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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1363
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My wife and I have been married for over 12 years. In the

Customer Question

My wife and I have been married for over 12 years. In the last 6 years I have been working at a job 7 days a week which also is swing shift. Sometimes I may even work 8 to 9 shifts a week. She just start going back to her profession as a school teacher. She stayed home with our two beautiful girls til they both were in school. In these past 6 years she has told me that she has been unhappy because she had no one to talk to. I am always working and when I come home I am tired and watch some tv. I do help out with our daughters, getting them ready for school and if I can go to their events. We did talk about my job change before I took it letting her know all about the sacraficies we both would take on. In the past number of months she has gotten onto a website for adult intereaction, just for lonely people to talk and make friends. However, she has been talking to a guy and she has gotten to know pretty well, in fact they both exchanged phone numbers and have been talking long hours into the wee hours of the night. I have voices my concern about this matter and she always tells me it is completely innocent. She says that we are just two lonely people that want to talk. But when I want to talk to her she does until he calls then its all just about him. As I said she is a substatute teacher and gets called maybe once or twice a week. She spends most of her time on the website or talking to him. Shfe rarely cleans, cooks, or do bills anymore. Its all up to me. I have told her about this and she gets upset and we end up yelling at each other. I do tell her that I am still in love with her and she tells me but I really think she means it. I feel she just wants me around for the paycheck. I love my girls and when I do think about divorce it makes me so depressed. I do not want to leave them knowing I would see them but not being there all the time wants me to break down and cry. Please if there is anyway to help us, please do. Helplessly needing help
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. It is very difficult. I understand why she may have chose to do this, but I think it may have gotten a little out of control. You can let her know how it is hurtful to you and try to have her look at it from your point of view if it were the other way around. Also, remind her of why you both agreed in taking the job and how worse things could be if you didn't. Sometimes people do tend to forget that it was also their decision to be in the situation they are in, but just find themselves unhappy, so it is easier to just blame the other person. It is important to remember the start to the end to help us realize why we are where we are in order to appreciate.

If you both love each other I believe that you can make it work. Its just going to take some changes. Why don't you both try writing down on a piece of paper each what changes you would like to make within the situation and with each other and selves. Also write down the positive things in your relationship and what you like about each other. Then compare notes and see how everything weighs. Try taking some of the issues you agree on are major and work together to find a way to make it better. Some of the least important things you both may just want to let go. This takes team work. By doing this no one will be pointing fingers or making the other change. It will be a team work effort.

I would also recommend counseling for both of you. It sounds like to two of you have a lot of potential and I think things can be worked out with the right tools. A counselor will help dig deep into all the issues to begin to repair and restore your relationship.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 3 years ago.
I noticed that you have not rated my answer yet. If you plan to rate me anything less than positive than please let me know, so I can help further. We can continue working together until you are satisfied.

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