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Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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My husband and i have been married for just over a year. It

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My husband and i have been married for just over a year. It all started when i wrote him a letter about a week and a half ago (i know, that's awful, but i didn't know how to approach him with it) saying that i felt like we were emotionally disconnected. He read it and said he kinda felt the same, but after that he seemed fine. I went to work and when i got home he wouldn't talk to me or barely even look at me. A week went by and he still wouldn't talk about it. He stopped telling me he loves me, stopped kissing/cuddling me and was completely avoiding me. He has a female friend from work that he was talking to about the situation. This friendship they have makes me very nervous even though my husband as told me over and over that they are just friends. The other day he finally talked to me and said he was unhappy with me and that i'm not the same person as when we were dating. I feel terrible, because i know i haven't been the most wonderful person over the years. I want to make this work. Has anyone gone through this in their marriage and made it through? I need advice on what to do! I haven't stopped telling him i love him, but should i just back off for a while? I am just so confused. I love him so much and i feel so empty without him around! He was friendly with me today, but he when i went to give him a kiss goodbye before i left for work he said not yet. Should i just give him space and let him think this over? And should i be more worried about his friendship with his female coworker?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Tiye : Hello,
Customer:

Hello

Dr. Tiye : it seems that your approach may be exactly right. Backing up gives him a chance to process his feelings and it does seem like he is warming back up. While your giving him space it would be wise to think about how you got to this emotional state and how the two of you can move forward. What are your thoughts about this?
Customer:

I agree. He has been alot more pleasant these last couple of days. He is actually talking with me, but he still isn't kissing/cuddling or telling me he loves me. I feel like this all started when i switched jobs. We used to both work graveyard shift so we were on the same schedule, but back in may i got a new job working mostly days so our schedules are complete opposite.

Dr. Tiye : Healthy Relationships are often our hardest undertaking in life. Our first instinct is not to connect with someone and become in tuned to them because most people are individualistic by nature. To remain emotionally connected to your husband you will have to put in a lot of hard work.
Dr. Tiye : This can include scheduled date nights, cuddle time, talking sessions, etc.
Customer:

ok. i am trying so hard to make things right, but i kinda feel like he isnt wanting to put in the effort back. Is this just because he is confused about his feelings or because he has given up?

Dr. Tiye : Even on different schedules, time had to be set aside for the relationship.
Customer:

should i just give him space for a while and let him figure things out? im also nervous about his female friend. Am i just being paranoid, or should i worry about it?

Dr. Tiye : But as you live you learn and as you're married you will grow. It sounds like you're husband may not do well with letters. In the time you set aside for weekly talks you can chat about your progress and efforts that you are both willing to make, but again he may need a little time. As for his co-worker
Dr. Tiye : I would ask him just that. "Do you intend on working with me to improve our love, or have I lost you." My guess is that you have not.
Dr. Tiye : For now I would focus all of my attention on letting him now that you are willing and ready to work.
Customer:

I have asked him that. The other day i was going to stay at my moms because i was very upset and sad, but ended up feeling worse there. when i came home, his truck was here but he was gone and i knew he was with her. I asked him if all this was happening because he found someone else that makes him happy and he said nothing was going on and she was just helping him through it. I still find myself getting extremely nervous. He has an hour for lunch at night and he used to always come home but now he doesnt. Im so afraid he is spending time with her. Im not so much worried about physical cheating, but emotional stuff.

Customer:

I think i can do that. I guess maybe i am just getting impatient. I love my husband so much and it kills me to think he might not feel the same anymore.

Dr. Tiye : So, yes it's easy to be a little suspicious especially when things at home aren't quite right but it sounds like your husband Could have already taken the easy out if he wanted to, but he has not.
Customer:

i suppose your right. I feel bad for not trusting him all the time, because he hasn't been dishonest, and i know that makes him feel bad.

Customer:

Thank you for your help.

Dr. Tiye : You're very welcome. Use this as an experience and opportunity to open the doors of good communication and whenever a problem arises be ready with the role that you are willing to play in the solution.
Dr. Tiye : I wish you the best in love and wisdom.
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience: As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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