How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
13551071
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Jen Helant is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My fiance and I have been arguing a great deal lately. He

Resolved Question:

My fiance and I have been arguing a great deal lately. He doesn't feel that I'm supportive of some things he wants to do and accuses me of being controlling. For example, he is planning to do an upcoming half marathon with a buddy of his. I wasn't very supportive of this, but it's not at all because I don't want him to do the run. In fact, I want him to do things that make him feel good. The problem is, he always complains about not having the time or money to do anything that isn't his idea or for himself. He often says that we just can't go out unless I am treating because he just doesn't have it. We also did a metric bicycle ride just last week that was $45 per couple and after signing up at the event he said he didn't have his wallet, and asked if I could cover it. He never even offered to pay me back or to cover something else. So it's not that I don't want him to do things for himself that make him feel good, but it hurts my feelings that he never has the time or money for something I would like to do. We have been together for four years but still live separately due to each of us having children from previous marriage and not sure blending the household would be the best thing for them right now. He makes almost twice the income that I do. I have a steep house payment while he lives rent-free at a duplex his parents own. Since he and his children do stay over on some weekends, he will occasionally help with a portion of the utilities. He believes that since he does not ask me for financial help, I should not expect him to help me. This hurts my feelings. Am I being unfair? Most of my friends have husbands or boyfriends who do so much for them and some don't even work. I work, provide a house (which will be ours if we marry), car, my own insurance, and with my income along with child support provide all my children need, clothing, groceries, sports dues, school activities, etc. I also do a great deal for my partner's children, back to school shopping, many dinners, breakfasts, special things at the holidays, etc.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It sounds frustrating what you are going through. You did the right thing by talking with him about it. I do not think that you are being unfair or controlling. I understand your point and agree with you. He should help with things that you do together and seems able, but casually "forgets" his wallet and etc.

You also say that he doesn't want to help since he doesn't need help. I believe that things should be divided up down the middle or one covers then the other. Things pretty much shared equally. If someone were to need extra help due to a financial difficulty then there is nothing wrong with the other helping if the need is truly there and not being abused.

Since you have been trying to talk with him and he doesn't understand if I were you I would stop paying for extras such as the dinners, his children's clothes, and etc. If he forgets his wallet don't cover it. Support things that he wants to do, but everything the two of you do split down the middle. I think this will catch his attention and end up talking to you due to this. You can then explain to him again how you feel and maybe he will then understand what you have been trying to tell him all along.

I hope things get better and please let me know if I can be of further help!
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 
Chat Now With A Counselor
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
1067 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.