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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been with my partner for 2 years, she has a little boy

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I have been with my partner for 2 years, she has a little boy who is 2 and a half and over the past 2 years I have been a strong father figure in his life. My partner was totally happy on every level of our relationship except she could not commit fully to our relationship as she grew up without her biological mother and father in her life and connot come to terms that her little boy has to grow up without his biological mum and dad as well. She just got up and walked out on me 6 days ago to give it another go with her ex. But alot of manipulation was placed on her at the same time to make this decision. I am desperate to get our family back together again but I am unsure what the best attack is. I logged onto a site get you ex back and started the process yesterday but they advice not to have contact with her for the next 30 days . This is not a problem except I can not come to terms with not having contact with her little boy that I have such a strong bond with. At the minute my partner has suppressed all her feeling, memories and past and is treating me like I never met her before. How should I progress with this delicate situation
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I understand your frustration and that is a sad situation.I would like to help you. If you can answer a few questions that would be great in helping me to better help you.

Is her ex the father of he child?

Do you know why they had previously broke up?

Why did you say she couldn't deal with the fact that her son wasn't going to have his "biological mum"? I was a little confused with that part since I thought she is the biological mum

Thanks and I will be looking for your responses
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes the ex is the biological father

My partner broke up with her ex as he did not showany interest in committing himself to her and his little baby and he always relied on his parents to make the decisions for them.

She could not decal with the fact that her son was going to grow up without his biological mum and dad like she had to grow up without this
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
I am still a little confused as to why he would the 3 year old would be without his biological mother and father since she is the mother and she is with him. I just want to be sure I am not missing anything.

In any case I do feel for you and I am sorry that you are going through this. You both have been together a long time and you clearly love that little boy and see him as your son. I want to commend you for being in his life despite the situation. That is wonderful.

I think the reason your girlfriend went back to her ex is due to the fact that she did not have her parents and she wants her son to have both biological parents in his life. However, this is not always best. The father can still see him and be in his life, but if she had a good relationship with you and you all were a family it does not see right what she did to just get up and leave. Instead of helping her son that will just confuse him and hurt him as well since he will miss you.

The best thing you can do right now is speak to her. In this particular situation I would not recommend you not talk with her in 30 days. That does work in certain situations, but I wouldn't advise it in this one. You should talk with her and see if she has any reasons why she is doing this. Remind her of why she left her ex and remind her of all that the two of you have together. Show her how he wasn't there and now he just comes into the picture and she goes. This will make him think he can do as he pleases and she will go to him. Try and have her see it from that point of view.

It is very sad that she is treating you as you never existed. That is very cold for her to do that. I think this could be a phase and the reason why she is suppressing her feelings is because she still has feelings for you and most likely feels bad. Seems like she knows what she is doing is not nice or even good, but she probably feels she needs to for her son. What she is missing is that just having the biological parents in a chills life does not make everything good. Sometimes it is better for a child to have a non biological good father that has a healthy relationship with his mom instead of a biological father along with an unhealthy relationship.

I think that she will pass through this phase and come back to you. If she truly loves you then she will not be able to stay with him because you will be on her mind and it will not last. Try talking with her as I mentioned. If she does not respond then I would wait a week and then try again. I would do it in weekly intervals and see each time what happens then adjust the plan accordingly.

I truly hope she comes back to her sense and you get your family back. Be sure to mention how much you love and miss her son. You can even ask if you can at least see him. Hopefully she will speak to you instead of blocking because that will also help with getting her back since it would be hard for her to surpass her feelings while in conversation with you.

Please let me know if I can help further.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Know that my partner is back with her ex her little boy has got his biological parents back like she wanted as this is what she missed out on when my ex was a little girl.

I only messages my partner yesterday and she is still acking the same way at the moment, so I am unsure about when I should contact her next. If she is blocking me out so bad at the minute maybe a little time is need. Please let me know what you think.

The other worry I have is I don't want her to think that I don't care about her little boy by not having contact with him

What is your personnel oppion on the programs that are out there to try and advise on how to get your partner back as I do see some logic in what they are saying as far as that Iyou do not want to try and repair your on relationship you need to focus on a new relationship like when we first met??

I have to say that your response so far has been excellent, I just don't know how I can make her see in the logic that I see as I am thinking that because she has made this big decision to leave our little family to go back to her ex she does not want to see if fail even to the extent that she is willing to change the person that I have become to know and love. What makes it so hard is that I cannot stand the fact that she is going to get hurt. Even just as her friend
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Yes, if you just contacted her and she is acting the same then best to wait a little. Give it a week and go from there. However, if you did not ask for her little boy the last time you spoke to her then try her back and ask for him. Tell her how much you miss him and care for him. Even if you can see him one day.

Yes I agree reminding the person of when you first met is a great idea. In long term relationships people tend to get stuck in the routine and forget what brought them together, so remembering that is good. I agree with that.

It has been my pleasure to help you. I know how hard this is and it may take some time for this to heal, but if you love her and her son continue to do your part. Stay positive and take it day by day. Even after you rate me you can still come back to this thread to follow up with me if you like.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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