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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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my boyfriend of six years broke up with me, we got into a fight..

Customer Question

my boyfriend of six years broke up with me, we got into a fight.. it started off because i was late by 10 min and he hates it when im late, but im really trying to work at it. and then we just kept arguing and arguing until it escalated into a big fight. he says that i have attitude and cant talk nicely, and i think he has a bad temper because he screams so much that he starts feeling sick. i know he loves me and i really love him. i know we can work at it, im just not sure how. what can we do to make the relationship work? and how can i even get him to agree to give it another try? i dont want to push him, i know i need to respect his space, i just really dont know what to do. Thanks in advance for your help!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.

It seems that the major problem is communication. The way you both speak to each other is very important. This can change the outcome of the entire situation. What happens is that its a chain reaction. One of you gets angry the other gets defensive then the other starts screaming and before you know if in less than a minutes everything is out of control.

You can not change him, but you can do your part and see if that helps him change. By changing your reactions in situations and the way you respond can initiate a change in him. You will still be able to get your point across, but will just say it in a different way.

For example if he gets upset that your late instead of getting upset or defending yourself. Try something life. " I understand I am late and you are right. I know this upsets you and your right cause it get get frustrating waiting, but I want you to know that I am working on this and trying my best. However things do happen in life when trying to get somewhere, so I hope you can understand " a response like this still gets your message to him as you told me you are trying and do have an issue with this plus we all know its life things happen that can make us late. But the way you relay the message makes all the difference. What would be his respond to that. It would be much more difficult for him to yell and scream to that therefor can prevent a big argument and if he did anyway don't feed into it. You can even leave the situation and tell him you want to handle this like an adult and to let you know when he is ready to talk.

Responding in these fashions will not only prevent arguments, but can also change his reactions and responses plus will not get you upset and stressed. This is my recommendation for what you can do in order to prevent future fights. Communicate about everything and work together on things.

Now about getting back together after this incident. I would just say wait a little. He is probably just upset after that incident and will be back in touch with you soon. Just don't contact him for about a day. Let him blow off some steam and calm down. Then try again letting him know how you want to work things out and wish to communicate more instead of fight.

I hope this was helpful and if you need clarification or further help please let me know.


Expert:  Jen Helant replied 4 years ago.


I see that you have not rated my answer yet. If you plan to rate my anything less than positive than please let me know, so we can continue working together until you are satisfied.



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