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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I have been friends with a girl for the past several years,

Customer Question

I have been friends with a girl for the past several years, we have both been drawn together it seems since high school but have always been in other relationships. She just got out of the current one she was in about 1 to 2 months ago. It was about a 2 year relationship and the guy really betrayed her trust and honesty. So she is obviousally still in the hangover of the breakup, we started hanging out about a month ago again and have been having an unbelievable time together, we laugh and carry on, and just couldn't have had more fun, I can honestly say that it feels like since we started to hang out again that things just feel like they are developing and starting to form. We even talked about a kiss, so Im really happy at this point, then all of a sudden she made the comment that she saw herself being single for a while in random conversation. It kinda bummed me out considering the time we hae been haing but at the same time didn't surprise me considering what she had been through. We ended up having a long conversation that night about eerything, I told her that I hated seeing her with all the guys she dated because they didn't treat her the way she deserves, and that I know that I could treat her that way. I told her I wasn't trying to rush her and that we could go slow. She told me that she feels like we have always been drawn to each other and that nobody has ever talked to her that way before and she neer imagined having a conversation like that with me, she told me that I was amazing like 3 times and that im such a great guy, this really surprised me but she also told me that she trusts me, which didn't surprise me as much as her saying she doesn't trust anyone else, not family, friends, nobody. She said that she had alot to process and go home and think about and then she hugged me for like 3 minutes straight and left. That was friday night, I left it alone over the weekend just to give her space, but talked to her yesterday about going to an orioles game this friday, we talked several times yesterday and I just felt like she was talking to me differently, in a good way, like you do in high school when you have a crush or something, my question is how does this souns so far or in the future? Is there anything I should or shouldn't do in the future? I want to believe this is going forward but am afraid to and be let down. When we hung out she was taking my arm while walking and leaning on me putting my arm around her and her arm around my waist, so it feels like its going towards what I want, then she made the comment about being single a while. Then we had out talk, so I don't know what to think just yet. I need some advice on how to handle this to make her mine for the future. I've dated alot of girls and I can say with certainty that I have never had a girl affect me this way or make me feel this way before. It scares the hell outta me because im afraid of getting crushed if it doesn't work or I don't handle it right. Please help!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

You said you never had a girl affect you in this way and this is a good thing because you know what you are looking for in a girl and that is her. This relationship sounds like it is progressing even though she has said that she is not ready. I do feel she will be ready to date you because I see little things like leaning on you, just being honest with you about how she feels. All these things are a good things for you and her. I can tell you really have feelings for this girl and it sounds like you clearly expressed how you feel about her too her. These are the proper steps to going forward in a relationship together. The one thing stopping her from fully committing is the trust issue. She has gone through a break up where the guy betrayed her trust. She will need that time for you to show her that she can trust again. Once trust is broken in a relationship or just even with a family member it leaves a lasting impression on you until you are able to find the people you can trust. She needs to know that she can trust people, but she needs to find the right ones. You being one of them, but you have to show her that you are there for her. He actions say that she cares about you and I feel that you both would be together if she wasn't going through this difficult time. But I feel that if you keep in contact go out together to places you will develop that connection you both need to go forward in this relationship. Don't wait, ask her to go out and even if it is just to talk. She needs someone right now.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I would love seeing her more often but I don't want to come off as trying to rush things or be pushy, so do you agree? And she did initiate the contact with grabbing my arm while walking and then leaning on me and then walking with out arms around each other, when we are together should I start to initiate contact now? Like holding her hand? Or is that too much too quick. Or should I just let her make contact. And why do you think she told me that about being single if she shows me otherwise? Also since we had our long talk, should I bring it up again to see if she has anything to say about it or should I just leave it alone.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I would let her make the first moves as far as holding hands because you want her to feel comfortable. I feel she will need to feel like she is in control because she is the one who is not ready. I don't feel spending time together or asking her to go someone is to pushy. I think it will show her you are there for her to wait for her until she is ready. Also you could try this, you could ask her how she holds hands, she will show you and you both will create that connection. Not all people hold hands the same way. The past you said about being single. She is trying to create this safety zone. It is like dating with out the actual title. She doesn't want to say yes she will be in a committed relationship. She wants to establish a relationship with you with no pressure.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
What about kissing her? Like I said we talked about a kiss before but I just decided not to go for it the last night we saw each other, should I try to the next time? I doubt she will just because most girls wouldn't make the move for the first kiss anyway. And do you think that she truly does hae feelings for me? By her actions. I just wanna make sure because of my own well being. I really can't imagine anyone doing those things or saying those things if they didn't but do you? And is there anything to do or say that will help establish those feelings or trust? Any little tricks or secrets to the trade that will blow her away and make her realize she has someone special in front of her. I truly feel like this is something more then a coincidence or whatever, I honestly feel like we should be together. Also her and I had a little two week fling when we were seniors in high school, we did have sex but that was llike 9 years ago as were both 26 now. Reason I bring this up is because she has told me several times remember this time or that time and said she was thinking about it the other day, and right after we had that long conversation friday night we were still sitting in the car and she suddenly asked me if I remembered that night a while ago when we had sex. I told her yes and we just kinda smiled about it and that was that. I joked with her earlier about the other things saying wow you must be thinking about me alot cause you ask me about those times alot where we did this or that. She just smiled and played it off. What are your thoughts?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
What about kissing her? Like I said we talked about a kiss before but I just decided not to go for it the last night we saw each other, should I try to the next time? I doubt she will just because most girls wouldn't make the move for the first kiss anyway. And do you think that she truly does hae feelings for me? By her actions. I just wanna make sure because of my own well being. I really can't imagine anyone doing those things or saying those things if they didn't but do you? And is there anything to do or say that will help establish those feelings or trust? Any little tricks or secrets to the trade that will blow her away and make her realize she has someone special in front of her. I truly feel like this is something more then a coincidence or whatever, I honestly feel like we should be together. Also her and I had a little two week fling when we were seniors in high school, we did have sex but that was llike 9 years ago as were both 26 now. Reason I bring this up is because she has told me several times remember this time or that time and said she was thinking about it the other day, and right after we had that long conversation friday night we were still sitting in the car and she suddenly asked me if I remembered that night a while ago when we had sex. I told her yes and we just kinda smiled about it and that was that. I joked with her earlier about the other things saying wow you must be thinking about me alot cause you ask me about those times alot where we did this or that. She just smiled and played it off. What are your thoughts?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
She has thought about the time that you were intimate together, so that proves she is envisioning you both together and how things use to be 9 years ago. This is someone that knows you and the trust issue should go away rather quickly because this is not two strangers dating. This sis two people who have known each other and are getting the chance to be together. She gives many signs that she is interested and I think she is just being cautious about her feelings and could be hesitating because she is worried about starting a new relationship. About kissing her, you sure could kiss her but I would wait just one more time you are together. You want to make sure she is ready. A kiss is very natural and you can tell when someone wants to kiss you. they might lean in close to your face or talk about kissing. You could also bring up kissing to start the process. You are not wasting your time with her, I see signs she does like you. Trust has to be earned, show, it can be spoken. Please accept my answer.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to check in with you and see how you were doing and if you needed anymore advice?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey do you still have our previous conversation? I had a follow up question.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
Have not received answer yet. Dont know if she is offline
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey do you still have our previous conversation? I had a follow up question. Or could someone else help me with my question
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Yes, I do, do you need more assistance? I am here to answer all questions. How may help you?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok so last friday was the last time I talked to her, she had was coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling well, so I figured it would just be best to give it a little bit of space and not try an contact her for a little while, so I had planned on sending her flowers this week, I printed some pictures from the ravens and orioles games we went to and included the pictures and a note inside a card and sent them with the flowers yesterday. The note just said that I had been thinking of her and wanted to say hi. That I had a great time with her at the games and that it was so nice going out with someone who made me laugh as much as we did. Then I just ended it saying that I hope she was getting over her cold and that I looked forward to more good memories shared with her and that I hoped to see her soon. So Wednesday night I went to the flower shop and set it all up to be delivered to her work on Thursday which was yesterday. So Thursday night she called me out of the blue. She said she hadn't heard from me and wanted to say hi and see how I was doing, we were on the phone for an hour and a half and just had a really nice conversation, talked about all kinds of things. We talked about getting back together and doing some more things together and stuff like that. So one thing we talked about was betting on the orioles game. She said we would do a movie night and loser of the bet brings the beer. So after we got off the phone like 20 minutes later I text her and said hey so if the orioles lose are we still gonna do our movie date night? And I got no answer. So she had went home early that day from being sick, so the next day was when I had the flowers being delivered. 930am I text her and said hey did you make it into work today and are you feeling better? Again no answer. So I talked to flower shop and they said flowers were delivered 1030am. I still haven't heard from her. I tried calling her last night to ask her a question but I was really just trying to figure out if she got the flowers or not but got no answer, I left a voicemail saying her its matt I have a question for you so when you get the chance call me, so I still haven't heard anything from her. Do you see anything wrong with what I did? I mean it wasn't like I sent her roses. They were just some daisies and normal flowers like that nothing real deep. But was it wrong of me to do that? I honestly saw no problem what so ever with doing that or else I obviously never would've sent them. I don't know if something happened or not. Her phone broke or who knows. But she has never not replied to me before. What are you thoughts? I was like on cloud nine Wednesday night cause of her calling me after 5 days not talking, and planning on spending more time together, I was so happy about it. And then this happens.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok so last friday was the last time I talked to her, she had was coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling well, so I figured it would just be best to give it a little bit of space and not try an contact her for a little while, so I had planned on sending her flowers this week, I printed some pictures from the ravens and orioles games we went to and included the pictures and a note inside a card and sent them with the flowers yesterday. The note just said that I had been thinking of her and wanted to say hi. That I had a great time with her at the games and that it was so nice going out with someone who made me laugh as much as we did. Then I just ended it saying that I hope she was getting over her cold and that I looked forward to more good memories shared with her and that I hoped to see her soon. So Wednesday night I went to the flower shop and set it all up to be delivered to her work on Thursday which was yesterday. So wednesday night she called me out of the blue. She said she hadn't heard from me and wanted to say hi and see how I was doing, we were on the phone for an hour and a half and just had a really nice conversation, talked about all kinds of things. We talked about getting back together and doing some more things together and stuff like that. So one thing we talked about was betting on the orioles game. She said we would do a movie night and loser of the bet brings the beer. So after we got off the phone like 20 minutes later I text her and said hey so if the orioles lose are we still gonna do our movie date night? And I got no answer. So she had went home early that day from being sick, so the next day was when I had the flowers being delivered. 930am I text her and said hey did you make it into work today and are you feeling better? Again no answer. So I talked to flower shop and they said flowers were delivered 1030am. I still haven't heard from her. I tried calling her last night to ask her a question but I was really just trying to figure out if she got the flowers or not but got no answer, I left a voicemail saying her its matt I have a question for you so when you get the chance call me, so I still haven't heard anything from her. Do you see anything wrong with what I did? I mean it wasn't like I sent her roses. They were just some daisies and normal flowers like that nothing real deep. But was it wrong of me to do that? I honestly saw no problem what so ever with doing that or else I obviously never would've sent them. I don't know if something happened or not. Her phone broke or who knows. But she has never not replied to me before. What are you thoughts? I was like on cloud nine Wednesday night cause of her calling me after 5 days not talking, and planning on spending more time together, I was so happy about it. And then this happens.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok so last friday was the last time I talked to her, she had was coming down with a cold and wasn't feeling well, so I figured it would just be best to give it a little bit of space and not try an contact her for a little while, so I had planned on sending her flowers this week, I printed some pictures from the ravens and orioles games we went to and included the pictures and a note inside a card and sent them with the flowers yesterday. The note just said that I had been thinking of her and wanted to say hi. That I had a great time with her at the games and that it was so nice going out with someone who made me laugh as much as we did. Then I just ended it saying that I hope she was getting over her cold and that I looked forward to more good memories shared with her and that I hoped to see her soon. So Wednesday night I went to the flower shop and set it all up to be delivered to her work on Thursday which was yesterday. So wednesday night she called me out of the blue. She said she hadn't heard from me and wanted to say hi and see how I was doing, we were on the phone for an hour and a half and just had a really nice conversation, talked about all kinds of things. We talked about getting back together and doing some more things together and stuff like that. So one thing we talked about was betting on the orioles game. She said we would do a movie night and loser of the bet brings the beer. So after we got off the phone like 20 minutes later I text her and said hey so if the orioles lose are we still gonna do our movie date night? And I got no answer. So she had went home early that day from being sick, so the next day was when I had the flowers being delivered. 930am I text her and said hey did you make it into work today and are you feeling better? Again no answer. So I talked to flower shop and they said flowers were delivered 1030am. I still haven't heard from her. I tried calling her last night to ask her a question but I was really just trying to figure out if she got the flowers or not but got no answer, I left a voicemail saying her its matt I have a question for you so when you get the chance call me, so I still haven't heard anything from her. Do you see anything wrong with what I did? I mean it wasn't like I sent her roses. They were just some daisies and normal flowers like that nothing real deep. But was it wrong of me to do that? I honestly saw no problem what so ever with doing that or else I obviously never would've sent them. I don't know if something happened or not. Her phone broke or who knows. But she has never not replied to me before. What are you thoughts? I was like on cloud nine Wednesday night cause of her calling me after 5 days not talking, and planning on spending more time together, I was so happy about it. And then this happens. Are you still there?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
Never got an answer. Has been 4 hours
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

The JustAnswer system is full of glitches these days. I have 3 in a row of your same post, so perhaps DearDebra didn't get anything, or something else happened. Here's my 2 cents worth: You're freaking out with embarrassment/awkward/doof!--aka feelin-foolish, because your heart's out on your sleeve and you don't know why she hasn't at least wiped her nose on it.

I've skimmed your conversation with DD, and I'm an expert on relationship histories. She's protecting herself when she says she's going to be single for a while. And she's strongly drawn to have her "healing relationship" with you. But if she does that as MORE than "friends" this soo, then she can only do it by semiconsciously being sure that you're more into her than she is into you (which you are, right now), so she won't get hurt if you turn out to be (somewhat) like all the rest of the guys--but then she'd also feel guilty for using your greater affection for her safety when she's just not ready to feel too much self-surrendering-love until she's felt more of the mourning and cleaning-up-afterwards feelings about her ex.

So step back for a minute and think about YOUR last long-lasting relationship. How long ago did it end? How much were you in love yourself? What did you learn from it? Perhaps you can email her about how you are pausing yourself to see if there's more you can learn from your own past, because you understand that she needs time to think about what happened and learn from that, and to feel her losses. You'd be inviting her to share her relationship lessons with you, which might help her get through her mourning process. And if you did some serious reflecting on your own past relationships, you might be less head-over-heels and more clear-sighted about yourself and her (cuz self-reflection about our own pluses and minuses in loving is something very few guys do). What you're seeing in her you might be doing yourself also: namely rushing into it, because it feels so great to be "in like" again, but then freaked out because you haven't attended to and treated your own bruises and they're throbbing like mad the moment something might be snarled up.

So maybe you actually know pretty close to exactly how she's feeling, Because You're Doing the Same Thing and feeling the same things: such as "This could be too good to be true!"

So if you really want to ring her bells, you could write her a little poem (whether in free verse or just regular prose) about the guy or girl who got to first base on a bunt and then stole second! But s/he's wondering "how many more chances can I take?" cuz that's a little like where you are in this inning.

You've got many more innings to go, since you've had years in the dugout already. But now, just hang tight in the on deck circle and keep winking at the pitcher. (That means: ENJOY YOUR ANTICIPATION and don't worry about blowing your chances, time is on your side.)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is her strongly wanting her "healing relationship" to be with me going to mean that she wants friendship and then after she has healed she will moe on? Or does it mean ill get the chance to date her. Im not trying to be selfish but at the same time I can't help but feel how I feel about her, so if we hang out which she tells me she wants to continue doing then I would feel alot better if I knew the possibility was there for things to evolve, after time goes by and she is feeling better.But right now her head is so screwed up she can only answer by saying she can't give me an answer or I don't know because she can't even think about something like that right now. I don't know what this dude did to her but it sure as shit devasted her. I look at things like her calling me Wednesday night after not talking for a week and I feel like she wouldn't have done that if she didn't like me. I mean I've never really known a girl to call a guy randomly after a week to talk just out of friendship but maybe im wrong. My biggest fear with all of this is that im going to put fourth the time and effort to have it go no where. But then again I can't help but feel like there is something there, even she said she feels like we've always been drawn towards each other. I feel like this is the biggest risk with highest reward I've had in my life. Thoughts? Does it sound like she would be more then just friends in the future.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Did anybody ever tell you that "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?" It's true. I don't know of any statistics that would put numbers into the possibility of her healing turning into a relationship in which she wants to take the big risk of being hurt again. But you're saying "can I have reassurance that my chances are good of a shift into the real live mating dance? because I don't want to take the risk of being hurt again."

That's why I've invited you to examine your own relationship history to find out if you've ever completed the grieving&learning&letting-go process with your own last Great Love. I've invited you to search your own head and heart as a way to balaance out your desperation to make sure she doesn't get away. The odds could be around 50/50, but nobody's ever studied it.

What's the matter with learning more about love? Are you actually pretty young & inexperienced at love? How can you keep fropm getting too excited & scared too fast? Is there anything else in your life you can care about, like a work project? Are you an artist, musician or a poet?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Yes there are lots of things I care about, im happy with my life, my friends and family, my job. All of it, but the one thing I want the most right now is a significant other. Im the only person out of my group of friends and family who is single so its just hard and I feel like this has alot to do with why I am so anxious towards this. I guess what im trying to say is I honestly feel like there is something between us and there are feelings there, I just think like you said that she is scared and needs to have time to heal. So I need to be patient I know. But is there anything adice you can offfer for me towards how to handle this? Or things I can do to help the situation? I have been thinking alot about my past relationship and have giving what you said to do alot of thought. Maybe your right and that's why I have been acting like I've been acting. Thoughts?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
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