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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I fathered a daughter with a women I was not in love with.

Resolved Question:

I fathered a daughter with a women I was not in love with. It came in between a breakup with the women am am in love with and currently with. We had a baby boy in April this past year and things are great.

The problem is that my daughter who I love very much visits us approximately once a month for a week at a time. Her mother is let's just say difficult to deal with at best. My mission is to be as good as a daddy as I can to my daughter even though she was born out of love or desire. Sadler her mother was looking to trap me. We never dated as boyfriend/girlfriend. We were friends with benefits for over 15 years. More on that off.

The real issue is my currently lover/fiancé' has issues with my daughter. She is kind to her, loving and caring. All wonderful things but with my daughters mother being so difficult we wined up having emotional issues with her telling me "this is very hard". I expect her to love her because she is in love with me. Therefore my daughter is part of me and she should embrace her as I would if the situation was reversed.

What can I do to please her or have her overcome her emotional disappointments. We do not live in the same town as my daughter which is why she spends the week to 10 days at a time.

This is very personal and I am reaching out with the hopes that this information is confidential and my email address is not compromised. Thank you in advance for your trust!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am sorry that this is happening to you. I think that your fiancee is jealous of the situation and of your daughter. This is why it is very difficult for her. Some people especially when younger and have no children of their own may feel inferior to the child or just the situation in general since the child was made with another women and you.

This does not mean she does not love you, but it is difficult for her to deal with and accept. If she does not have children then she may not understand yet the feeling of being a mom. I believe when she has her own children she may better understand or even when she reacher a certain maturity level.

What you can try doing is talking with her and letting her know how you feel. You may not see a change and she can become defensive. Her maturity level just may not be ready yet and if this is the case it would be difficult for her to understand. I would try anyway. Give her example such as by telling her if I were not a good father would you really want to be with me. The type of father you see me being shows what type of father I can be to your children. Also, ask her if she was the child what would she like you to do in the situation. This may help her to see the situation from different views and possible change her mind set.

Another reason she may act this way is because your daughter takes her time away from you. People who have never had children do not always realize how precious children really are. I would try getting them together and doing some type of activities that get then both together and that have your girlfriend see differently.

Also, explain to your fiancee how there are a lot of men that do not take care of their children and you do not want to be one of them. Explain how you have no feelings for her mom and just talk if needed only.

I hope this was helpful. If you give me your daughters age and let me know exactly how your girlfriend treats her then I may have more to write.

Thanks,

Jennifer
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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