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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband and I were together 2 years and married for 1. He

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My husband and I were together 2 years and married for 1. He got angry about the smallest thing and kicked me out. He is refusing any contact and wont answer any calls, emails or txts. He often got angry about small things, and he insulted my family on the wedding night, and hit me across the face ad head 3 times before leaving the hotel. He originally took responsibility for that, but over time turned the blame around onto me, and my family. It is driving me insane not knowing why this has happened, and getting no explanations, what can I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

I would like to help. Has he every shown any violent or controlling behavior in the past before this?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Yes, he has been controlling, he gets mad if things are not done his way. He was only violent the once, although I often felt he had the ability to be that way. He lost his temper and got very mad when we nearly missed our plane flight home form a holiday, then blamed me for not doing exactly what he had said to do, he was also often very critical of me

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He has shown controlling behaviour, he gets very upset aand mad if things are not doen his way

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I see this a lot and truly want to warn you. Man that are controlling and who actually take the first step of hitting their partner usually do not get better on their own. It only gets worse. They will be more controlling, physically, and verbally abusive. What you explained describes the men I see who are violent with their partners. It only gets worse and not better.

The only way men with these issues improve is when they admit they have a problem and what they are doing is wrong. This is the first big step in the right direction when they do this. From there they can start getting the help they need such as counseling and anger management classes. This is how he can change this behavior.

At this point me from the outside looking in I see this situation to be dangerous for you. I would encourage you to consider if you feel this is a relationship you would like to get back in. I understand how you think it may be okay since it was one time, but after he accepted responsibility he then turned the tables. All of these from my experience are signs for future problems and danger.

His behavior has been very confusing to you and I believe he has a lot of issues of his own. This is why he treats you like this. He has insecurities and may not feel good about himself, so when he treats you in this manner it makes him feel better. He is probably doing this to you to hurt you in order to satisfy himself subconsciously since he has these controlling issues. He may not even know why he is doing this. If you really want to get back with him I would suggest you ask him to go to counseling with you and also individual counseling, so he can get the help he needs. Talk with him and tell him how you feel and how his behavior confuses you. I would not contact him for a few days to see if he contacts you. If he does then talk with him in a mature manner. Try not to argue or fight. Do not send angry messages since this will only cause him to become defensive.

I hope that this was helpful and please let me know if I can help further.

If he has these tendencies this means he has a lot of issues going on and needs professional help. He may not be able to see things as you do even when you act rational and logical. You deserve to be treated with respect and love never hit or humiliated by your husband.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

That makes perfect sense, and deep down I knew all this. I went back to him after the last episode (one week later) and got him to agree to joint councilling but I ended up going alone, I do not believe he wants to change, or is even prepared to accept he has a problem. Also he agreed to never drink again after the wedding ( as he was drunk that night) He since went back on that too, and got angry about me controlling him

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I understand sometimes inside we know, but do not want to believe it. I am happy that you are able to see it. Some women are in the situation, so do not see it nor admit a problem and things usually become very bad for them. It is very sad and unfortunate.

. It is good and crucial that you are aware of what is going on. His behavior is unacceptable and it is not your fault. Don't let him switch things and blame you. Men with these issues have tendencies to do that. They flip everything around, so nothing is their fault and the women is left sad and confused.

I hope you stay strong and positive as well as make the right decision for yourself.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thank you so much, you have put things back into perspective for me, He does always switch things around and put the blame on me. I was getting into a very low place, getting confused, and thinking that I must have been at fault somehow.

Regards Hilary

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I am truly happy that I can be of help and it has been my pleasure. It really upsets me when men do this to women. I really think it is sad and horrible. I am extremely happy that you are able to see the truth that it is not you and you are not at fault. Believe it or not a lot of women think they deserve that treatment even when they are getting beat everyday. They think it is their fault.

If you ever want to talk again in the future you can always request me in your question heading if you like. You can also come back to this thread even after you rate me to read it or even talk here.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

One final thing, I am 56 years old and have been through abuse therapy several years ago, hence I have an understanding for these things. Seems strange that I should fall into a relationship like this knowing what I know (the warning bells were going off) but I chose to ignore them!

Thank you once again


Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
It could have been your subconcious naturally being attracted to this or maybe you liked him too much and did not want to admit it before. Sometimes things don't make sense all the time, but be glad that you saw the signs now.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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