about just slowing down a bit and just enjoying his company?


 

Customer:

I DONT EVEN KNOW IF HE WANTS THAT NOW. I GOT MAD AT HIM AND DIDNT SPEAK FOR A COUPLE WEEKS ANT THEN I FORGAVE HIM WITH SOME SHARP CRITICISM ABOUT HIS LIFESTYLE AND HE RESUMED TALKING ABOUT POLITICS OUR VERY SIMPATICO BELIEFS AND I WAS GOING TO WRITE BACK AND TELL HIM ABOUT MY OTHER DATES HE HAD SUGGESTED I HAVE

DrFee :

I don't know that telling him about your dates is the most productive use of your communication with him. It sounds like you'd really like to say, "Hey I like you! I just want to be with you!" Which is honest --but vulnerable. If you don't want to be honest, that's understandable, but I think to tell him things just to make him mad and jealous isn't going to get you what you want, either.


 

Customer:

OK SO WHAT DO I DO THEN JUST FORGET HIM WHICH IS NOT EASY OR TRY TO BE FRIENDS OR WHAT?

DrFee :

Just be friends and enjoy the relationship that you do have. Be open to new relationships --I think.


 

Customer:

GOOD IDEA BUT DO I REFER TO OTHER DATES I HAVE OR BE SECRETIVE ABOUT THEM

DrFee :

Neither. If he asks, you can answer--simply and honestly. If he doesn't ask, I would just talk about other things. You're not being secretive that way, but you're not talking about other men/dates just to make him jealous either.


 

Customer:

OK GUESS I WILL PROCEED, COMMON SENSE SAYS JUST FORGET HIM AS HE WILL HURT ME MORE BUT THAT IS NOT EASY

DrFee :

Well, you could just limit your contact with him and pursue other men. You don't have to completely "forget" (don't think that's possible), but you can control how much of your time and energy you give him.

Customer:

TRUE. NOW IF I WANT TO DISCUSS THIS FURTHER DO I GET CHARGED ANOTHER $59 AND START ALL OVER OR WHAT. HOW EXACTLY DOES THIS WORK?

DrFee :

If you end the chat now, I am happy to follow up with you on the Q&A format for awhile without you paying again. The system may ask you to pay again, but you don't need to, and like I said I'm happy to send you some messages at no additional charge. If you post it as a new question, however, (even if you request me), you would have to make another deposit.

DrFee :

Does that make sense?


 

DrFee :

The Q and A format entails you posting a question, and I answer when I am online --it's not in real time like we are now.


 

Customer:

YES I UNDERSTANDCAN I MAKE A COPY OF THIS AND WILL YOU ALSO KNOW WHAT WAS SAID HERE TO REFER TO SO WE DONT HAVE TO REPEAT EVERYTHING.

DrFee :

Yes, our transcript will remain on the site, so I can refer back to it.


 

DrFee :

Even if you post a new question for someone else, they can look at this transcript.


 

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