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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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DR. L,I saw him about a week ago in the cafeteria. He asked

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DR. L, I saw him about a week ago in the cafeteria. He asked if I would have breakfast with him and I said I had too much work. He said: "Come on, have breakfast with me... we never coincide... let's not talk about work". I said no. He made a little joke "Ok, turn me down, that's fine". I left. I have avoided the cafeteria so I don't have to see him. Here is my question: It seems to me that he wants to reconnect, but he doesn't make a real effort. Many things bother me: a) that he tries, b) that I view his attempts as disrespectful because he doesn't make a real effort or tries to apologize, c) that he might think that I would be so stupid to go back with him. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe he he is really not interested... but why does he try to reconnect every time he sees me? I know I am asking for normal behavior from an egocentric person... but I realize that is why his approaches are bothersome to me (not as much as before, though). What do you think?


Dr. L :

Hello,


He is being completely disrespectful and inappropriate. He is disregarding your feelings and your boundaries.


 


I would encourage you to tell him that you want nothing more to do with him and that he must stop trying to engage you in a relationship of any kind. He needs to know that coffee, breakfast, lunch...anything...is NOT going to happen and that you want nothing more to do with him.


 


If he continues to make contact with you, you have every right to go to the Human Resource Department and/or tell your boss that you are feeling harrassed by him and want it to stop. While this may sound like a bold move to take, the reality is that he is being inappropriate in your workplace and you have a right to a peaceble work environment.


 


Let me know what you think of this.


 


 


 


 

Customer:

 


 

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Dr. L,


I didn't have to do anything because I didn't see the guy for a couple of weeks.


However, last week he came to my office!!!


I was about to leave (which was very convenient for me) but when I told him, he told me he would accompany me to my car.


In the way he asked how I was, and my answers were very vague and short. He stared at me like wanting me to say something, but I ignored it.


I thought that was the end of it but last week he came to ask some stupid question. He said he would be back for an answer, but he didn't come back.


This week, I had to work with his boss, and he saw me. Ten minutes later he was in my office offering help. I referred him to the people I had assigned the project.


Actually, it doesn't bother me to interact with him when it comes to work, but what bothers me is that I think I still have feelings for him... I don't understand what I feel, but I can describe it as being uncomfortable. I don't want him in my life but if I see him with another woman, even if she is ugly, I wonder if he is trying to romance her. Why do I care if I don't want him?


I guess I wonder if he would treat another woman better than he treated me.


I also wonder what he wants from me, because he keeps trying to be around me every chance he gets.


Sometimes I think he is "fishing" for innocent women, and when he can't find them, he comes looking for me to see if I fall for him again.


Other times I think is the other way around, since I don't respond to him , he tries to look for another victim.


What do you think?

Hello,
I am really happy to hear from you again!

Still...I am disappointed that he is still employed at your company!

From what you have written, you are doing much better dealing with him. That shows that you have grieved and processed your feelings. Hurrah.

That you still have some feelings for him is really quite normal. Typically, when a relationship like this ends there is little to no contact between the two people. That's not what has happened here. You can't get away from him because he is in the same company and has access to you.

It may be time to remind him - again - that you have no romantic interest him, no interest being friends, and that you can - and will - have maintain a professional relationship with him.

Even though you say it does not bother you to interact at work, I think it is just one more manipulation on his part. If he continues to make attempts to ask you questions, get on your work teams, and so forth..then it would be appropriate to go to your boss and say that this employee is being inappropriate and you want it stopped. As...it is inappropriate for him to be contacting you directly. He should be going through his own boss.

Seeing him with another woman....
You are only human! Of course, seeing him with someone else is going to get you wondering how he will treat her, if he will love her like he should have loved you, and on and on. And certainly you do not want him to use another woman! Your reaction is normal and natural.

And yes...the possibility is that he is having great difficulty romancing another woman and so he keeps coming back to you to see if you have weakened. Remember he is a lazy guy...and he is not going to put a lot of energy/time into developing a healthy relationship with anyone.

It does seem that when you reject him...he goes away for awhile...and then comes back again....and again...and again...

He has not changed one bit since you broke off the relationship. He is as selfish and insincere as always.

You continue to get stronger and better able to see him for what he is. This is what is important.

I do encourage you to tell your boss if he doesn't leave you alone and you feel pressured or unsafe.

I would also say not to let him walk you to your car again. He is not a safe man. You don't need to give him your personal time. You owe him nothing.



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