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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My partner does not drink alcohol and initially when we were

Customer Question

My partner does not drink alcohol and initially when we were dating, she would not allow me to drink alcohol if she was around. That was one of the reasons we broke up the first time.. I am a casual social drinker and don't think it is right for her to control my decision to drink or not. I handle myself well when I drink. We recently got back together. One of the things that allowed this to happen was her deciding she was okay with me drinking. Now that we're dating again, she is now complaining about the frequency of me drinking. I feel like it is her way of retaining control over my drinking.. I don't know if I should compromise on this and drink less often. Or if I should find someone that lets me be myself.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. Let me ask you a few questions first before I can answer your question. Let's start with how much you drink every day. I see that you are offline now. So let me proceed with what I can without having this information.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You did say that you were just a social drinker. If that is so then she is being inappropriate and should not be telling you what to do. If, in fact, she doesn't believe in being with someone who drinks then she shouldn't be with you. It is not her place to control your life.


 

Customer:

Hi Dr. Shirley.. I don't drink everyday. My drinking varies every week depending on what kind of social events I go to.. It fluctuates. It may be as little as once per week or during the busier months of my life, once every other week. Currently, I have a limited opportunity to enjoy my social life because I'm not in school as I usually am so I have been drinking 3 or 4 nights per week for the past 2 weeks but this isn't the norm for me. On average, I drink once a week.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, I see you are online now. Hi.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Then she is being ridiculous!!!!!!


 

Customer:

LOL that is what all my friends say.. I really needed some professional advice just to be sure.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Look, I can tell you that I don't drink and I'm still saying that.


 

Customer:

I do feel that to be happy she needs to be with someone that doesn't drink.. I was hoping she had really come around to being okay with this but it seems that she's still trying to control my right to drink.

Customer:

She tells me that it's fair to compromise on this but I wasn't sure that this is a compromising kind of issue.. seems more like control to me.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

And I have been in the field for a long time and have 17 years of mental health education post my bachelor's of arts degree in psychology and so have seen a lot. It is not an issue to compromise about. She is trying to control you. If she is doing it about this --- then what else will she control you about down the line.


 

Customer:

I see what you're saying.. I do get the feeling that she has the tendency to control. I saw it in other areas last time we did this..


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

How long have you been with her? How old are you? What are the other areas that you've seen this issue of control on her part?


 

Customer:

We were only together for 7 months before we split up the first time.. we had a two month break and now we've only been back together for 2 weeks. I'm 26 and she is 39

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

When you say that you are not in school --- when were you in school and why not now. Where did you go to school --- was that away from her?


 

Customer:

I think the best example I can give for her controlling is that she is a bit of a germaphobe and expects me to abide by her ways of living when I'm at her house or handling her things. She also is no longer allowing her friends to drink whenshe hosts her monday night gatherings


 

Customer:

I do my school through correspondence and work full-time so when I'm in school, I'm very busy and don't have time to drink often.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see.


 

Customer:

I have my one month break from school before I start next semester.

Customer:

I have to get going but thank you for your advice.. it's good to know that someone with experience in this realm doesn't agree that she should be deciding how often or whether I drink.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Let me ask you and you won't like what I am saying can I say what I think even though you have not asked me what I am going to say


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see you went offline. I'll await your response before I continue with that.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

She has NO RIGHT telling you what to do. You should think very carefully about continuing a relationship with this woman.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Let me say what I was going to say --- and that has to do with the age difference between the two of you. She is acting like she is your mother and is not treating you as a peer.


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You seem like a very intelligent young man --- intelligent enough to begin questioning this. The next wise move on your part is to continue your questioning and that is --- asking yourself why you are staying with someone like her?


 

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Remember I am saying these things as someone who works with stuff like this everyday in my practice --- a lot of training and experience in the mental health field. Knowing what I know I can't just tell you what you want to hear. My training helps me to help you move in the right direction for you. BotXXXXX XXXXXne --- yes, it's about the drinking but it's a lot more than that!


 

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.
Please remember to rate me. My goal is to provide you with EXCELLENT SERVICE. If you need to chat some more please enter whatever you like and I will check back to see if you have entered anything and I will respond. If we are no longer in chat mode but have moved to question and answer just put Dr. Shirley Schaye before your response and I will be the one to answer.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I do agree with you that she is acting more like my mother than my peer.. and maybe that does have to do with her being older and thinking she is wiser. Or because of her tendency to control.. Just for clarity, I am actually a woman and we're in a lesbian relationship. I'm in a relationship with her because I'm in love with her.. and hoping it can work. But it seems that the issues we had before are resurfacing, albeit to a smaller degree. I still don't think it's right for her to tell me how often I can drink.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.
It doesn't matter whether you are in a lesbian or a heterosexual relationship. She is still controlling you. What else will she control you about down the line??? I agree wholeheartedly with you --- she should not be controlling you!!!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I think the only thing I can do is tell her that I won't allow her to control my drinking. If she can't accept that, we need to go our seperate ways. And you're right.. this control probably will come up in other forms at some point. So maybe that is the best thing for us..

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.
Sorry that I did not answer sooner. I was with a patient.
You are a very wise woman. YES! Do tell her that. You are moving in the right direction.
Please know that I am here for you should you wish to chat back and forth.
I wish you the best!!!!
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
Dr. Shirley Schaye and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hi Dr. Shirley. I've been doing some thinking about this issue to prepare myself for this discussion we're going to have tomorrow. I've been thinking a lot about this "control" issue. I guess what I'm wondering is how to tell when something is a compromise and when it becomes control. I understand that relationships do take compromise. And I full heartedly believe that this is not one of the things I should compromise on. I think what I'm trying to determine is whether Gianna has a controlling nature and if this attitude of hers will continue to resurface in the future.

Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 1 year ago.
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