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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have an odd relationship with a girl who I know for 5 years.

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I have an odd relationship with a girl who I know for 5 years. We were classmates, I had asked her out years ago but she rejected me and a month or so after, she was attached. She is current in a relationship with the same person, but often flirts, teases and messages me on a reular basis. She also initiates one on one outings where we meet up based on weak premises like "to pass her something".

Recently on one of our meet-ups where she suggested dinner because I had some books to pass her, she started acting completely bizarre. She acted like ahe was constantly distracted, she didn't want to sustain any form conversation, she laughed to herself and acted deliberately annoying and she suggested that we cut the outing short even though she was the one who usually prolonged our outings.

I do have a thing for her, we have great chemistry but on the other hand, I have no great desire to break up her current relationship. Her bizarre cold/hot behaviours also baffles me especially our latest outing where it was like she had already decided beforehand to be obnoxious. I'm pretty tired of this whole arrangement but my mind is in a daze. Please let me know if you can offer any advice, thanks!

Best Regards,
Barry
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I think you made a good decision to take a break from her for a little. It was very confusing the way she acted with you, but she could have been going through something. I wouldn't worry to much about that rather I would see how she reacts the next time you have this time together then go from there.

About your feelings for her. If you do not want to break them up then there is not much you can do, but remain her friend or even cut that off if it is too much for you to handle.

However, if you truly like her and have feelings for her it would be good to let her know. It would be up to her if she continues with her boyfriend or not, but at least she will know how you feel. She may have feelings for you and not be telling you, but even if she doesn't at least you would have done your part and would not need to think in the future if you could have had a relationship with her or not.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Hi,


 


Thanks for your answer. She does indeed know about my feelings for her as 4 years ago when we were classmates,I actually asked her out on a date, however she turned me down at that time. However I accepted her decision and treated her the same as before and did not engage in any "sore loser" type behavior.


 


Fast forward 4 years later, we remained in frequent contact(whatsapp) over the years and she is now the one that actually initiates our few one on one meetings. As a result of her previous reaction to my advances years ago,I was wary not to put her in spot by suggesting to meet up with her alone but not only has she been open about meeting up for dinner but she's the one that initiates such meetings. There's heavy heavy flirting and playful teasing (nothing inappropriate) when we usually meet or even when we chat online.


 


After the last horrible meet-up, we actually got together again for a meal but with another of my classmate with us this time. She was behaving more normally this time, but the night started off with her being very stand-off-ish and not wanting to laugh much or maintain much eye contact. Towards the end of the meeting however, she got warmed up and we shared a few laughs before calling it a day.


 


It seems to me that she was being pre-emptively defensive in the beginning in anticipation that I would perhaps be nasty to her after her annoying behavior during our last encounter. However since I was joking and treating her as per usual without being nasty or ignoring her or doing anything to "punish" her, she gradually toned down her defenses and behaved cordially and laughed normally as the night went on. Apparently she seemed to think that her behaviour the last time was bad enough to warrant some sort of "reprisal" from me, so she was not exactly unaware of how she behaved the last time in my opinion.


 


So I'm really confused; I asked her out years ago> she turned me down but is aware of my feelings> we remained in contact>< we chat and flirt regularly via whatsapp>She initiates one-on-one meet-ups> She messages me when I don't message her> She suggested dinner and then seemed to deliberately want the meet-up to go horribly by behaving in a really annoying manner>She gets pre-emptively defensive on the meeting after that but loosens uplater.


 


If a girl doesn't like a guy who she knows is interested in her, why would she suggest to meet up for dinner on her own initiative? Also its as if her boyfriend doesn't exist whenever we talk, she never even brings him up once.


 


I have a theory is that perhaps she behaved deliberately annoying the last time perhaps because despite our chemistry together; she seemed to have made up her mind to want the meet-up to fail as perhaps she feels some guilt towards her boyfriend of 4 years that she is out for dinner and enjoying herself with another guy and regularly chatting/teasing and flirting via online chats.


 


When push comes to shove, she'll probably not sacrifice the comfort of her 4 year relationship for a new one whether her current relationship is getting stale or not. So she just wants to turn me off her entirely, bow out and make her decision for her. That's just my theory though....maybe you can share your opinion with me.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
L
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

Your analysis can be correct. It is difficult for us to get into her head. It can be a million different reasons of why she may have done that. She could have even been going through something and still knew what she did wrong, so was expecting some "punishment". However, that still does not guarantee she did it on purpose. It just shows she knew what she did whether she wanted to behave that way or not in the moment.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.