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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, after my marriage broke down, I met a colleague at work

Customer Question

Hi, after my marriage broke down, I met a colleague at work and we had a very short lived encounter. He just broke up with his girlfriend. Whilst we try to be friends sometimes it becomes challenging. A few months ago he met someone, who my friends say looks a lot like me in some ways. He has been dating her for almost 6 months, he maintains regular contact with me at work, and calls me for any help. A Couple of weeks ago he called me after work and we started talking as usual, i have been sick quite recently and he has been checking in by calling and texting etc. I told him i went to see a gyno re. ovarian cyst, he then declared he had been to a gynco as his girlfriend is pregnant.I realised i still have feelings for him and told him this and for that reason I could notbe friends any longer, he got annoyed, and asked me to think about it. I feel itis wrong to be friends with a person that you are in love with, if they have someone and are now havjng a baby. He has continued requesting support from me at work, when in 99% of cases he should go to the correct department. He wants to grab a coffee with me next week, in which i replied sounds like a plan. He also instigates allotof sms and contact, I dont know what to do, other than to talk it out with him and tell him for the time being I can not be friends with him
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  pdheslin replied 3 years ago.

pdheslin :

What kind of Expert are you looking for? (Relationship or other?)

JACUSTOMER-6ydtshny- :


Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
He sounds like he wants you in his life that he needs you in his life. He is currently with someone else and having a child, but he doesn't seem to be able to let you go and this is because there are still feelings there for you. He wants to have an excuse in work to see you and now he wants to have coffee which is not work related. I would meet him and ask him if he is happy in his relationship? Ask him if this is the life he wants? You still love and care for him and you have told him that it's hard for you. You explained things too him so he knows how you feel which is the right things to do you want to be honest. I want him to be sure that the life he has now is what he truly wants. Ask him if he sees you and him together? Ask him if things could be different and could you both every be together? You need to get him to tell you how he feels now. You know how you feel about him. But he needs to tell you how he feels about you and if there is a chance to get back together.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi, he told me that they both love each other, and that maybe it is time he settles down. He invited me to attend a fundraiser where i met his girlfriend and sister, he was presenting at the fund raiser, and when he took a break he grabbed his niece from another table and sat next to me and not his girlfriend who was pregnant at the time, which i did not know till after. His girlfriend tapped the chair next to her and asked him to sit next to her. He did so after a while. He told me his girlfriend is great, very nuturing, and if something was to happen to him, he knows she will be a good mother. much. He asays he likes her as she has boundaries, he also liked another girl.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.
It sounds like he is just not ready to let you go out of his life, but he seems like he is looking to settle down. I am not sure if he is just talking himself into the relationship he is in and feels like he has to settle down now. It seems like a torn situation like he wants to be around you and doesn't want to lose you, but wants to keep the relationship with his girlfriend. I want you to really look at why you both broke up. Those reason could be why you both are not together. If he wanted to settle down and start a family or if he was worried that you were going to break his heart. There could be many factors into the choices he has made. But like you had mentioned in the beginning that your friends though the girl looked like you. He seems to be very honest about how he feels. This helps in knowing what he wants.

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