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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My fiance and I have been arguing a great deal lately. He

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My fiance and I have been arguing a great deal lately. He doesn't feel that I'm supportive of some things he wants to do and accuses me of being controlling. For example, he is planning to do an upcoming half marathon with a buddy of his. I wasn't very supportive of this, but it's not at all because I don't want him to do the run. In fact, I want him to do things that make him feel good. The problem is, he always complains about not having the time or money to do anything that isn't his idea or for himself. He often says that we just can't go out unless I am treating because he just doesn't have it. We also did a metric bicycle ride just last week that was $45 per couple and after signing up at the event he said he didn't have his wallet, and asked if I could cover it. He never even offered to pay me back or to cover something else. So it's not that I don't want him to do things for himself that make him feel good, but it hurts my feelings that he never has the time or money for something I would like to do. We have been together for four years but still live separately due to each of us having children from previous marriage and not sure blending the household would be the best thing for them right now. He makes almost twice the income that I do. I have a steep house payment while he lives rent-free at a duplex his parents own. Since he and his children do stay over on some weekends, he will occasionally help with a portion of the utilities. He believes that since he does not ask me for financial help, I should not expect him to help me. This hurts my feelings. Am I being unfair? Most of my friends have husbands or boyfriends who do so much for them and some don't even work. I work, provide a house (which will be ours if we marry), car, my own insurance, and with my income along with child support provide all my children need, clothing, groceries, sports dues, school activities, etc. I also do a great deal for my partner's children, back to school shopping, many dinners, breakfasts, special things at the holidays, etc.
It sounds frustrating what you are going through. You did the right thing by talking with him about it. I do not think that you are being unfair or controlling. I understand your point and agree with you. He should help with things that you do together and seems able, but casually "forgets" his wallet and etc.

You also say that he doesn't want to help since he doesn't need help. I believe that things should be divided up down the middle or one covers then the other. Things pretty much shared equally. If someone were to need extra help due to a financial difficulty then there is nothing wrong with the other helping if the need is truly there and not being abused.

Since you have been trying to talk with him and he doesn't understand if I were you I would stop paying for extras such as the dinners, his children's clothes, and etc. If he forgets his wallet don't cover it. Support things that he wants to do, but everything the two of you do split down the middle. I think this will catch his attention and end up talking to you due to this. You can then explain to him again how you feel and maybe he will then understand what you have been trying to tell him all along.

I hope things get better and please let me know if I can be of further help!
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