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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I dont

Customer Question

Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I don't feel it's going anywhere. He doesn't tell me he loves me, and when I approach that subject, he just says that he's got many layers that will un-peel with time. We see each other couple of times a week and occasionally go away for weekends. He treats me well, but I just feel that he is with me only because he doesn't want to be on his own.
Do I stay or do I go?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
The best thing for you to do in order to decide if you should stay or go is look at the whole situation. If he treats you good and you have strong feelings for him these are all good signs. No one is perfect and it seems to me by his response that he may need to get to know himself better. From what you wrote it does not sound like he is with you just because he doesn't want to be alone. He may just need time to learn what love is. Some people have difficulties with this and not necessarily because they do not love the person.

You may want to have a serious talk with him in order to make your decision. If you see that the two of you are growing and getting stronger you may want to stay, but if you see the relationship stagnant then it may be time to move on. It would be best to analyze the entire relationship. He may even need counseling in order to learn to deal with his emotions and get to know himself better.
Couples counseling would be great if he would go because then the two of you can get to the bottom of why that is the way it is.

I hope this was helpful and please let me know if you need clarification or if I could be of more help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, thanks, XXXXX XXXXX I do think he struggles with "love". I have very strong feelings for him and he is aware of this.


How do I initiate serious talk without him shutting down? As he does with in any "emotions" talk.


I doubt very much that I would get him to a couples counselling.


I would just like a bit more of a commitment I guess after a year of seeing each other. To be honest, I don't feel like our relationship progressed a big deal since we met. We still have fun time seeing each other, but have completely separate lives otherwise.


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
It is my pleasure to help. If you don't mind risking him shutting down ( since there may be no other way to talk about it) the best thing to do is be honest.

Sit him down face to face and look into his eyes. Let him know exactly how you feel for him, but tell him you have not see the relationship progressing and that worries you. Tell him how you really want to be with him and care for him, but you really want to be closer with him and grow as a couple.

Ask him if he can tell you where he sees the relationship in a few years from now. Make sure you do not say anything in a way where it seems you are blaming him or pointing fingers as this will only cause him to close up and become defensive. Just pretty much express your concerns honestly and sincerely XXXXX XXXXX loving way.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you.


I will have a go and hopefully won't need any more of your help!

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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