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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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ok here is my uneasy situation ,im a lesbian i had a girlfriend

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ok here is my uneasy situation ,im a lesbian i had a girlfriend for 6 months she is 19 im 26 ,young girls love me a lot i always had yonger girlfriends i was a dj a bartender im sexy and feminime russian girl ,but back to the point ... My gf is working for political party of democracy and she was invited on the conference to Puerto Vallarta mexico and she could take one friend with her ,so she took me ,along with her went her friend Daniel ,he took his friend also ,her name was Alejandra ,she turned out to be a lesbian very beautiful and smart and i liked her a lot ...first time i saw kind of met her when she came down in the evening to eat with us ,we were all in the same Sheraton hotel and Daniel had his guitar and i played and she really showed interest in me ,she was smiling and this eye contact that can tel you some things too and she played guitar too ...but my girlfriend was sitting next to me so i couldnt do much ... Later on daniel(i have to say he wasnt aware that im a lesbian,neither he knew that my gf was cause we are very fenime )and his friend that i liked they came down next day ,but my gf told me i shouldnt flirt with people so i was very closed this time with this girl ...but i was feeling she liked me...later on Daniel he expressed interest in me ,he spent a llot of time w me we were playing volleyball talking a lot and stuff like that ... we all came on one bus and when we were coming back me and my gf were late ,so we couldnt sit toogether and she also got kind of mad with me because she was jelaous about this girl and the only sit i had was right next to daniel and her ..so i set there daniel and her were talking to me cracking jokes she was asking me things and listening pretty close and laughing and smiling and that good stuff ...later sit that w me was empty and daniel set in it and started talking a lot of stuff ,we were listening to the music and talking like friends ,st this time his friend falled asleep and i talled him "Daniel i really like your friend i cant hold it down " he was like "wau really ,(by the way daniel has a gf too)" then he asked do you like her more or me ? wasnt in jelaous way more like a friendly playing way ,i sad "your friend but please do not tell my gf " he said do not worry and i will tell Alejandra ,she likes european girls he said and im russian ) ...my gf was very pissed that he was sitting and taling to me but she was in the other part of autobus ,at some point of timeDaniel tool headphones of Alejandra and sayd pretend like you took it without intention and then you will have a reason to see her agai and ill tell her that you like her i was like "ok", when autobus arrived it was a late night ...so me and my gf and Daniel took one taxi toogether ,he kissed us goodbuy ,my gf pretended like noth happened but she was pissed ...so next day im wrighting daniel in FB "hey how are you whats up have you talked to alejandra ?" and he was like "oh yes and she ws very interested in you and she gave her phone number so you can text or call her " and i was like wau cool...so i texted her i sayd hey how are you remeber me? and answer was "oh yes i do off caurse whats up " she sounded super excited but she was entering her class so she said "can i text you later ? cause im going inthe class " i sayd off caurse ) and she texted me around 8 pm and sayd "send me some russian music to download"i was like sure i will and the i asked her what she likes to do in her free time ? she didnt answer for a while and then she said she was playing tennis w her best friend and it was night so i didnt bother any more ... Next day i wright Daniel on FB and say "hey whats up "(oh i forgot to mention my gf found out me and him became friends on FB and she was really mad and they work toogether )...XXXXX XXXXXing back"yes " nothing else i say "how are you today ?" the answer from him was "?" and then i was like -"do u want coffee im inviting " no answer -are you ok? no answer are you mad for something no answer so i texted his friend Alejandra "hey how are you ?" no answer do you want come out and have beer this weekend ? no answer i sent her a friend request in FB no answer ....after that my gf took headphoes that i took and gave to daniel and sayd "if you want a russian gf look in the internet and tell your friend he same "...and daniel showed his phone and sayd "look i dont need her she is texting me "....ok after that passed one day ...and i dont know what to do IM SOOOO LIKING THIS GIRL ANDI KNOW SHE LIKED ME TOO ...i saw it in her eyes in her smile in everyth ...and she was the one who passed me her number ..and she did to her friend she ws very interested in me ...and she sounded happy when i texted her ...so what should i do ,what can i text her what you advice me to talk to her she is a lawyer very 24 y.o. very pretty ,smart w ambitions girl ,me too lol...but what to do ?which message or letter to send to def. get her to respond...i was adviced to come out and wright her
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Norman Brown :

Are you asking how best to move on Alejandra? And wondering what happened that both Daniel and Alejandra stopped responding after your 19 yr old gf got Alj's headphones to return to her thru Daniel? It's obvious that your gf (who you don't name) is very hurt and feels helpless, so perhaps D & A are holding back out of consideration for her. And if that's true, then they may be expecting you to clear up your relationship before you make more advances toward Alejandra. That sounds fair, since the younger girl brought you as her "date."


 

Dr. Norman Brown :

One major issue in gay & lesbian circles is that many lesbians don't see why they should follow courtship customs that straight people believe in, so preserving strict partner loyalty is no big moral imperative and everyone should be free to make her own rules for what is right and wrong--so you toned down your flirting in front of your gf. The problem is, having all that freedom to do what suits yourself the best makes lots of jealousy problems happen. Younger people are often more idealistic and absolute about their morals, and she's also the one getting hurt by the somewhat older women.


 


It is considered normal among gay men that 6 months is the ending point for sexual affairs, so there will be a commitment challenge at around that point. I don't know if that's considered normal among some lesbian groups or not, and I certainly don't know anything about specifically Mexican lesbian relating customs. But it's possible that both Daniel and Alejandra might expect that you could be ready to quit your affair with your younger gf. So they're expecting you to act next.


 


That means you're faced with how to act now: to tell your Chiquita in a kind and understanding way that you're not in love with her as much as you were before (tho I have no idea what words would fit for you), so you need to move on, and you know you're hurting her and you're sorry that your heart isn't in it anymore, she's still a wonderful girl and you'll always tell people how great she is, etc. Or you try to fade away without any direct words, and without accepting the moral responsibility for ending what has meant a lot to her (because as you said, she might admire you a lot and idealize you as her role model). It takes moral courage to admit that you're doing something that hurts someone that loves you.


 


This is a thorny matter in lesbian circles, perhaps, because it sure is for gays: When one partner is and KNOWS she is more attractive to potential partners than the other partner, she has more "sexual power" (for gays it's pure physical beauty and charisma, and it seems to be in your situation too, because of how you write about Alejandra's sex appeal). I've heard of gay and lesbian "alpha-wolves" justifying dumping their "beta-wolf" partners by pointing out their higher desirability in the lover-scene, as a blatant rejection of the moral rules they don't want to take over from the straight courtship scene--and the rejected person usually remembers the sting of that rejection for the rest of her (or his) life. IF you do express your rejection as justified by your greater age, experience, sophistication and/or feminine appeal, you will deliver a direct blow to her self-image, so I advise against that. But you probably already didn't want to obviously "put her down."

Dr. Norman Brown :

If you say nothing about why you're sliding off to pursue somebody else, then she's fairly likely to assume it is because you don't care about her as much as she thought you did, and she's likely to give credit to all of her negative thoughts and feelings about herself. You might be able to ignore the awareness that you're making her very likely to trash her own self-esteem, but you're leaving her to make up her own justification for why she feels so bad from being rejected, when you could be giving her words that help her keep up her self-respect.


 


So I'd advise you to take the blame onto yourself for wanting to move on, and to tell her many of the really good experiences you've had with her and the many good parts of her character and beauty. It might be easier for you to do this in a letter, a "Dear Chiquita" goodbye with praise and fondness and what you got that was special to you during your time together. You put the blame on yourself, and just say you're not into settling down with one person yet. You basically want to help her keep the self-esteem you raised in her when you made her your girlfriend.


 


Does this make sense to you? Morality in this case does not mean saying "Yes, I did you wrong," but it means instead admitting "Yes I don't want to be exclusive anymore and I don't want to hurt you by pursuing somebody else, so I'm setting you free to do your own thing, even though I still like you and am attracted to you a lot."

Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 839
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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