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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been with my husband 20 years, being married 15. While

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I have been with my husband 20 years, being married 15. While we have problems off and on over the years I have always loved him deeply. Seven and a half years ago I discovered he was having an affair that lasted about three months. We worked through it with
Him even suggesting renewing our wedding vows, which we did. We each did individual counseling which helped, but never marriage counseling. We have always have had communication problems when we have issues with each other, therefore never discussing the problem. Seven weeks ago I discovered he again has been having an affair for five months with the same woman. It started because he thought it took $1500 from our joint IRS refund, which wasn't true. Instead of discussing it with me, he called her to bitch about me and the affair started. I found out and confronted him six weeks ago and he told me he loves her, but also loves me. I told him to just leave and go to her, but he said he couldn't because he wasn't sure. Four weeks ago he started counseling and after the first session he told me he wasn't ready to quit our marriage and thought we could make it work. When I asked about "her" he said he was going to go to tell her and knew she would be mad, but was going to do it and promised to spend more time with me (he works 2, sometimes 3jobs). The next weekend we even discussed selling our house and moving into a 55 plus community and commuting to work together.

Well I found out he didn't tell her what he said he was going to, instead telling her he still had things to figure out with me and would be spending more time with me and less with her.

Last weekend we went out for dinner and then said he had to go back to work for a few hours but wouldn't be late. Had a feeling he was lying and sure enough, he was at her place. When I phoned him he came out to the car and I told him to go right back to her and just stay. He insisted he was only there45 minutes to check on her because it was the first anniversary of her mothers death.

He followed me home and we talked. He does have a serious health issue and his health is deteriorating is similar to MS. He also has a dark spot on his brain and goes for an MRI this week. On top of that he suffers from depression, which has gotten worse since his declining health.

I asked him where we stood and he says he loves us both and is split down the middle. Well, yesterday was her birthday and I told him if he planned to spend it with her, not to come home. I am his wife and its not ok for my Husband, whom I love dearly, to be seeing another woman.

He had his fourth counseling session this past tuesday and I told him I
Wanted his decision, as its been 6 weeks. He came home Wednesday and told me he was moving in with his mom and we were done. Of course I'm devastated and heartbroken.

He came home last night at 5 p.m. And gave me a hug and kiss. I asked what was going on, I thought he was moving out and we were divorcing. He said no, he was just staying with his mother for a couple days to clear his head and would be home Monday. I asked if he was still leaving me and said he was leaning that way. Says he loves me deeply, always has and always will. I said I love him with my entire being and suggested marriage counseling. He immediately said no and I asked if it was because he was moving in with "her" and he said no he's not moving in with her. Said sometimes he feels I love him and other times not.

I have done everything in my power to show him and tell him how much I love him, even pointing out the fact that I took him back seven years ago when he knows how strongly I feel about cheating and also how hard I'm fighting for him now because I'm so deeply in love with him.

Even suggested he see a psychiatrist to make sure he is on the correct medication because the behavior he is exhibiting is not the man I have known and loved for 20 years and that I've noticed these changes since last fall when his health started to decline.

He also commented that he thought I only wanted him was for the house. I told him we bought the house together and, raised our family there and there was no way on earth I want to spend one night here without him ... Too many memories. I would rather just sell. He then made the comment that he was my "cash cow" a phrase he has never used. Plus I have worked full time the entire we were together and full time since I was twenty and never asked him for money, much less took a dime out of any of his accounts.

I couldn't help myself and said that seven years ago "she" didn't have any problems breaking up a family when there was a child involved. Also mentioned that at that time he told me he didn't love her, she was needy and manipulative and was planning his entire future after only two months.

Said any woman with any conscience and morals would have told him to end it with his wife and then come back. Instead they carried on for five months we me being clueless.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You are really doing above and beyond your part. You are clearly patient and loving. You feelings for your husband are very strong and you have been there through thick and thin throughout this situation. I understand how hurt and devastated you must be right now.

It seems like your husband is going through a lot of issue and is confused. I do not think it is right at all what he has been doing to do. After you forgave him and trusted him he did it again.

At this point I know you are just waiting for him to decide, but I truly think at this point you should start caring and thinking more about yourself. You have been there for him and gave him chance to see what he wants, but it does not seem he is appreciating that or being considerate of your feelings. He said that he is leaning towards leaving. He is not trustworthy. Even if he comes back to you he is not someone that can be trusted after all he has done even lately.

I believe the only way this can work is if you both go to marriage counseling, which I know he will not do. You have been patient with him and it may be time to give him an ultimatum. He will continue to take advantage of you if you do not do that. He needs to see that you are serious and will not be with him if he does not stop seeing her and unless he goes to counseling.

I think this is the only way that he may start to think and realize he can actually loose you. Right now he thinks he has the "ball in his court" , so he is not worried of loosing you. He knows he has time to decide and thinks you love him so much that you will be there. It is important that you stand your ground with him. This is the only way there will be a possibility of him changing his ways. You have been more than supportive. It is time to support and care about yourself.

You have been a good wife and done your part. You deserve someone that will love only you as well as respect you. Take one day at a time. Try and think positive through this difficult time, but I ask you to please put yourself and your children first now at this point.

I hope this was helpful. I gave you my thought since there was no particular question, but if I can be of further help whether it be a question or just want to talk more please let me know.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
My huband said that he will talk to his counselor on Tuesday about marriage counseling. At this point I think the other woman is taking advantage of his mental state and taking the opportunity to put doubts in his head about me. None of this makes sense and I'm afraid if I do give an ultimatum I will lose him.

This is totally out of character for him because he, himself is a counselor and a very kind and caring man. It's to the point where at times he is almost cruel and other times when he is loving. I have mentioned to him that if the other woman was as great as he thinks, why does she feel she can judge me and my feelings for him and why not take the high ground and tell him to come back when he was free. Instead she lies and manipulates. Don't think he liked hearing it, but it is the truth and it hurts that he could ever believe anything but that I love him dearly.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
You are a good woman and I do understand what you are saying. You know your husband best, XXXXX XXXXX you feel he is being out of character and this is not himself then I think you are doing the right thing by being patient. He is lucky to have you and hope that he is able to find himself again. Probably after all he has been through with his health and everything maybe he has find out lost himself. That is a huge step that he just took saying he will speak to his counselor about marriage counseling. That is great. It would be good if he can try to stop contact with this women because like you said can be causing him to be confused since she is manipulative. I agree with you that she does have issues if she is willing to be with a married man in this situation and not care. I hope he follows through with the counseling and the both of you can heal your relationship and grow closer than ever before. Again, that is a huge step he is taking and shows that he does want to make your marriage work.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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