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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1140
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband throws insults at me randomly. I have been trying

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My husband throws insults at me randomly. I have been trying my very best to keep things right in this marriage. He used to complain about me being untidy, which I have changed dramatically to an extent that the only room that is untidy in our house is his, where he keeps all of his belongings and clothes.


We used to get into very heated arguments, and things used to get physcial. As soon as he would insult me in any way, I used to defend myself by throwing insults at his parents instead of him {i did not want to leave any scars in him cuz i know that men are very weak hearted and can't take negative feedback). This used to anger him to the extent where he would physically hold my mouth or pull my hair, and even squeeze my hands and arms leaving bruises all over. Now, i have started to give up. Each time we have an argument, I just go quite and tell myslef that I should let it go cuz my time will come. In other words, deep down inside I am planning to stick around until i won't have to depend on him as much.


 


Today, he has a back ache, and i have been helping him all day by placing cold packs on his back, giving him lunch, dinner and what not. I have been up since 6 am. I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old baby. I got her ready, dropped her off to school, came back took care of him and the baby all day long. I am a human being and bound to get tired. So, I told him that he needs to releive me and look after kids for an hour or so. I was struggling and had to get a nap. He never came to help me, eventually I just turned the tv on for my 4 year old and put the baby in the walker and collapsed on the bed. When he saw that I had left for the bedroom, he came out and sat around with the kids. During my nap time, I hardly slept, cuz either he or my 4 year old kept on knocking on the door. It turned out to be just physical rest, since I have a bad case of plantar facsitis, even if I don't get sleep, I still have to rest to ease my feet.


Later, when I woke up he started making comments like, 'oh, you just sleep and i take care of kids and you just care about yourself'. It made me feel bad, but I ignored it.
later on we decided to go out and get some groceries. On the way, he missed a turn and suddenly said, 'oh i hate you, i missed that turn cuz of you'. This really hurt me. Then i told him that i'm tired of him making random negative comments about everything that i do. i made it clear taht i don't like it when he calls me clumsy, messy, untidy etc because i am the only one who changes diapers, cooks, and takes care of the kids all day long. he feels that since he works, he should come home and rest and should not be asked to help me with any of the house related or kids related chores. he sits down and asks me to dish out food for him. Basically, he demands a lot from me, and never gives me any credit for my hard work.


 


 Coming back to the point again, he said that he hates me and when he said that i told him that everytime yr gong to say anything negative about me, i'll throw the insult back at you by saying that you have a small penis. as soon as i said that, he started to call me fat and what not. Then i told him that i hate his dad cuz he made us miss the turn. I was just making a point as to how piontless it ws for him to blame me for making the wrong turn.  But when I mentioned his dad, he started to throw insults at my mother. I decided to stay quite and let the argument die. I did not want to put any of us in danger during the drive. 


And when we came home, he started to tell me that he does not trust me with anything. He said that he has his dad's house under his name, and if something ever happened to him, he would never trust me to give his dad's house back to his dad(his dad collects money from the well-fare agency, hence to be qualified he has to put the house under his son's name) etc. I told him that  I would never want that house anyways, cuz it's way below my living standards. I made it clear, that if he wants fairness for his dad, then maybe his dad should be fair to the well-fare system and stop wrongfully claiming for help. He got even more angry at that and violently started to pull my arm. During this torture, he said that my dad always saves taxes by showing loss in this previouls company,  and in reply to this i told him that he did lose 400,000 dollars in this old company, so he is not lying or doing anything wrong. Anyways, it was like i was talking to deaf ears.  I have a sore elbow due to him pulling. He hates it when i talk back at him in public, and he starts to physically hurt me and justifies it by saying that I deserve it cuz i swear at his parents and embarass him in public. What should I do to change things? Am I the one who is at fault? I have sworn at his parents in past, and now have completely stopped cuz once he hit my head so hard that i felt a nerve pull and my left eye was blurry for 2 weeks. I find him very annoying. After a hard days work, my entertaiment like watching tv or going on internet is also critisized by him. he tells me i waste my time. He may swear at something, and when i point it out to him that its wrong to do this in front of the kids, he completely denies swearing, eventhough i point it out to him that i have just heard him say that. 

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I would like to help. Would you like some advice about the situation in general or do you have a specific question?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

advice about the situation in general...

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry when I first saw the question I did not see the entire question. I guess there was a computer error, but now I see it and will prepare your answer.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

First off I want to say that it is terrible the way he treats you. Regardless if you were messy, clumsy, and etc he still has not right whatsoever to lay his hands on you and call you names. This is physical and verbal abuse.

You do not deserve this treatment whatsoever. Him saying he "hates you" because he missed a turn is so childish. I would recommend you not throwing insults back because that makes things worse, but at this point I truly think your relationship is beyond that. He laid his hands on you and this signifies that he truly has a problem. If it was just arguing I could give you some tips. I can still do that if you like, but right now I really want to encourage you to leave because it is not safe.

I normally do not like telling people what to do. My job is to give people advice and insight, show them different options, and help them to make a decision. When it is a certain problem I help with ideas to fix it, but in your case I feel for you and I am worried for your safety, so I strongly recommend you leave.

This is probably not the answer you were looking for and we can continue to work together, but I am inclined to tell you this first due to the danger of the situation.

The reason I say that this is a dangerous situation is because he verbally abuses you and he leaves marks on you. This can get worse in the future and who knows what he can do. Also, if your children see this it is not healthy for them and will grow up learning this is how a man treats a woman.

You deserve so much better. You seem like such a good wife and mother and he does not appreciate you. How dare he put his hands on you. There is no logical reason for this, but his reasons are truly nothing at all. He is blinded and does not see the wife and mother you are.

I understand from your first paragraph that you would like to leave when are able financially, so you are waiting. I understand why it would be very difficult to leave, but it is not impossible. You need to have a plan. SInce he is the main provider he would need to pay you alimony as well as child support, so this can help you financially.

I would gather a plan if I were you a step by step plan in order to be able to get on your own. It is not impossible. You may feel like you can not do it and he has a lot to do with why you feel like this, but you can do it. You have strength inside of you that you do not know exists. The first step is the most difficult, but once you take that along with your plan the rest is easier.

You can then live a happy life with your children and even possibly find someone one day that will love, respect, and treat you the way you deserve as well as appreciate who you are and what you do. You can have a relationship you enjoy and not one you would need to worry about getting physically or emotionally hurt.

In order for your husband to change he would need to get help. He definitely has issues of his own and this is why he treats you the way he does. He is unable to deal with his own mistakes and insecurities, so blames you for everything. It would be difficult for him to change on this own. Counseling would be best for him. However, he would first need to admit his problem and get the help he needs or he would never get better especially if he thinks he has no issues. He should also go to anger management classes.

I hope this was helpful and these are my true feelings looking from the outside in. If you want to continue working together and also would like help dealing with the arguments I can help you with that as well, but to me this was most important right now and felt this was the best answer due to the severity and danger of the arguments and your husbands actions.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Right now, I cannot take the step of leaving him. Reason being, we are in Saudi Arabia. I am from Canada, and he is from England. After getting married, we decided to move to Saudi due to a better job oppritunity. In this country, I cannot leave without my husband's permission. It is illegal, and they won't even let me travel anywhere.

 

Secondly, his job maybe ending soon. I am just waiting for his contract to finish so that we could start packing and leave without any difficulties. Once we settle down in England, I am planning to take a leap. But that will also take some time since I am planning to use him to get the support I need to get back in shape and improve my overall mental state. I have given 6 years of my precious life to this marriage, and will not let him get out without any responsibilities. All of his properties are under his name, I am not even recongnized as a citizen in England. I will have to plan smartly to get any alimony from this marriage. I am letting him use me, but I won't get used up.

I contacted you cuz I am confused about myself. Am I really causing all of these violent outbursts in him? If I say something that differes from his opinion, he gets all angry and his tone gets very combative. If I choose to differ, his tone gets all loud and rowdy. And throughout those edgy converstations my tone is normal and soft, and eventually his loud tone starts to trigger anger in me as well. And I get loud and screamy as well. Am I wrong for doing that? I get annoyed and tired of staying quiet and saying nothing. It feels as if he wants me to kill my very self and have no opinion. Sometimes, these arguments even lead to me swearing at him and his parents, which turns into a fist fight. He starts pulling my hair. Then he dares me to swear at his father again, and to show him that I'm not scared of him, I do end up swearing. In return, he smacks my face or pulls my hair. After the whole argument, he says that I cause such violent outbursts in him, specially because I swear at his parents. Is it really my fault that he hits me? We even have heated arugments over where we will move after Saudi. I want to move to Canada, due to better living standars, since everything in England is small and shabby. I don't want to live a life where I am constricted in small surroundings. I do thing moving to canada as a family is better, but he is deaf to that as well. He wants to be the man and the head in this family. He won't move to Canada, cuz his parents are in England and he wants to be close to his family. Well, I have told him that if we move to England, I'm not living close to his family since I am also living away from mine. This makes him angry and I know he hates it. I have decided to give it a try. If I don't like it, I am prepared to leave.

 

He is very good at providing for his family financially. He loves his kids and takes good care of him. Is it ok to stay in this marriage for the sake of kids? He never says anything nice or romantic to me? And when I ask him why he never praises or says anything nice to me? He says he feels awkward, or he is not the kind of person that likes to show his emotions, or he feels that it looks stupid when couples sweet talk, its like showing off or fake. Says, the real love is inside and it does not need showng. It's ironic, cuz although he may not say anything nice cuz he feels awkward, but he is very quick at critisizing and name calling me. Am I demanding too much from him? Is it normal for him to be like that to me? It seems that he is punishing me somehow for something...maybe cuz I don't talk to his parents over the phone, or maybe have even refused to stay with them even for a week while visiting England. His parents only have one washroom in the whole house and i don't like sharing a washroom with his parents. His dad has to go every 10 minutes. Plus his dad has nail fungus, and I don't think its healthy for my children to take a bath in the same bathtub. Am I being unfair to him? Why should I have any kind of relationshp with his family if he is not good to me....

 

When I tell him all of my concerns regarding his parents, he calls me selfish, evil, and goes as far as saying that I don't have a heart. It seems he only has a heart for his dad and no one else in this world. Am I really wrong for refusing to stay at his parents?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for sharing this and I apologize for not noticing that you were from Saudi Arabia. It is good that you have a plan for yourself for the future. Living there may have caused his behavior to be worse. If he had these tendencies then being in a place can even take that behavior out of him more since it seems to be accepted by that culture whereas some other countries is not.

I want to start off by saying it is not your fault that he hits you. A man is never to put his hands on a women. This is not saying that the woman is always right. They can provoke, but the man needs to walk away from that women and decide if she is good for him, but never hit her. So no matter what wrong you may have done it is not right for him to hit you. You do not deserve that no matter what.

Now this is a case of " which came first the chicken or the egg". I think what you talk about his parents, scream, and throw insults that is not appropriate and there are other ways to deal with it. However, I believe you do this because you have gotten to a point where he hurts you so bad that you want to hurt him back or is it you hurt him verbally and now he wants to hurt you verbally. I am assuming by the way you explained is that he had started talking to you in this fashion and then you reciprocate out of anger and sometimes as you mentioned you just stay quiet. Screaming and fist fighting is not the way to deal with it, but you still do not deserve this treatment and not your fault.

There always needs to be communication in a relationship. If each person is throwing insults around and yelling no one will understand anyones point and it will be a big ball of anger and frustration. Now you can change the way you react to things. This may not change him, but it could lessen some fights. The rest would be up to him to follow your lead, but most of the time when we do not talk defensively then that would also help the other to talk to us differently as well.

The best thing that you can do is when he tells you something negative stay calm, don't keep quiet because you will then explode and also resent him. For example if he says something like your wasting your time watching tv instead of lashing out and saying " what are you talking about I was with the kids all day etc...." Try something like " your right sometimes tv is pointless, but I just feel I need it after a long hard day". Just changing your responses can do wonders. This may help him to follow your leads as I said, but he may just continue his behavior. But the important thing is that you will be sure that you are not doing anything wrong. That way you won't be confused. I just want to confirm with you even though you have been fighting back with him does not mean he has the right to hit you. It is still not your fault. I am just showing you ways how to react differently in situations that will stress you out less, maybe change the way he reacts and responds, as well as keeping you mature doing the right thing that way you will know you are doing all that you can to try and make it work.

I think you should not call his parents name. I feel that you do this out of anger. First off because you are far from your family and wants him to be as well, which is not a nice thing. But it seems to be you are doing this to be spiteful to him because of how much he hurts you. The thing is two wrongs don't make a right and will only make things worse. You also want to call them names and talk bad about them because that's one way you feel you can hurt him. I would not do this anymore. This will only cause more tension and fights. Rather talk to him about how you miss your family and see if anything can be done about that.

I do not think it is unreasonable for you to not want to stay at his parents house due to the bathroom issue. You can however visit and just be sure you are really not staying there due to the issues you mentioned and not just to get him back. That would not be a good way to get him back since you would also be depriving the kids from seeing their grandparents. However, I do think the bathroom issue is a concern and staying there may not be best, XXXXX XXXXX for the day may work better.

I do not think a marriage should be kept because of children because sometimes the marriage is so bad that it is worse for the children to see that then see a divorce. So I would not let that be one of the reasons to stay together. It could be unhealthy for the children and they will think this is the way couples act and can copy this behavior in the future.

I understand his point of showing love. He is right it is the actions not the words. However, he is showing neither. Words are great and needed, but must be accompanied by actions. However, actions are most important if backed up by words or not, but the words just make it all the more sweet. He is not doing either. He is doing the opposite. I think he does have issues within and this is what causes his behavior. He may have seen this growing up or may have not gotten much love as a child, but there is definitely issues going on within him of why he feels the need to be aggressive and not show feelings and emotions. I do not think you are demanding much because he does not do. If he were a good man all together, but you wanted extra romance and etc then I would say men are different from us and each man is different. We can not force them to be exactly how we want. No one is perfect, but he treats you the opposite of good, so I do not think at all you are asking too much.

I hope this was helpful and answered all your questions. Please let me know if I missed something or if you need clarification.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi,

I noticed that you have not rated my answer yet. Please let me know if I can be of further help!

Thanks,

Jennifer
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1140
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.