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Ask Dr. Tiye Your Own Question

Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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I am lost and no longer know what to do. I am a mother of two

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I am lost and no longer know what to do. I am a mother of two and have been married for 6years, my son is 14 and our son is 7. My husband is very controlling and mentally abusive. I just want to call it quites but when i do he changes for a couple of days to a week. I work just as hard as he does and still have to have my own checking account in order to buy what the kids and I need, and when he sees I bought something he blows up because I am spending money that I could have bought more grocerys with. I have to hide and tell the kids to lie on what I buy. He is mean to my 14year old son and VERY hard on him. No matter what I say or do he wont change about it. I have to pay EVERYTHING for the kids from clothes to monthly lunch tickets, school sport and ect., everything I need, everything for the house, all grocerys, all of my bills. He makes a thousand and more than I do a month and he has always believed I can pay for it all plus more. I cant go out with my friends or family with out him because I could be cheating on him. I am just lost and at the end of my rope. My family and friends tell me to leave since I am so unhappy and a marriage is 50/50 not what we do. Please Help ;(
Hello, are you able to chat more about this?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Yes
Hello, I'm sorry but I believe two experts are trying to answer your question at the same time and I'm having technical difficulties trying to allow her to answer.
It sounds like you are in a truly abusive relationship and although it may not be physical, his verbal abuse and tendency to make you fend for yourself is unacceptable and not what marriage is about. It sounds like you have been forced to live this way for quite a while and you do not want to take this anymore. With that being the case, are you ready to wrap your mind around an exit strategy?
Dr. Tiye and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Many times we stay for our children but they are both old enough to see what is going on and your unhappiness. How is it affecting them?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
My oldest is always saying he wants to leave. He is unhappy. My husband also has two other kids from a previous marriage 15yrs and 11yrs. He treats them two like a king and queen, he says its because he has them only two days a week and every weekend and says he has to because they don't live with us full time. I some times think he hates my son and that's why he is so mean to him. I tell him that and he says its not true. Our 7yr old is confused about the whole situation.
Yes, more evidence that it may be time to improve your life and the life of your children. There's nothing like a child having to feel like a second class citizen in his own home. As you may know those effects can be devastating and build resentment that can last a lifetime. Your son may also begin to resent you for not taking him out of the situation. You have given your husband chance after chance. He obviously doesn't think you'll really leave. It sounds like its time for you to get some peace of mind. If he won't agree to therapy he is giving you no choice.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

If he was to change his mind and go to therapy, do I give him a last chance? I have so many mixed feeling, I hate him but yet love him and I am not sure why! He buys me things so I don't leave him and I know that isn't right either. I talk a lot to my son and tell him the pros and cons of us leaving and he likes to stay because we would live in town but doesn't like the idea of living in the country for at least a year for me to get back on my feet.
In order for you to take the risk and stay, your husband would have to do something radically different. That would equate to agreeing to go to therapy and work while he's there, treat your oldest son 100% better and pay at least half for family expenses.... Then he would need to sustain these changes. If he's not willing to do all of these things, he's not serious about wanting to make this marriage work.

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