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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We had

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I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. We had a talk recently about our feelings for each other, and he said that he thinks my feelings for him may be stronger than his feelings for me. Neither of us know yet if we want to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm not sure I want kids, and while I've always thought I'd like to get married eventually, I'm not 100% sure about that either. But I do want a strong, healthy relationship. My boyfriend said that he cares about me and that he thinks I am an awesome girlfriend, but there is a part of him that thinks I deserve more than he can give me, and he said, "it pisses me off that I can't give that to you. It makes me think I may not be capable of that at all with anyone." I'm generally happy with our relationship otherwise and enjoy spending time with him. He does make an effort to invite me to spend time with him, email and text (neither of us are big phone talkers) most days, etc. We see each other 3-4 days a week and usually spend 1-2 nights together each week. I'm thinking about breaking up with him now because of what he said about his feelings for me, but I'm not sure what to do. I feel a little like a chump staying with someone who says he cares less for me than I care for him but I also don't want to lose him. As additional information, he was engaged once, about 9 years ago. He was pressured into it because she gave him an ultimatum and he didn't want to lose her. But he says that once they were engaged he got excited about spending the rest of his life with her. She broke things off after they both met with a counselor for pre-marriage counseling. Since then he has dated a lot, and most of his relationships haven't lasted much longer than the time he and I have been together. (Most have been shorter, in fact.) I just need help making a decision about whether to stay with him. (Also, I'm 37, and he is 39.)
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to help.

I understand how frustrating it can be to be with someone that says this to you.

It seems like you would like to stay if he did have the same feelings as you have for him. He can be confused about his feelings or even afraid of making a stronger commitment. He may have underlying issues that prevent him from doing this. He also can have low self esteem and feel insecure. This could be the reason why he says to you that he can not give you what you deserve. It does not seem it is because he does not care for you. It seems more to me that it is an issue withing himself.

He cares for you deeply and sees how good you really are, but due to his insecurities he feels he is not good enough for you and therefore this is why he tells you these things. This is what it seems to be by what you explained.

Based on your relationship as a whole it seems to be very good. You both spend a lot of time together and seem to enjoy each others company. It would be sad to throw all of that away due to his insecurities. He may not even know how to love or care or think he does not know due to past issues. I would advise he get some counseling if he is willing or couples counseling for both of you. This way at least you both will have the chance to work things out and he will have the chance to work on himself before ending the relationship.

He needs to get in touch with his true feelings. Counseling can help him with any issues he may be going through and get to the root of why he is doing this. If you then see he truly does not want to be with you then you can move on. But at least you will have the opportunity to see if this is the truth or just his own issues.

I would advise to to weight everything out and take in consideration what I have said as well as talk with him about counseling. From there you will be able to make a logical decision as if you think it is best to stay longer and see if this can be worked out or whether you think it is best to move on now and not spend anymore time.

I hope this was helpful and please let me know if you need clarification or if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1123
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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