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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hey Kate

Customer Question

Hey Kate
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Got it! Talk to you soon :)
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


so late again! I've been trying to go through my emails to K to make this chronology thing for Ziggy and the Police woman (Emma) tomorrow. I have another year to get through, got to St Ives! I have tomorrow morning to get it done.


So, yay, Decree Nisi on it's way, so good to know that the Judge confirmed my entitlement to a divorce!! But I feel strangely untouched, though definitely relieved that he won't be served, and kinda glad that it won't be happening next week (unless something gets sent in the post before the Nisi is stamped, i have not a clue), and the kids will be out of the house again the week following when he is going to be angry. I think he thinks that we will all move back in this weekend and that'll be it. I haven't told anyone else at home yet....


I had a good session with Adele this afternoon, so much happens in a little over a week, but she wanted to make me stand back and look at what I had achieved for my aunt, that I had coped well with everything and got on with things, just kept going despite all the other things happening around me. She says I'm almost out the other side, that I am in control, that I have taken things slowly and it has been possible to cope. She was very proud of me Laughing


I Went to see Dr H this evening, she was the loveliest, kind and gentle. I managed to ask for what I needed- increase in Omeprazole, new Zopiclone script, and (I was scared .....) more diazepam. She was careful, but agreed, made me promise not to take them all, or together. I told her I had an appointment with the police tomorrow, she asked why, she NOW gets it that he is abusive, says no wonder I have been struggling so. So she is up to date. A relief. I was determined not to be anxious when I went in there, tried my best, XXXXX XXXXX a bit mixed up and stuck, but I think I did better. She said I was looking better and that I'm doing really well. Oh, and I told her about the divorce and that I'd moved out, but couldn't manage anymore.

I'm feeling under the weather, got Poppy's cold brewing. Late to sleep won't help that!

Goodnight Kate, talk tomorrow, more time after seeing Ziggy and Emma.

((((Hugs))))- I think that's a brilliant way of sending a hug! ;)

Hilary Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

It is such good news that the judge decided in your favor! It only serves to prove that you have the right to be out of this abusive marriage. Dave may have made you doubt yourself, but everyone (including the judge now) sees what you have been suffering and what he has been doing to you all this time. That is something Dave cannot refute.

You mentioned feeling untouched by the divorce. I would expect that after all you have been through. In your mind, you have been divorcing Dave a little bit each day. You have been planning a life without him for so long. And it's been a dream of yours to be free. Our butterflies were all about your breaking free of this marriage and finally getting a chance to be you, in all that glorious color! :) So just getting confirmation of what you have felt for a long time may not be all that exciting.

I think if you summed up most of the last year, Ziggy and Emma would understand. Much of what Dave does is repetitive, although the damage he causes is cumulative. I'm sure they would understand if you didn't get it all done in time.

Adele is right, you have been able to handle so much even with everything going on in your life. You were there for your aunt and helped with the process to get her settled and happy. You have been steady and supportive. And you are very much in control. You have much strength and endurance. You should be proud of yourself!

I'm glad you shared your situation with Dr. H and she understands now. Because she has this information, she can make sure you get what you need. I am amazed how much you have overcome. Just a while back, you used to anticipate your appointments with so much dread. Now you just go see Dr. H and say it like it is. Yes, there still may be some fear, but you keep going. Wow.

I hope you are not catching something! I'm sorry to hear that Poppy is sick. Fall is lovely but it also brings all those nasty bugs with it. Ugh. I hope both of you are feeling better soon.

I'll be thinking of you (as always!). Let me know how your appointment goes tomorrow.

Good night, Hilary Rose! Sleep well. I'm glad you liked my ((((hugs))))!

Katex
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


thanks for your post. You always make good sense :)


I'm under the weather with Poppy's lurgy, I hate sore throats, but I have kept dosed up, too much to do.


I am in a 2 & 8 (that's 'state' in cockney rhyming slang in case you weren't sure!). Still don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow night and for the week. Everyone, and now Ziggy and Emma, say don't go back home, but the kids will be there. I have to get the cottage packed up and sorted, I wish.....


I met with Z and Emma this pm, I fared a little better than last week, was able to speak some. I am scared about the next stage, I am feeling all alone with this but I know I'm not. It's just I have to make decisions, on behalf of the kids and me, and whatever i decide D will be angry, and my parents may not like it.


Emma was lovely. She wasn't too sure about me living so close to D, especially when the DN gets sent out to D. She has given me a personal attack alarm but said they couldn't put anything within our own property bc he may damage it! (expensive)


Ziggy went out with her at the end, I laid down in a heap and cried, scared, overdone, don't want to try any more. Ziggy came back in and was my mum for a while, then she showed me a wedding photo which was beautiful. I left her office feeling very alone with the weekend ahead, and lots of decisions to make.


I went to the barn when I got home. Lola wanted to play, it was raining, but I played. I went in and D was there. I wanted to just go, but he wanted to show me something he had read in a newspaper magazine, opened it on the page, put it in front of me, said that is what he has had in his head for many years, something about flooding... meaning the future of the barn I'm sure. I declined to read it, just left, came to the cottage and cooked, then began sorting for tomorrow.


I asked Sam what D had for supper- a tin of soup for the 3rd day this week (the other was baked beans) He asked me (through Sam) to get some more dog food. I didn't.


I have to sleep now. I haven't done very well telling you about my meeting with Emma. I am rather muddled myself.


Goodnight dear Kate, it's good to talk


Hilary Rosex


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I'm so sorry that you are ill. I imagine that the stress you have been under hasn't helped you much. I hope you are able to get some rest and that you are on the mend soon.

I understand that it is very hard to stay away when you know the kids are with Dave and you are not there to deal with whatever he does to them. Knowing how he is, your imagination can get the best of you. But being near him is probably the last place you want to be. Keep in mind that you are still moving quickly to the path of freedom. Even if you do have to go back home for a bit, you are going to be working on getting away from Dave permanently so you never have to face going back to him again.

You do have some tough decisions to make. And you are right, you are not alone with these choices. If you want, we can talk about what choices you have and make them together. Or at least I can give you a sounding board so you can make them on your own. Let me know if you want to give it a try. And I'm sure that K and Adele would be more than willing to do the same. It usually helps to have others help you look at all the options before you decide.

Emma and Ziggy sound so supportive and caring. I'm glad you were given the personal safety device. Knowing when to use it is key. It's hard when you are so used to abuse that it all seems normal, but there are times when you need to call for help even if you feel it is not necessary. It's better to let the officers sort it all out and keep you safe than find out how far Dave will go, especially now when he finds out that the divorce has gone through.

I enjoyed learning about what 2 & 8 means. Thanks for the lesson! I like learning new things :) I have had to tone back my slang and phrases from my childhood in the South. No more "down yonder" and "y'all" where I live now. But I do revert back as soon as I cross the Mason Dixon Line! Anytime you have more to share, I'd love to hear it.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Sleeping with a sore throat is not easy. I hope for you a restful and healing sleep.

Talk to you soon,
Katex
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,


today has been a backwards step :( I cleared out the cottage and am home again. I am not feeling well and am totally exhausted, hope to rest tomorrow (have rested since i came home, but no sleep, I wish)


D came home at 6 just as I'd taken Sam to work. Earlier I'd noticed an opened letter with Crown Court stamped on it- he has heard something but I don't know what. That scared me, I was unprepared, I didn't have much time to think before he came home, but he didn't speak to me, nor I him. I have been in my room with door barred, I have the attack alarm in my pocket that Emma gave me yesterday, and the bphone by the bed. he did try to come in earlier to talk, didn't say what about, said why is your door barred, I said bc I didn't want him to come in!! Simple. He went away, but I only feel safe in the sanctuary of my room, with MY things around me. If/when he goes, the kids want a complete change of everything, which is his clutter, he is just everywhere. that will fell good to have a purge :)


I'm not up to writing much today, I'll try to have a better head on me tomorrow.....


Goodnight Kate, can't wait for sleep....


Hilary Rosex

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Hilary Rose,

This is only temporary for now. It is hard to go back I know. But you still have taken two huge steps in the past week- talking to the police and getting your alarm and getting the divorce to go through. Those are both very big steps that are important to remember. You are closer than you have ever been to being free.

I hope you are getting lots of good rest tonight. I will be here when you feel ready to talk.

Good night, Hilary Rose.

Katexx (a little extra to help you :)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Morning Kate,


Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX me smile :) It's not good being home again.


I feel trapped in my room, but know it is of my own making. D is carrying on as if nothing is happening, came to my bedroom door just now to tell me he gigged at a farm yesterday where they have a couple of ponies that they put lightweight traps behind and give rides around the hilly farm. He said he'd talked to the farmer and said we could do the same with our ponies..... always talking about the future, ignoring what is happening (until it suits him)


I am trying to rest up today, shake this virus. Sam is at work, Poppy with her bf. D is 'pottering' outside. I guess nothing will change unless I make it happen, so I will talk to my lawyer on Wednesday.


I'm trying to think butterflies and freedom, colour, peace and happiness. I can't yet, I need to be around another corner I think, a Z bend. Thank you so much for offering to help me make choices, that would be really good. I'm not exactly sure what choices i have to make, Mark said financial matters, but I think occupancy should be at the top, perhaps that's all part of it., and maybe non-molestation order too. I won't know what Mark has in mind til I see him.


I have a large oil bill to pay, I'm wondering if I should ask D to pay half, but then think I want him to go soon so that isn't fare. He has got overdue bills coming out of his ears, but I'm not getting involved (just can't help the knowing!) I am SO glad I won't be doing his accounts next April, they with be totally unfathomable!!


How are you Kate, I'm sorry not to have asked lately, I think about you all so much ;)


To sleep now I hope


Hilary Rose


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I am doing fine, thank you! Don't worry about asking about me. You are going through a very tough time. I understand.

I'm sorry that you have to stay in your room just to be safe in your own home. I imagine that Dave is avoiding the obvious because he may not want to face what is going on. He only does so when he is upset because that allows him to access those feelings, the ones that upset him the most. He probably does see the writing on the wall but until he feels it is necessary to address it, mostly to hurt you with it, he most likely will ignore it.

You, on the other hand, are dealing with the situation head on. That leaves you dealing with all the feelings that go with it which may be why you feel as you do. It is not an easy thing to cope with. At this point, doing what you can to get through is all you need to do.

You do have choices in terms of how you approach the divorce. It's important that you determine what you want first, then work around that to get your choices as close as you can to what you want. For example, if you want Dave out, the best way might be to ask. But you and I both know that won't work. So going through your attorney is another choice as is calling the police if he acts out, which you have set up. Another choice is to leave the home yourself. That might not be the best choice because it forces you to give up everything just to get away, so it can be a last resort choice. Plus, the kids have shown that they are willing to put up with Dave just to be in their own home, so it is important to them to be there. That affects your choice as well.

It is great that you set it up so you are out of Dave's financial situation. It is fair to ask that he pay half of the oil bill, especially since he was there to use his portion. If he had not been there, then that would be different. Whether or not you will get his share is another story, but you can tell him he owes half.

I hope you are resting well. I am off to church but will be back soon. Talk to you later,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5450
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

hi Kate,


I have laid low all day hoping to feel better. I think I will tomorrow


I have asked Adam in customer services if he will reconsider a subscription for me as it's been 4 months since they stopped it. I hope so :) Mustn't build up hope....


Thanks for all your wise words of understanding, they are always worth reading again and again!! (no kidding :))


Dead beat, time for sleep, goodnight Kate, til tomorrow


Hilary Rosexx (x-tra most welcome

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Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Hilary Rose,

I'm glad to hear that you had some down time. It should help.

Let me know how it goes with Adam and your subscription.

I am always glad to be here for you anytime you want support or just a shoulder to lean on.

Good night, dear Hilary Rose. Many xxxx's to you tonight!

Katexx

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