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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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i FEEL THAT MY HUSBANDS EXWIFE GOES OUT OF HER WAY AT EVENTS

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i FEEL THAT MY HUSBANDS EXWIFE GOES OUT OF HER WAY AT EVENTS THAT I FEEL SHE HAS NO BUSINESS THERE TO BEGINH WITH. THERE ARE NO CHILDREN IN THIS MARRIAGE, SHE LEFT MY HUSBAND FOR HIS BEST FRIEND 20 YRS AGO, SHE SITS IN A CORNER AND STARES AT MY HUSBAND THE WHOLE TIME. WHICH MAKES HIM UNCOMFORTABLE. I FEEL HE STILL LOVES HER OR ELSE HE WOULD TELL HIS FAMILY NOT TO INVITE HER OR COMPLETELY IGNORE HER. THIS CAUSES A BIG RIFT IN OUR MARRIAGE.
Hi,

I would like to help...

Are these family events or social events?

Does he still keep any contact with her or her family as in a friendly relationship?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

this is a very vague answer. I need to know if this a problem or in ny head. I have caught my husband looking back. does that mean he still loves her?

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

this was no help at all. I am signing up for the free 7 day trial for 23 dollars a month. you did not help at all. it is family funerals, family gatherings

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
she told me nothing.
I am sorry that was not my answer. I just needed some more information in order to help you. I just had forgotten to remove my signature from the bottom. I was not expecting to be rated or paid at that time. I apologize for the confusion.

I understand why this may hurt you. I can see both sides of the situation here. Seems as though his family has grown attached to her and loves her this is why she is invited. Therefore he feels bad to tell them. However, I agree with you because I don't think this should be done out of respect for you. This problem probably started way back when the family never cut the ties with her. That would have been best especially since they have no children together.

In anycase at this point what needs to be handled is the issue at hand. You should try talking to him and letting him know exactly how this makes you feel. If he can not change what his family does he can still change what he does. Staying with you at these events and not paying attention to her would be best as well as avoiding whichever events can be avoided. If the family sees you both not coming to the events then they may stop and realize what they are doing is wrong and would have to change their behavior if they prefer the two of you to come instead. If they do really like her they can invite her to private events, but she should not be part of the family events since she is no longer family.

Your husband can try explaining this to the family to see if they would make some changes. If they do not then as I said the two of you can then stop going to the events to see if they then change. When you do come across her do not even look at her. Enjoy the time you are having with your husband and don't let her get the best of you, which is what she could be doing.

I don't think your husband loves his ex because they have been divorced for over 20 years. I think he is just allowing his family to do as they pleased and prefer not to get involved. But like I mentioned let him know how much this bothers you. These are your feelings and I do not think you are being unreasonable. He should at least be able to listen to your feelings to see what the two of you can work out.

I hope this was helpful. Please let me know if you need any clarification.

Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

should I be worried that I have caught him looking back. I feel humilated because I feel that everyone including his family see them looking at one another. I think that is why his sister invites her. I really just need to know how to respond. If I dont go then she winds, if I leave she wins, If I saty I am humilated. I have said something to him but he tells me I am just imagining. but my friend has seen all this also. makes all the events awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand what you mean. If you seen him looking once or twice I would not worry about it. It could have been a coincidence or maybe cause you are worried about it. Also, the family members who saw could be just agreeing with you. I would check if it happens again and when it does tell him the exact moment that it happened again. That way he can't try and change the story, but of course your not going to continue talking with him at the event. You will tell him that the two of you will talk when you get home. At least when you are home he will know which moment you are referring to and this way he can not deny it. Then the two of you can speak about it then go from there depending his response. But maybe it won't happen again. The best thing is to not worry. Take it one step at a time and see what happens the next time and go from there.

But I would not recommend you not going to an event because like you said she would win. Rather you both go and do the above I think would be best or the both of you decide not to go. That would be another option if your husband was willing.

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