Hi Dr. Paige
Sorry for the cut, I think it was the limitation.. the story is long.. And I just want to give out info as much as I could.. I have never been in this confuse maybe cause this is my first serious relationship and it's confusing cause I know both of us do love each other dearly, and it's nothing about what we don't want. It's more of the bad timing and emotions.
so these are what missing in the context:
But at the end I asked him about is for real.. And he said he don't think...he can give me what I want. He told me his parents asked about me.. And he hasn't told them yet....
I respected his decision.Next day.. I had no contact with him. And the end of the day, he msg me saying that he have been thinking all day what to say. But got nothing..He said i have made him forgot How much despair and hate this world is for so long..when he came home..the smells remind him of me..the dog..the water bottle I always filled for him.. And he sigh and said I left the necklace he bought for me at homeHe always told me I'm amazing and how I changed his personality to brighter and everything is easier when I'm next to him.I msg him back that I miss him so much and if one day he realised its better to have me sitting there with him. Come find me.We still in contact everyday...Till I came back.. I came home feeling so much brighter and my goal is to make this house happy. Not to won him back.but just to make this house feel of happiness.He came out and gave me big hug and kissed on the head. We went out for dinner.. He told me he decided to hit the gym (I guess for relieving stress). And we had great night together. in his car, he still left our photo together in the head locker and my name key chain on his keys.That night after he left the apartment (he said its better if he stays with his parents) he msg me he couldn't sleep and he thinks of me.. He came over.. We didn't have intercourse cause he said he can't but he really really wants me.. He left the apartment. He hugged and kissed me on the lip.The next day he msg me that we should divided our things..and move on. I kept calm and agreed. I decided to move out cause I can't stand being in this house.. But then the new apartment is... On the same building.. Cause I just moved here.. I don't know much places and plus we still have dog to share..He seems excited at first and said it would be really cool and nice to have me as a neighbour.But later he changed and said he won't feel comfortable...We still in contact.. And he agreed to help me sign leased cause I'm still student visa.. He came padded have me breakfast and dropped me grocery I wanted.Till yesterday.he came to the apartment.. I was surprised he told me that he is having a huge fight with his parents ..and he told me what happened.. he suggested we go out get breakfast together and while walking out he told me about bakery have what we used to eat on trip to nz. we ate that and while walking he was coming very close to me like when we just started dating.I told him about neighbour upstair always threw food down to our balcony he went up and asked if I could help him hang laundry. It was just like.. We are couple again.We sat and eat.fight over food.. He then went to sleep cause he owns a bakery so he needs day nap. Before he slept he called me inside and he showed me done video clip.. we laid there and I thought.. Wow this is just like old times. We talked about old times.. We fed each other food still.. And when I rub his eye lash off his face and stuff.. He doesn't mind.During the day.. He was sleeping and so nothing really happened. 6 pm I started cooking dinner. I didn't know if he was joining me or not. But while I was cooking.. I couldn't hear anything much.. And when I turned around I saw him standing there smiling and I was like omg you scarred me.. And I asked if he wants to eat here or go home and he said he would rather be here. we had a nice dinner. He ate all rice and food. He asked if he could stay which I said certainly cause this is his house as well..And finally I think this is the time I can actually tell him sorry and that I knew I was being emotional and I told him that.. Its great he broke up.. And he was.. "ouch.. That's hurt..lol" and I said. I meant. This broke up, grew me and reminded me to be myself again. Abbas I told him that my life is actually..great..I always very fortunate. I got great jobs the moment I moved down here.. Money and all.. and we both laughed and he said its getting kinda hurt lol.. And I said but my life is amazing with him in it..not perfect..but amazing.He just nodded and I said.. If you think.. it is amazing too.. (I just stopped) and I told him that. I don't know how to end this sentence lol.I later just say... What if I still want to be next to you... He smiled.after a while he said.. Shaye I have something important to tell you.. I couldn't hear it cause it was mumbling.. Then he said..nothing. Its nothing.I really should have left it at that. But finally I needed to know.I asked.. If he already chat with others.. He said no..and he asked me not to do his life in right now.. He told me that its his little brother he showed on his phone and that he have to talk to his cousin thingy that been a problem within his family... I could feel his pain..When we were dating.. He always told me about how he feels like.. No one care his feelings and that he is just a money bank for them. I rubbed his shoulder and I told him that he's a great person. They will see it and that he's amazing. I'm trying to support him. And I told him that..I might can't help but he can rely on my shoulder. He got a little teary and said thank you. We hugged.he said he's going to bed and that its ok he doesn't mind we sleep on the same bed. I followed him in and maybe I was just.. Wasn't myself again I started being needy and pushed him like.. So you think we can get back together..And he said .. Shaye.. I don't think..And just said sorry.. He hugged me and kissed my neck. But I kept buggering him.. And he was getting little angry and said like.. I knew I shouldn't have come here..At the end I decided to leave him alone and he hugged me last time and I left the room to sleep on the couch and I felt like he was feeling uncomfortable...At night he woke up to leave to work and he told me to go sleep inside. And that was it...And now I'm emailing you.I know its long..and I don't even know if you well reply. But I really really confuse of what to do.I really really want to move out. I love him. I can live without him. But its better having him.. Not for money, but its..we share same dreams. When I got job interview here in Melbourne he took me there..and stood outside listening and he was very very proud of me. He was very excited and couldn't stop kidding me and hugging me.He's my best Frd..and even now he still say..we will be in each other life forever Shaye..I promise you that.I really want him back.. I miss being next to him and looking after him and hear how he is doing.We can't go into NC rule..cause we are living together! He haven't got much friend (cause his work)..I'm pretty much his best Frd too.
Please help.... thank you!
Thank you so much for your reply.
It actually meant a lot at this time and I certainly understand that it needs work. I did tell him that I know it was me being insecure and all cause he said before that.. " I can never make you happy.. I'm trying my best " and I wasn't giving him enough gratitude..
I feel really confuse now with all these actions he's doing..
We are clearly not on the same contact feelings.
We used to talk about our emotions and he will text me in the morning of what's happening but for the last week or so, he has stopped but the actions doesn't though.
He still ask me how was my day and all.
I could definitely feel the energy shift after I came back.He feels so much more confortable with me now cause he knows I won't break down emotional again. Last night when we were together in the house.. It was nice.
He thanks me for the dinner.. he rubbed my leg for thanking and while on a couch he still put his legs over my feet to protect me from the cold. When I pointed my hand out while listening to his story he still held in and smiled..
But when I asked him like I mentioned..
He didn;t say he doesn't want it. But he just said I don't think I can..And when I pushed it more.. he went on 'Jerk' Card - such as; what if we live so close and I bring girls home
I know him better and I just know he's NOT like that.He once told his family that if it doesn't work out with me.. it will never with anyone else.. he won't go out find others (and I over heard it).He works 7 days. From 2am - 11am and 5pm-7pm mostly and just came home to eat. I know he's not like that.
I know we might only be together in a short period of time, but I guess cause we have gone through a lot of emotional times and stage and did so much together..
But now.. With all these..and I still agree that I'm moving out is a great idea.. when I said that to him he looked.. a little.. devastated.
I really don;t know what to do..
Thank you so much for the reply once again.I know it's a lot to read lol. I got so confuse over times..I think I did ask if him not to throw it away. And I think the answer was.. he's not throwing it away and that he just feels like he's not in love but he loves me and he can't live without me.
it's very unfair. But I'm not putting anger on him.He he still my very bestfriend and I care for him dearly. I don't think it's commitment issue.. But I think he got scared that I would always be like this (emotional and freaked out and be very unappreciated) but I can't beat myself up with it.I'm completely devastated and I have never been this confuse in my entire life. But thank you so much for the suggestion :)
Thank you once again for the compliment.. hahaIt's definitely NOT easy. And I'm not the type that like to play a mind games... Actually lastly I have something to ask (or more of the reminder in my head). Just now he came and he told me he has to go out with his dad and he was all dressed up. Frankly.. Sometimes I feel like he's playing this games that getting me jealous cause lately I have been out with friend and I'm trying to dress up whenever I have chance (just to keep my mind off things - not to find a new target)
and cause he asked me before he left "Do you want me to bring dinner? or you will be ok"
Si in my head.. it's spinning like..
" are you going out ALL DAY ? " (He needs his power nap. He can't live without it)
and my panic mind will create this fearful illusion.. that maybe he's with a girl! and I know that it's not since we always together (even break up.. I don't think dropping my food or even like yesterday sleeping over at our place would be cool to any girls and he's really really is not a bad guy.. he might be a bit pain in the arse but not bad).
I feel like he's trying to trigger my mind.
I know I SHOULD NEVER EVER ask if he has someone else cause he would then bring up past like.. "I knew it that you never ever trust me" (especially in the past, he always jealous over guy friends or how they approached me) he will always say "I'm not you. And I don't think you are in a position to even doubt!"
So I DONT want to ask cause I want him to be positive and don't think I'm being emotional again.
But he texted him just now asking "You will be sleeping over at your parents?" and he said 'probably' then with..
" why? are you bringing guys in the house? lol
dont sleep together on my bed! seriously! I dont want it to have stain! lol lol "
i know he's trying to be funny.. but I kinda get a little pissed at it.
So I said " Slow down animal. I'm not you lol. I just simply asked coz you might want to slp on your bed. Could have some respect. "
I don't understand why he does that!
I don't think we need to talk anymore I think like you said, it's his move now and he has to make decision on his mind. can you please just tell me what to do lol. I feel like deep down we do love each other so much but I don't want to feel fear of losing him or him being like this..