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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months. I am 47 and

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I have been together 9 months. I am 47 and she is 35. She is going for a job interview next month in Australia and will be away for 2 weeks. I know this is one of her ambitions and I want her to take the opportunity and follow her dreams. She has been to Australia before and will be staying with friends there. But I am scared that if she gets offered the job this will mean the end of our relationship. We have talked about this and have been open with our feelings. She says don't worry until there is something to worry about. I want the best for her and she doesn't have any ties here, but I do - parents and children from previous relationship. What else should I do, I don't want her to think I am needy but I would be heartbroken if we split up over this.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

jenhelant :

Hi, I understand your concern. I do believe that it is best not to worry and rather think positive. However, in your case I do not see this as you worrying. I see this as you planning ahead. There is nothing wrong with doing that and this is actually a good thing. If she is going to Australia for this job then she must really want it. She may want it that bad that she doesn't realize the consequences involved. She may mean don't worry until I get the job or she just may mean don't worry we can work it out. Only worry if there is something to worry about meaning if there are problems due to the move or long distance relationship. I am not sure which way she meant it, but I do believe in this case planning needs to be done. Your concerns are understandable. It doesn't seem like she is looking at how getting this job will change your relationship and situation


 


From here all you can do is support her for this job as you are and see what happens with the job position. If she does get it then the two of you will need to talk seriously about the next step. I understand how difficult of a move that would be since you surely don't want to leave your children. Right now just wait to see what happens with the job then go from there.


 


Please let me know if I can be of further help...

Customer: Hi and thank you. I know really that I just have to wait and see. We will continue to talk and try and be open with each other.
jenhelant :

No problem it is my pleasure to help. Yes unfortunately that is the stage its at. I know its difficult, but try not to let it worry you too much, That will only cause stress and even health problems.

Customer: Thank you. I suppose I do worry about the age difference - I know it's not huge but I have children and have settled down in a good job and my lifestyle. She is more independent, has no children or ties and is still finding her direction. I want to support her and don't want to curb her enthusiasm but I also want her to know that she has a life with me if that's what she wants.
jenhelant :

Yes, I understand. I don't think its so much the age difference, but I agree with you about the fact she has no children and is not as settled as you. This can make things not as stable since you do not know where the relationship can end up, so can be very frustrating and difficult to deal with especially since you do want the best for her.

Customer: Ok thank you for your help. I feel happier having talked to someone about it but I guess I knew I will just have to wait and see what happens. I will make sure that I let her know that I care for her and I will miss her lots but she has to go with her dream.
jenhelant :

I am glad I could be of help. I think you are on the right path and have good insight to everything. Just take it day by day one step at a time. I truly hope it ends up working out the best way possible for all of you.


 


If you ever need to talk again you can always request me in your question or even come back to this thread even after you rate me!

Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1137
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello again.


 


I wanted you to know that my girlfriend was offered the job in Australia including sponsorship. She will be moving in February so we only have two months together before she leaves. I have mixed feelings, I don't want her to go as I feel this will be the end of us, but I want her to fulfill her dream. I'm trying to keep positive and enjoy the last few moments we have together.


 


Do you have any words of wisdom for me or advice if you think a long-distance relationship (10,000 miles) can work ?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

Sorry to hear about this for your relationship, but I guess it is good news for her career. Long distance relationships are difficult. They are pretty much waiting for the next encounter and imagining what it will be rather than experiencing life together. It really is about how long you both will be apart and how strong the both of you are as well as what you both want and are planning. I can not say much of what will happen because I do not know what she is feeling, but I sure would try to see what her future plans are to see if you are in them and go from there. Lots of communication is important as well as analyzing on your part from the outside in order to determine if you really want this for your life.

I truly wish you both all the best!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello again,My g/f left for Australia today. I managed to take some time off work and we spent the last 2 days together having a laugh and reminiscing on all the good times.. I took her to the airport and there were lots of tears from both of us even at the departure gate. I have never seen her quite so emotional before and I knew today more than ever that she truly loves me.I know that this is a great opportunity for her, a dream job and a fresh start and I have supported her to fulfil this, I even went back to her apartment afterwards and spent 6 hours cleaning to ensure it was spotless for the next tenants, which to be honest is more than I do in my own house ! i'm sure she is proud of me, she says I'm her knight in shining armour and thinks a long-distance relationship can work at least in the short-term. She is talking about 4 years though. We plan to Skype and try and talk every day given the time difference but I know it's going to be hard without physical contact. We have both said that whatever happens we will always be best friends.We're not teenagers, we've both had a number of relationships before but how do we keep the spark alive across the other side of the planet ?I may be able to visit in say 8 or 9 months time when I can save some money and I still have some of her belongings in storage pending her getting them shipped.Do you have some words of wisdom please - is it worth us trying to keep this alive or should we just break up now whilst we still care and before the relationship turns sour or there are others involved ?Thank you.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jennifer,

Thank you for the quick reply and that is much appreciated. I value your knowledge and experience.

I think you are right and will see how things go after a month or so. Would it be okay to give you a status update then ?

Many thanks again, Kevin.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thanks Jennifer.

I just wanted you to know that my g/f just phoned me from Hong Kong. Halfway there and the flight was awful, but missing me loads and hasn't stopped thinking about me too :)

In my bones I feel this could work if we both want it to.
Cheers, Kev.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jennifer,

Well my g/f has been in Australia for 4 months. To start with we kept in touch but then it faded. She had made her new life and she didn't seem to have to have much time for me as everything was new and exciting. The time difference was awkward but we tried to keep in touch when we could. Every time we touched base I just felt sad and tearful that we weren't together anymore. She had made her new life and I needed to move on and be the happy person that I deserved and needed to be.
I got chatting to a lovely lady locally and we have been seeing each other for 4 weeks now and it's all going okay so far.
The down side is my ex in Australia is really feeling it now, she is now very homesick, missing me, missing her old life and what she had. One of her best friends has let her down and said he cant be involved with her so much. She is suffering from depression and on medication and signed off work. I don't want to see her like this, I still care about her very much. I still love her and it tears my heart in two to have her in pain - I wish that she was closer so I could give her a big hug. We spoke on the phone this evening and I really don't know what I can do.
I know there's no chance of us getting back together, the emigration was a permanent thing but how do I support her and help her through this. Part of me feels that renewing contact is making her miss her old life even more but she is so down, so lonely at the moment.

You always helped me and given such good advice, please help me make the best of what I can from this situation.

Thanks, Kevin.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I think I have made a bad mistake. I still have feelings for my ex even though she is so far away. I know she still cares about me too.

It is not right for me to get involved with anyone else even though my new lady friend is lovely.

I don't want to hurt anyone, I'm trying to be honest and open with my feelings.

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Counselor
1137 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.