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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My husband and I have grown apart after 19 years of marriage.

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have grown apart after 19 years of marriage. We have 3 children all teenagers now. And nothing feels the same. We have tried but I believe our differences have caught up with us. We love and respect each other and we both feel the ever growing distance. We had a conversation and he gave me the oppritunity to go if I wanted. I said I really wanted to stay. But that is not the truth. I am terrified to be on my own and start all over again. I need to make the right decision for my children and myself. All my family and friends are in ohio and I'm in California all alone. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and understand how hard it may be. Did you both ever try counseling?

Besides the fact of being afraid to be alone would you prefer to stay with be or leave?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I feel i would rather be alone . Im so affraid of making the wrong choice. and how it will affect my kids. He is a good guy and a great father. He will NOT go to counceling. Do I give up a normal life and a good man because im no longer happy and havent been for 2 years. or do i stick it out and just be happy for the basics?

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for sharing. This really depends on what you truly want. Everyone has the right to be happy. If you feel there is a chance to work it out and you love him, but if you feel there is no chance for change and you feel in your heart that your done then leaving may be best. There is no "normal" anymore. At least the children are older and had you both together for most of their growing up. Sometimes it is better for the children to have separated parents rather than parents who are not showing a good relationship because children will live what they learn. They make think this is how a mother and father act and will copy the behavior, so it may be better for them if you both are separate if you are not showing a healthy relationship.

I understand how scary it may be to take the first step, but it can be done with a plan. If he was the main provier he would need to pay you alimony and child support if children are under 18. This may help some. Right now you will feel lonely because this is your life and what you are used to. You would need to rebuild everything, but once you do may be much happier. You need to consider if it is better spend the rest of your life as you are or if you are better off facing a little difficulty for a few years while you get settled, but then be happier for the rest of your life.

It is sad that he will not go to counseling, but I would encourage you to go for yourself. It can help you dig deep to make a decision if you should really leave or not. Then it can help you with which every decision you make to be a stronger, happier individual inside yourself whether or not you stay. If you find happiness from within then you will look at the world different in either decision.

I wish you the best and please let me know if I can help further.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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