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Ask Dr. L Your Own Question

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi dr l i would like ro chat

Resolved Question:

Hi dr l i would like ro chat
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,


 

Dr. L :

I am here.


 

Dr. L :

HOw are you?


 

Customer: Hi
Customer: I.just wanted your advice
Dr. L :

Yes. I am here.


 

Customer: I am getting much better.forgot Nate almost entirely.stopped l communicatio..mare friends
Dr. L :

Great. I am glad you are putting Nate in the past and moving beyond that.


 

Customer: Thats for sure that i firgot him because he just provokes me s big distaste when i think wbout him
Customer: Now i found this guy that i see, the one i told u works for the city
Dr. L :

Yes. How is that going?


 

Customer: But the reality is that i am scared
Dr. L :

Tell me why?


 

Customer: I feel i scrutinize him
Customer: I analyze him from all angles
Dr. L :

Tell me more...


 

Customer: And very afraid of getting a new Nate
Customer: Like i do not even know.what to look for
Dr. L :

Are you analyzing him because you are afraid he may be like Nate? Or are you analyzing him for other reasons?


 

Customer:

because i am afraid that i will suffer again


 


it's alms like i am afraid that he has tricks like nate did

Dr. L :

That makes sense...you were badly hurt by Nate...he said things that were not true and you began to doubt yourself.


 

Customer:

before i used to judge someone just based on his education and job title

Customer:

that's why i chose nate

Dr. L :

It is important for you to see him for who he is.


 

Customer:

now i found sweet guy but he is just a city worker

Customer:

but he is sweet

Dr. L :

One's profession is not as important as who he is inside...


 

Customer:

i keep looking for success rather than personality

Customer:

my therapist old me that i need to look for his values

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that you are focused on success...but in the end...one's personality is what is most important.


 

Dr. L :

Yes...I agree. His values, beliefs, dreams, ambitions are what is important...not his job title.


 

Dr. L :

Do you have those kinds of conversations...about what you believe in...what you dream about...what you want in life?


 

Dr. L :

Conversations like that will help you better understand him and get to see his inside..not just his outside.


 

Dr. L :

Does this make sense?


 

Customer:

yeah


 

Customer:

we talked about values

Customer:

like if family is important

Customer:

money

Customer:

religion

Customer:

he is a very handy person, loves to put things together, does everything round the house but just doesn't feel the desire to get a lot of school because he feels his job at the city is great and he wants to eventually work in the mangemenet there at the city

Customer:

he is romantci and loves spending los of together time

Dr. L :

Sounds like he has many wonderful attributes and is a loving, kind, and caring kind of person.


 

Customer:

now a potential problem is:


he was engaged till 7 months ago then they break u

Dr. L :

So...do you find these things attractive?


 

Customer:

and what i am afraid is what if they will get back together

Dr. L :

Why did they break up?


 

Customer:

i mean that is my hypothesis

Dr. L :

What does he say about that..getting back together...


 

Customer:

because she cheated, and they are not good as a couple, they fought very much

Customer:

he sais they are better friends than a couple

Customer:

and they cancelled all of the wedding plans which were supposed to be in february

Dr. L :

That happens.


 

Dr. L :

Oh my. Does he seem sad about the engagement ending?


 

Customer:

i asked if they will get back together and he said never and that he is over her, that he would not go on dates with me if he would not be recovered

Dr. L :

That's a very good answer.


 

Dr. L :

Do you believe him?


 

Customer:

well he talks about her and says she is crazy etc

Customer:

i dn't know

Customer:

if i can believe anymore a guy

Customer:

it is hard to believe because they are still friends

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand your thinking...


 

Customer:

and they talk on the phone on a weekly basis

Dr. L :

Have you met her?


 

Customer:

noooo

Dr. L :

Why do you think they talk weekly?


 

Dr. L :

Does he say why that happens?


 

Customer:

becuse he is not hiding anything

Customer:

he says it

Customer:

she called this week asking dvice about a new boyfriend

Customer:

and then last week he took her dinner to her workplce, which to me feels ike he is still not over

Dr. L :

I like the fact that he is not hiding anything and is open and honest about their communication.


 

Dr. L :

Did he explain why he took her dinner?


 

Customer:

yeah

Dr. L :

Do you feel comfortable asking questions about her?


 

Customer:

because she worked the night shift at the hospital and she had no food, cafeteria is closed

Customer:

it is weird

Customer:

because he is not hiding

Customer:

he told me live as he did i

Dr. L :

So...he is a caring kind of guy.


 

Customer:

he talked me on the phone

Customer:

nd said please excuse me 1 min

Customer:

then he called back

Customer:

i mean i cant say anything becausse he is not my bf

Dr. L :

Tell you tell him you disapproved of him taking her dinner..or are you okay that he cares enough about her to still be kind and caring.


 

Customer:

i just don; know what to do

Dr. L :

You make a very good point Andreea...he is not your BF..you are not in an exclusive relationship..that means that both of you could be dating or seeing other people. Still..he is being honest and open...that is what you need in order to begin to trust men again.


 

Customer:

he is caring definetely

Customer:

he told me how he used to pack her unch everyday

Customer:

and he cooks ll he time

Dr. L :

Would it be okay to you to just continue as you are...dating, talking, spending time together...


 

Customer:

but she was very lazy

Dr. L :

Maybe you don't need to do anything but continue as you are...and letting life unfold.


 

Customer:

so he said tht he did not mind doing some stuff but he could not do all the stuff, like getting her dressed

Dr. L :

she sounds lazy...


 

Customer:

yeah

Dr. L :

What about my question...are you okay with just continuing as you are...dating, hanging out together, getting to know each other...


 

Customer:

vs what


 

Dr. L :

vs. ending the friendship


 

Dr. L :

vs. committing to be bf's


 

Customer:

yeah but i feel i rush again..i rush into wanting to be exclusive soon

Customer:

that's my default and dont know if it is a good approach

Dr. L :

I think you need to be patient with yourself.


 

Customer:

he is not pushing

Customer:

anythig like nate did

Dr. L :

You have wanted to be in a relationship that would result in a marriage.


 

Customer:

nate kissed me the firs day to get me all bonded t him

Customer:

he does not even get close, he lets me know him better


 

Dr. L :

So...you will look at every relationship as a potential marriage. It is hard to slow things down when what you ultimately want is marriage and a family.


 

Customer:

yeah i do

Customer:

i just do not want to repeat mistkes

Dr. L :

What he is doing is giving you the opportunity to establish a friendship before you move into a relationship...likely he needs the same thing...to go slow so that he knows he is free of his ex-girlfriend.


 

Customer:

nd what i need to do to not repeat them


 

Customer:

even nate acused me of going very fast initially

Dr. L :

Yes...he probably thinks the same thing...he probably doesn't want to find himself in the same spot he was with his ex-girlfriend.


 

Dr. L :

Patience is what must happen here.


 

Dr. L :

Can you think about this in terms of steps?


 

Customer:

that's why he would say :it is god you are doing this because my exx used to do this..."


 

Dr. L :

Step 1 : becoming friends


 

Dr. L :

Step 2 : becoming exclusive


 

Dr. L :

Taking things one step at a time...


 

Dr. L :

There is no rush - correct?


 

Customer:

no rush

Customer:

i say tht

Customer:

but i do it

Customer:

i need to control myself

Customer:

like things go this way

Customer:

we went out today tonight


 

Dr. L :

Yes... you need to go slow


 

Customer:

then he asked me again on a date to go appl picking tommorow

Customer:

it is hard to say no

Dr. L :

That sounds like fun.


 

Customer:

to slow down

Customer:

then he texs me a lot during he day

Dr. L :

Well...tell me what going fast is?


 

Customer:

asking how is my day

Dr. L :

Do you feel bothered by his texts?


 

Customer:

like holding hands or even kissing him like tommorow would b fast

Dr. L :

Do you think he txts to much?


 

Customer:

no that's the thing i love them

Customer:

nate haed them

Customer:

nver replied

Dr. L :

Okay...so that's a nice change...he txts and you like that.


 

Customer:

he replies within the minute

Dr. L :

So he is respectful...that's great.


 

Customer:

he calls me

Customer:

he asks how is my day

Dr. L :

So..you have not kissed or held hands?


 

Customer:

no

Dr. L :

Does that bother you...or are you okay?


 

Customer:

i am ok because i feel it is a matter or time because he calls me beautiful more and more often and that he likes my eyes...i mean who says that if they only want a simple frienship

Customer:

and in a way is very trashy to do it so fas

Customer:

i kissed nate the first day and was bad

Dr. L :

Yes...it does sound like he is taking it slow as well..that he is not rushing you or rushing himself. That's very very good.


 

Customer:

because i loved him and got in love and did no know what a bad person he is

Customer:

yeah

Customer:

Lee is not rushing, nate made a point in rushing rushing

Customer:

then stopping

Dr. L :

This time you are doing things differently...you are being more careful with your feelings and are planning for the long term...not just the short term..


 

Customer:

i feel that this builds up to that point

Customer:

like with nate i did not even want to kiss him initially but he insisted a lottt

Dr. L :

Yes...you are establishing a friendship. That is critical to a long term relationship.


 

Customer:

like our dates are sitting hours next to a coffee and talking only

Dr. L :

I think you are moving at the right speed...building a friendship...getting to know each other...this work is preparing you for the possibility of a future together.


 

Dr. L :

 


 

Dr. L :

That's great...


 

Customer:

so how abot his ex?


 

Customer:

he said this: of course she was my fiance one day and she has a plce in my heart but she will never have my whole heart

Customer:

hopefully somebody else will have my whole heart

Customer:

so he is not like nate, he mkes a point in keeping the friendship

Dr. L :

If they had been in a long term relationship...then it will take time to let go of those feelings and to heal from the pain of the breakup.


 

Customer:

for which i am a little jelous

Customer:

yeh it was 4 years

Dr. L :

So..when you think about how you felt after you and Nate broke-up ... you can see why it still has feelings of friendship and caring for her...


 

Customer:

yeah he still cares nate dos not

Customer:

he still does horrible stuff to this day

Customer:

i got extremely ofended

Dr. L :

It seems to me that he is being very honest...and very reasonable. He knew her and cared about her for four years. They were planning to marry. That was a serious relationship. He is speaking the truth when he says that he will have feelings for her for a long time...that is honesty. And...that is what you want Andreea...to be with an honest man.


 

Dr. L :

What did you get offended about?


 

Customer:

last weekend he sent me in mail a thank you note now for organizing his grad party in may

Customer:

he said thank you for making a great party for my family

Customer:

and for throwing me the party

Customer:

after 4 monhs

Customer:

after he broke up with me

Dr. L :

What the heck? How pathetic.


 

Customer:

i know

Customer:

who does that

Customer:

to this day he wants to hurt me

Customer:

he also says he never wannts to be friends ever

Dr. L :

It's like he doesn't have any manners.


 

Customer:

he thinks it is not even a possibility

Customer:

then i compare him with this new guy

Customer:

this guy still brings food to the women who cheated on him

Customer:

nd i was a good gf to nte he doesn't even wanna hear about me

Customer:

he even scared me 2 weeks ago

Dr. L :

what did he do...


 

Customer:

he told me that i should get my std tests

Customer:

and i got sooo scared

Customer:

i had to get all of them

Dr. L :

why did he say that?


 

Dr. L :

That is scary!


 

Customer:

and i felt so ashamed because i work for the lab

Customer:

and i got my tests

Dr. L :

Did he explain why you needed the tests?


 

Customer:

and they were all negative

Customer:

and i told him

Customer:

and he laughed

Customer:

he said

Dr. L :

Yes..I can understand how embarrassing that would be.


 

Customer:

well it is because you were always scared of stds

Customer:

and you are funny when you look scared

Dr. L :

He laughed? That is really pathetic. Getting the tests was embarrassing and serious. It was no joke.


 

Customer:

so this is the guy for whom i scrificed 9 months

Customer:

and my whole summer

Dr. L :

He said that?


 

Customer:

and the 2 weeks of break

Dr. L :

I am sorry. That was very inappropriate of him.


 

Customer:

yep he did

Dr. L :

It was disrespectful and hurtful.


 

Customer:

but i dont care

Customer:

i just hate him

Customer:

i could never dte him ver again

Customer:

last week i met with his ex gf over a coffee

Customer:

in columbus

Dr. L :

That was very cruel of him to laugh. Very cruel.


 

Customer:

with nate's ex gf

Customer:

bsically he dumoed her when she got accepted in law school

Customer:

he kept sking her to not do it

Dr. L :

Really? Was he jealous of her? Is that why he dumped her?


 

Dr. L :

Why?


 

Customer:

and the reason he dumped her is because she chose a good school- ohio state vs cleveland state which is not that well known

Customer:

he could not drive 2 hours to see her in columbus

Customer:

and he brke up with her after 2 years

Customer:

he did not see the point of why ohio state would be better

Dr. L :

So he was jealous...and his ego got in the way...


 

Customer:

this girl is very pssionte about law, nd she wanted the best school

Customer:

and the same with me

Customer:

his mom kept telling him

Customer:

oh andreea knows what she wants in life

Customer:

he felt more inferior than me

Customer:

because i am very decided what i want in life

Customer:

s he felt probably intimidated

Customer:

whatever happened happened i dont care

Customer:

i am happy for my future

Customer:

although scared

Dr. L :

Yes...he was jealous of her and probably jealous of you too


 

Customer:

about dating

Customer:

this guy

Customer:

i m afraid i will date him then one day he will get bck to his ex

Dr. L :

I can understand why you would be scared....


 

Dr. L :

That is your old insecurities talking....


 

Dr. L :

This guy is NOT Nate.


 

Customer:

yeah that;s right

Dr. L :

This guy is himself...and you must see him for himself...


 

Customer:

yeah i will try

Customer:

i hope he does not lie

Dr. L :

If you continue to take things slow...build the friendship...then I think you will learn enough about him that you will be able to tell if he is telling the truth or lying.


 

Customer:

yeah

Dr. L :

So far it seems that he is being honest..he is telling you that he talks to his ex and still sees her (bringing her food). If he wanted to lie...he would not tell you these things.


 

Customer:

his actions will speak

Dr. L :

You must listen to your heart...


 

Customer:

yeah his acions will unfold

Customer:

i just need to be true to myself

Dr. L :

Exactly!


 

Customer:

and look at his actions objectively

Dr. L :

Yes. And not compare him to Nate.


 

Dr. L :

Let him be his own person.


 

Customer:

yes i wil, will go to bed now. it is late here

Customer:

thank you

Dr. L :

Good night


 

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.


 

Dr. L :

I will lock this question for you.


 

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Dr. L
Dr. L
Clinical Psychologist
364 Satisfied Customers
Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.