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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1380
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My name isXXXXX have been searching online for relationship counsellor. I really really really need help and I hope you will be able to help me cause I really don't think I can do this alone anymore... I need your help. I'm going crazy and I'm scarred I will get depressions.

Its a little long I hope you will help

The story is..
I had a fabulous relationship. I met my bf, Jason early this year.. Despite the fact we were long distance.. We never had any problems and our feelings only grow fonder towards one another. We both love the same thing.. We both love travels.. He told me how he feels all the time even at the beginning of the relationship he said he don't normally do it. But cause we felt...so right.. So we never shy away from telling each other how much we love each other and miss each other..

He even went all the way to Thailand with me to meet my family..joined my family ceremony and he talked about being together forever and getting married consistently.

Finally we decided to move in together... and that was when I changed.. I became very emotional and needy.. Cause there were so much to do and this is the first time..I left something for a bf. I knew it was the right decision and I wanted to give us everything to see how it goes.

We got the perfect apartment. He paid for me first cause he knows I might can't afford while moving.. He always say I'm now his family too. He told his family that he wants to start a life with me..

We fought before and Everytime he always said stuff he didn't mean..like.. Maybe you shouldn't move here.. Or.. I don't think I feel that way anymore..

And Everytime he always said sorry after and he always remind me this.. "babe you are amazing. You always hold on to me when I'm weak..whatever happen.. Even sometimes I'm tired and I wanna give up.. Please never ever ever let me go and please know that you ate my world and my everything.I can't imagine my life being happy without you"

He even found me the perfect dog I always wanted. I was living the dream. Every one was very happy for my moving...

But once I got down here permanently.. Even how nice and considerate he was with me... I let my emotion blinded it. I got insecure over completely nothing.. And always brought up fights... Within just a week or two.. I brought fight over thing like.why didn't you cone to hug me when you come back from work.. Sigh it was really stupid.

We got in to heated argument and.. He ended things..

He said he can't anymore..
I know people said don't trust the word but trust the actions..
that day we both cried.. Really hard. He kept hugging me and kissing my head.. It was the same feelings I got when we were about to apart at the airport.. I know he loves me but he said he's not in, love.and needed space... He said he can never make me happy. He even secretly contacted my best frds to come down to keep me company..it was very sweet. And that was just a few days before all these.

I didn't do well at the beginning.. I cried..begged and yea did everything everyone said I shouldn't. But I didn't know back then...

He still came around. We contact each other everyday still.. By SMS or he would come pass our house and dropped me breakfast. Or dropped me dinner. He even arranged pizza to deliver after I came back from work one time.. He took me out to eat sometimes..

And finally I needed to get away so I told him I'm going to Sydney to calm and regain myself after I realised that I was being emotional and I just wanna be myself again.. I'm very loving and caring and very very positive person. I miss that.

He wasn't thrill. But he said ok if I needed.. That night before I left.. He came home randomly. And told me that he ordered food and let's go picnic together. So we went out picnic..he still told me things and problem within his family..

we hugged and kissed at the end of the night.

Next day he didn't come by and it was first time he didn't take me to airport..Everytime I came he will ALWAYS took me to airport.. But he said he will miss me.. Which was first time he said that since we broke up.. He still asked if I arrived safely..and everything.

I got myself together during the trip and had decided to focus on myself and stay in Melbourne. (I was really lost and was considering leaving everything, great jobs opportunity, my dog and all cause I couldn't bare the pain of being in same city with him but without him).

He said things like..
I miss our bed.. I'm eating our banana chips (which I found later that he didn't.. I don't know why he said that) but everything was our our our.

over in Sydney.. I got some misunderstanding situation and I told him to talk to me whenever he ready. He called and explained that it was a misunderstanding.. Which I his can only prove he cares.. But
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. Your question cut off at the end. The last part I got was; over in Sydney.. I got some misunderstanding situation and I told him to talk to me whenever he ready. He called and explained that it was a misunderstanding.. Which I his can only prove he cares.. But

I will answer the best I can with what information you have posed. I am not 100% about what your question is, it sounds to me as though you both want to be together, you both have feelings for each other, you just have to work out the details in communication. In the beginning, you both seemed like you talked a lot and were very close and not afraid about talking about your emotions. When you moved in together, expectations changed. Your rolls changed. Things got more serious and that was scary for both of you. You reacted with insecurity which made him second guess his part in this. At some point, you stopped communicating properly, which is what I feel this all comes down to. I think that as long as you both are talking and sharing honesty with each other, you can work this out. You have to be wiling to look at yourself and know your flaws. Ask him what he is afraid of. Ask him what bothers him about your reactions to things and take that information and consider it form his side. What can you do to improve yourself as a person for yourself and for the relationship. Ask yourself what it is about him that you would like to see changed and talk with him about that as well. You both need to decide if this is what you want. Is he the one for you and are you the one for him? If so and you just have these other details to work on, then just talk it out. Space can be a good thing. If you feel insecure, you can't find security with another person, you can only find it with yourself. You have to be confident on your own and not need anyone else to make yourself whole. You both moved fast in the beginning and you really don't know each other that well. Not even a year is not a long enough amount of time to really know someone. You need to take a couple of steps back and work on things step by step. You need to have patience with the process. Ask him how he feels, be straight forward with him. Men don't think like women do at all. Things that you think are meaningful like him taking you to the airport, may not be as big of a deal as you think it is. He may have had a legitimate reason why he couldn't. Relationships are work. They take time. Don't get depressed. This can work. Make sure he is on the same page as you and keep an open communication.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Dr. Paige


 


Sorry for the cut, I think it was the limitation.. the story is long.. And I just want to give out info as much as I could.. I have never been in this confuse maybe cause this is my first serious relationship and it's confusing cause I know both of us do love each other dearly, and it's nothing about what we don't want. It's more of the bad timing and emotions.


 


so these are what missing in the context:


 


But at the end I asked him about is for real.. And he said he don't think...he can give me what I want. He told me his parents asked about me.. And he hasn't told them yet....



I respected his decision.

Next day.. I had no contact with him. And the end of the day, he msg me saying that he have been thinking all day what to say. But got nothing..

He said i have made him forgot How much despair and hate this world is for so long..when he came home..the smells remind him of me..the dog..the water bottle I always filled for him.. And he sigh and said I left the necklace he bought for me at home

He always told me I'm amazing and how I changed his personality to brighter and everything is easier when I'm next to him.

I msg him back that I miss him so much and if one day he realised its better to have me sitting there with him. Come find me.

We still in contact everyday...
Till I came back.. I came home feeling so much brighter and my goal is to make this house happy. Not to won him back.but just to make this house feel of happiness.

He came out and gave me big hug and kissed on the head. We went out for dinner.. He told me he decided to hit the gym (I guess for relieving stress). And we had great night together. in his car, he still left our photo together in the head locker and my name key chain on his keys.

That night after he left the apartment (he said its better if he stays with his parents) he msg me he couldn't sleep and he thinks of me.. He came over.. We didn't have intercourse cause he said he can't but he really really wants me.. He left the apartment. He hugged and kissed me on the lip.

The next day he msg me that we should divided our things..and move on. I kept calm and agreed. I decided to move out cause I can't stand being in this house.. But then the new apartment is... On the same building.. Cause I just moved here.. I don't know much places and plus we still have dog to share..

He seems excited at first and said it would be really cool and nice to have me as a neighbour.

But later he changed and said he won't feel comfortable...

We still in contact.. And he agreed to help me sign leased cause I'm still student visa.. He came padded have me breakfast and dropped me grocery I wanted.

Till yesterday.he came to the apartment.. I was surprised he told me that he is having a huge fight with his parents ..and he told me what happened.. he suggested we go out get breakfast together and while walking out he told me about bakery have what we used to eat on trip to nz. we ate that and while walking he was coming very close to me like when we just started dating.

I told him about neighbour upstair always threw food down to our balcony he went up and asked if I could help him hang laundry. It was just like.. We are couple again.

We sat and eat.fight over food.. He then went to sleep cause he owns a bakery so he needs day nap. Before he slept he called me inside and he showed me done video clip.. we laid there and I thought.. Wow this is just like old times. We talked about old times.. We fed each other food still.. And when I rub his eye lash off his face and stuff.. He doesn't mind.

During the day.. He was sleeping and so nothing really happened. 6 pm I started cooking dinner. I didn't know if he was joining me or not. But while I was cooking.. I couldn't hear anything much.. And when I turned around I saw him standing there smiling and I was like omg you scarred me.. And I asked if he wants to eat here or go home and he said he would rather be here. we had a nice dinner. He ate all rice and food. He asked if he could stay which I said certainly cause this is his house as well..

And finally I think this is the time I can actually tell him sorry and that I knew I was being emotional and I told him that.. Its great he broke up.. And he was.. "ouch.. That's hurt..lol" and I said. I meant. This broke up, grew me and reminded me to be myself again. Abbas I told him that my life is actually..great..I always very fortunate. I got great jobs the moment I moved down here.. Money and all.. and we both laughed and he said its getting kinda hurt lol.. And I said but my life is amazing with him in it..not perfect..but amazing.

He just nodded and I said.. If you think.. it is amazing too.. (I just stopped) and I told him that. I don't know how to end this sentence lol.

I later just say... What if I still want to be next to you... He smiled.
after a while he said.. Shaye I have something important to tell you.. I couldn't hear it cause it was mumbling.. Then he said..nothing. Its nothing.

I really should have left it at that. But finally I needed to know.

I asked.. If he already chat with others.. He said no..and he asked me not to do his life in right now.. He told me that its his little brother he showed on his phone and that he have to talk to his cousin thingy that been a problem within his family... I could feel his pain..

When we were dating.. He always told me about how he feels like.. No one care his feelings and that he is just a money bank for them. I rubbed his shoulder and I told him that he's a great person. They will see it and that he's amazing. I'm trying to support him. And I told him that..I might can't help but he can rely on my shoulder. He got a little teary and said thank you. We hugged.

he said he's going to bed and that its ok he doesn't mind we sleep on the same bed. I followed him in and maybe I was just.. Wasn't myself again I started being needy and pushed him like.. So you think we can get back together..

And he said .. Shaye.. I don't think..
And just said sorry.. He hugged me and kissed my neck. But I kept buggering him.. And he was getting little angry and said like.. I knew I shouldn't have come here..

At the end I decided to leave him alone and he hugged me last time and I left the room to sleep on the couch and I felt like he was feeling uncomfortable...

At night he woke up to leave to work and he told me to go sleep inside. And that was it...

And now I'm emailing you.
I know its long..and I don't even know if you well reply. But I really really confuse of what to do.
I really really want to move out. I love him. I can live without him. But its better having him.. Not for money, but its..we share same dreams. When I got job interview here in Melbourne he took me there..and stood outside listening and he was very very proud of me. He was very excited and couldn't stop kidding me and hugging me.

He's my best Frd..and even now he still say..we will be in each other life forever Shaye..I promise you that.

I really want him back.. I miss being next to him and looking after him and hear how he is doing.

We can't go into NC rule..cause we are living together! He haven't got much friend (cause his work)..I'm pretty much his best Frd too.


 


Please help.... thank you!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you so much for your reply.


 


It actually meant a lot at this time and I certainly understand that it needs work. I did tell him that I know it was me being insecure and all cause he said before that.. " I can never make you happy.. I'm trying my best " and I wasn't giving him enough gratitude..


 


I feel really confuse now with all these actions he's doing..


 


We are clearly not on the same contact feelings.


We used to talk about our emotions and he will text me in the morning of what's happening but for the last week or so, he has stopped but the actions doesn't though.


 


He still ask me how was my day and all.


I could definitely feel the energy shift after I came back.
He feels so much more confortable with me now cause he knows I won't break down emotional again. Last night when we were together in the house.. It was nice.


 


He thanks me for the dinner.. he rubbed my leg for thanking and while on a couch he still put his legs over my feet to protect me from the cold. When I pointed my hand out while listening to his story he still held in and smiled..


 


But when I asked him like I mentioned..


He didn;t say he doesn't want it. But he just said I don't think I can..
And when I pushed it more.. he went on 'Jerk' Card - such as; what if we live so close and I bring girls home


 


I know him better and I just know he's NOT like that.
He once told his family that if it doesn't work out with me.. it will never with anyone else.. he won't go out find others (and I over heard it).
He works 7 days. From 2am - 11am and 5pm-7pm mostly and just came home to eat. I know he's not like that.


I know we might only be together in a short period of time, but I guess cause we have gone through a lot of emotional times and stage and did so much together..


But now.. With all these..and I still agree that I'm moving out is a great idea.. when I said that to him he looked.. a little.. devastated.


I really don;t know what to do..

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. Sorry it took me so long to replay, it was a lot to read! :) I know you feel confused about all of this right now, and there certainly is a lot of confusing things going on here, but in the big picture, you are actually handling the situation perfectly. You have a good attitude about staying happy without him and not "needing" him, although you still want him. It sounds as though he has a wall up and is afraid to get past a certain point. He feels comfortable hanging out, he feels comfortable having a closeness, but when things get a bit serious, he panics. He doesn't know how to respond to his own feelings, so he gives you conflicting responses. When he becomes a jerk, it is just his self defense mechanism when he has nothing else to use. You are right in responding like it is nothing, he is just reacting badly. At this point, I think you need to realize that he has the commitment problem not you. He has to want to work on his attachment issues and there isn't much you can do for him, he has to do that on his own. The fact that you are more confident around him and put on your brave face, is wonderful, even if you are hurting inside. He may be intimidated by your positive attitude and that is a good thing. It also seems as though you both talk a lot but are afraid to talk about the real issues at hand. You both skirt around it. The ultimate question is, do you want to be together and if so, how do you do it so that you are both happy. This is what you have to decide on. Does he want to be with you? Have you asked him straight out if he wants to make this work? It seems simple and basic, but this is what you are both missing. Find the root of the problem. Is he afraid of the real idea of marriage? Even though he has discussed it with you, the realness of it may not have hit him until you moved in together and responsibility became part of the relationship.
I think moving out is a good idea and you may want to consider giving him some space by himself. Talk to him about what I said, deciding if you want the relationship to work and both of you need to be willing to put in the effort. If he is forced to be without you and you give him space, he may realize what he needs to do. He was devastated when you talked about moving out because right now, he has the relationship on his terms. He pulls you close when he is comfortable and wants to and then he pushes you away when he wants. Where is your say in all of this?? It is not fair to you for him to be so indecisive and taking it out on you. One step at a time. Find out what you both want for a goal first and foremost. Then you have to go from there. Talk about the right things. Don't avoid it. Be direct. It's the only way to get the answers that both of you need.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1380
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi again,


 


Thank you so much for the reply once again.
I know it's a lot to read lol. I got so confuse over times..

I think I did ask if him not to throw it away. And I think the answer was.. he's not throwing it away and that he just feels like he's not in love but he loves me and he can't live without me.


 


it's very unfair. But I'm not putting anger on him.
He he still my very bestfriend and I care for him dearly. I don't think it's commitment issue.. But I think he got scared that I would always be like this (emotional and freaked out and be very unappreciated) but I can't beat myself up with it.

I'm completely devastated and I have never been this confuse in my entire life. But thank you so much for the suggestion :)

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Hi Dr. Paige


 


Thank you once again for the compliment.. haha
It's definitely NOT easy. And I'm not the type that like to play a mind games... Actually lastly I have something to ask (or more of the reminder in my head). Just now he came and he told me he has to go out with his dad and he was all dressed up. Frankly.. Sometimes I feel like he's playing this games that getting me jealous cause lately I have been out with friend and I'm trying to dress up whenever I have chance (just to keep my mind off things - not to find a new target)


 


and cause he asked me before he left "Do you want me to bring dinner? or you will be ok"


 


Si in my head.. it's spinning like..


" are you going out ALL DAY ? " (He needs his power nap. He can't live without it)


and my panic mind will create this fearful illusion.. that maybe he's with a girl! and I know that it's not since we always together (even break up.. I don't think dropping my food or even like yesterday sleeping over at our place would be cool to any girls and he's really really is not a bad guy.. he might be a bit pain in the arse but not bad).


 


I feel like he's trying to trigger my mind.


 


I know I SHOULD NEVER EVER ask if he has someone else cause he would then bring up past like.. "I knew it that you never ever trust me" (especially in the past, he always jealous over guy friends or how they approached me) he will always say "I'm not you. And I don't think you are in a position to even doubt!"


 


So I DONT want to ask cause I want him to be positive and don't think I'm being emotional again.


 


But he texted him just now asking "You will be sleeping over at your parents?" and he said 'probably' then with..


 


" why? are you bringing guys in the house? lol


dont sleep together on my bed! seriously! I dont want it to have stain! lol lol "


 


i know he's trying to be funny.. but I kinda get a little pissed at it.


So I said " Slow down animal. I'm not you lol. I just simply asked coz you might want to slp on your bed. Could have some respect. "


 


I don't understand why he does that!


I don't think we need to talk anymore I think like you said, it's his move now and he has to make decision on his mind. can you please just tell me what to do lol. I feel like deep down we do love each other so much but I don't want to feel fear of losing him or him being like this..

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
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