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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My Girlfriend and i have been dating three months, we started

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My Girlfriend and i have been dating three months, we started out talking over the internet about 6 months ago. We have known eact other since 2nd grade but never talked much. Around March we reconnected and went from a paragraph to 1500 word to video chat everyday within a month.

I came home on leave between duty stations (i am military) and we saw each other for the first time in more than ten years. The connection was immediate, we spent everyday i was at home together. Within a week we had said "i love you" to each other. It was incredible the whole time i was home.

I moved away (about 8 hours) and things were still good for a month. Then i left for school and was having a rough time. We had some arguments but they always were resolved. She still came to visit me but things were strained. We continued to look ahead to our future. She also was offered a new job back in our hometown that is really her dream job, while i am stuck in a crappy job i hate (no choice, military). It became harder and harder to share a light and carefree moment with each other.

This last week i noticed she and i were really not communicating, we layed out some things we were not happy about in our relationship, but never fought, it was always just a talk. A few days ago we began to talk some more, and we realized that both of us are unhappy in where we are at with each other.

We have decided to take a break, not talking (exept for a call on my upcoming birthday) for however long. She says she sees compatibility issues between us, and she has been straining to talk to me for weeks. I have been trying to lighten things up before this, but i feel i was getting nowhere, just frustrated. We ended the talk so perfectly, saying i love you and goodnight. We are so open it is weird, and how the conversation went was stranger, we decided to take a break and both felt good about it. Is there still a chance, or were we never meant to be. I am so confused.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this challenging situation.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe is not an uncommon scenario. It shows both of you were honest towards each other and truly expected this new love you discovered to grow and become increasingly more fulfilling.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In a brief period of time you allowed each other to share, feel comfortable with each other and trust, nurturing real feelings for each other and feel hopeful about the way things were evolving. You got the chance to get closer in yoru sharing and it just made your relationship feel stronger. This made perfect sense since matching your expectations and needs.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you describe how you had no choice but to move away, which apparently was not a problem by the beginning but new changes made it evident new stressors were playing a role in your lives, limiting your communication and sharing. These changes pointed at realities setting you apart so limiting your relationship, one that was being built very strongly and in a very short period of time.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see here is all that these challenges about distance between you, deeply limiting the potential for further sharing had dramatically impacted what you feel and cope. This is not about a deficiency in either of you, but a natural reaction when couples find themselves frustrated, fearful and sad about the ways things evolved not promoting what they longed so strongly in that short period of time.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?


 

Customer:

it does

Customer:

i am not sure what if anything can be done

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it is not your fault, it is just sad and frustrating.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestions is for you to continue to be fully honest and open towards each other, acknowledging what's happening, being truly patient, understanding, gentle and supportive towards each other, acknowledging the ways things are, and focus on continue to share and nurture your friendship within the limitations your circumstances impose and as much as each of you feel comfortable with.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some people do feel like keeping regular communication and sharing in friendly ways without pushing expectations help them during this grieving process, while others find it even harder to keep that closely connected. Only you can know what truly works for you , what you feel comfortable with and it would be through open dialogue that you could and should support each other to make of this transition a positive empowering experience in your lives even with the pain it implies.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

There is no way to know what would happen in the future, we could endlessly speculate about it, what would only generate anxiety and weaken your ability to be present and take good care of yourselves and lives. Wiser to focus on what was shared, meaningful and fulfilling, to treasure that and keep going, being this gentle and grateful for the experience you offer to each other.


 

Customer:

i understand, speculation is just empty thought

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can tell you of couples in similar scenarios who happened to reconnect after years and continue their relationships with a fulfilling life together, while others tried and remained friends. It truly depends on how each of you happen to feel, your unique circumstances, new experiences and paths. Only through your very experience you would find out hos things evolve, just keep an open mind and heart, without any rigidity nor pushing yourselves. Life is a constant experience and what makes it worthy and fulfilling is how wisely and fully we engage in it in the now, when it happens, when we get the chances it offers.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel like doing it, please continue to share with her in this way and regardless of what happens in what we call future, this would continue to be a meaningful experience for you.


 

Customer:

thank you


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome


 

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