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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I will try to keep this as brief as possible while providing

Customer Question

I will try to keep this as brief as possible while providing supporting info on all parties involved.

My boyfriend and I have been officially bf/gf for 1 month. We were dating prior to being official of course. When we first got together we were assured that both of us did not have any feelings for ex or anything like that. He mentioned to me that he did have his heart broken at one point because he had to part ways with an ex of his (this is like from 4 years ago in his early 20s) without choice. She had to move with her family to Switzerland. They never officially ended things but just simply moved on. He dated so many people afterwards and had other long term relationships. (feedback on the ex: first love of his, longest relationship of a little over 2 years, and they did not have a choice to break up, they did not keep in touch these years either)

Our relationship was moving smoothly better then expected. He was always loving and showed his feelings. He was the first to say I love you and also the first to throw in the marriage card. He was sure he met the person he wanted to marry and have kids with. At one point, we had a scare that I may be pregnant, and he wanted me to be while i was hesitant about it. Everything was almost picture perfect up until 3 days ago. His ex randomly called him one night and told him that she was back for good. All the feelings from the past seem to haunt him and drove him to feel as if he missed her and wanted / needed to see her and that they needed to talk.

He didn't sleep for the day and avoided talk with me. Then he asked me to come out to meet him and told me the situation. He feels that its not fair to me and that he needs alone time to figure out what this "feeling" is he had over the phone with her.

I'm worried and unsure as of right now. I just found out I'm pregnant and I also let him know this. I don't know whether the feeling he felt was love that he still has for her and the fact he wants to try again with her, or if this feeling is just there because they never had closure in their relationship and never officially ended.

Help. Please provide advice. Thanks
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 3 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private

or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

it's just very sad things have got to the present point once you have just started dating so knowing about each other.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Once all the information you know about him is what he has told you in this short period of time and there is no significant long term experience as a couple, there is no way to know for sure his core feelings. What you know is that as soon as he got contacted with his ex-girlfriend it as enough for him to ask you to give him a time to reflect on his feelings and what he truly wants, and even after he knew for sure you are pregnant he has kept his decision.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You know they had along term relationship and they did not formally ended it and now both seem to want to work on what could happen from now on between them. Obviously the fact you are pregnant does not seems to be the first priority for him but to be sure about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

I am aware of this.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

I am not sure if this is what the ex gf wants from him but I feel that he must go figure out what his feelings are for her. He mentioned he is unsure of what exact feeling he is experiencing.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

He just told me he felt like he missed her... or feel like they really needed to talk

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I do totally support your approach here and think it is mature, assertive and realistic.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Nothing easy for sure but necessary for you to take good care of yourself and of your pregnancy.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

at this point, what action should i take?

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

Ive been given advice from friends and family. They are all different

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

some say I should just give him the time he needs to figure it out and go about my life normally and see where it goes

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

and some say I should just ask him for a straight answer and not give it any time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Set a realistic and acceptable time frame for him to reflect on what he wants and chooses to do about this situation for you to be clear about what you could expect from him.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

we have not talked for 3 days now

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

no call or txt ever since he begged me for alone time to reflect

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

I've already decided on my own that I will not be keeping this child. I am not waiting on him for a decision on the pregnancy matter, rather, I'm waiting for his answer on what he plans to do with our relationship.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

with this being said, what do you suggest I do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Pushing anybody under any circumstance in personal relationships is never wise but it promotes dysfunction and people to be fake and not able to work on creating real fulfillment. If both partners do not truly feel they want to be together because of sharing the same affection, and mutual respect, understanding, caring, values and belief system, have compatible personalities and the same core expectations and needs, it would never work. And for people to truly find out about all these concrete realities, time and sharing with honesty and openness are required. SO good will is fine but not enough for a mature relations

hip to work.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your decision shows you are open to keep in the relationship if he happens to choose he wants to continue with it, then you just need to set a time frame about for how long are you willing to wait for an answer from him.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

what is a suitable time frame?

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

I know that this is a hard question to answer but I am just not sure myself

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For sure it is not something easy.

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

in the event that he does not contact me. Should i just let things go?

JACUSTOMER-uwjewrfd- :

Also im curious as to what your opinion is on the whole "feeling thing" I felt like he may have already met this girl and knows his feelings already...and it wasnt just a mere phone convo

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he does not contact you, my suggestion is

for you to send an email or contact him and ask for a response. that would be the assertive, responsible and proactive approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have no way to know that. But it is obvious his current approach shows is i snot sure at all about staying in this relati

onship and he is telling you he cares and misses the other person.

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