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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi there, I am just starting out in a new relationship and

Resolved Question:

Hi there, I am just starting out in a new relationship and wonder if I am being too unfair. I am a bit of a femminist and have self esteem, body issues..He says I am gorgeuous blah blah but have struggled a lot with
sle fimage and self steem issues...
This guy I am dating has half naked posters up in his house and also serfs a site that kind of objectifies women (The Chive)
So I am just wondering if i am being sensitive about his online interstests, I just can't stand how the world onbjectifies women and I fell like I am not good enough and I wonder if I should calm down about it or express how I feel...
Please give me some advice..
Thanks
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You are not being too sensitive to your partner's online interests. Sites that objectify women are not only harmful to a relationship, they also undermine women's ability to feel confident in their own bodies because of the impossible image held up as a standard.

Looking at porn is never a good idea in a relationship. It often makes you feel cheated on because your partner is being turned on sexually by an image that is not you, but someone else. Any sexual feelings about another person, even if they are not in person, is demeaning to the relationship and to the other partner. It says that the sex in the relationship is not enough and there needs to be something else. And if you have self esteem issues already, seeing your partner view these other women is going to make you question yourself even more.

It is ok to tell your partner that you feel this way. It is important that you have a chance to express yourself and have your side heard. Hopefully, your partner is willing to be understanding and supportive. Let him know that even though he tells you that you are gorgeous, he is not backing this up by being faithful only to you and making you feel like you are enough for him. Men may always want to look because they are visual in their sexuality, but it does not mean they need to actively seek sexual experiences outside of their relationship. And making your partner realize that is vital because it impacts how you feel about how important you are in the relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi there thanks for your answer...


Sorry for all the typos..was typing too fast : )


 


I am just worried I will come across as a controlling weirdo telling him this...it's not really watching porn, but it's like looking at girls in bikini's


on the internet....I am very concerned I will look very insecure.


 


It makes me wonder if I am being too sensitive..

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Making a point to look at any other women besides you can be seen as him needing to go outside of the relationship to find sexual pleasure. Other than sexual interest, there is no reason for him to be looking at these women. Although it can be said that looking at women in bikinis is better than porn, both are for the same purpose- making an effort to go outside of the relationship and looking at other women. And it may be only a step that may lead to looking at women in other kinds of clothing or no clothing at all.

But the most important part of this is how it makes you feel. You may feel insecure already, but even if you did feel secure, you would still wonder why he needed to look at these women. Your relationship should be enough for him.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

So how would you suggest I bring it up without sounding like a possesive jerk? We have only been going out about three weeks and don't want to seem crazy...We have seen each other about every other day for three weeks, and don't want to come across as possesive...

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

You may want to just let him know that while you feel he is free to do what he wants at this point in your relationship, the fact that he looks at these women does bother you. Then let it go at that. While you cannot control him, you can at least give him a heads up about how you feel so if your relationship develops to something deeper, you will be able to say you expressed concern about it already and it does need addressed before you go further.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX help a lot...


One last question though...


Are you sure I am not in the wrong having feelings like this?


I can't be the only one right?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

No you are not the only one. Many women feel as you do. It is very common to have this issue in a relationship.

Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5481
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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