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Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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There is much written about ambivalence in relationships but

Resolved Question:

There is much written about ambivalence in relationships but never if it curable. Do people who have this ever get through it? If so how??
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Tiye : Hello, yes couples often can work through ambivalence in relationships but work is the key word. Both individuals have to decide that they want to reignite the flame and move the relationship to another level. If both partners are not truly intentional about the relationship it will become stagnant, and to some, unbearable.
Dr. Tiye :

Being intentional consists of making a daily effort to make things better. Some days the effort may be a quick email, other days the effort may include planning a romantic weekend. At the end of the day something has to be done to make it interesting.


 

Dr. Tiye :

The problem occurs when only one person wants the relationship, both have to be committed otherwise its easy for the mundane routine of everyday life to take over and lead your mind into places and people outside of the relationship.


 

Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.

we have been together for 8 years. He seems so stuck since his divorce. I have patiently awaited..well not so patient anymore. He makes promises he then does not keep. Claims he needs more time. I know he loves me...but I also know he still talks with ex. They had been married for 12 years together 20. They were good work partners but no intimacy inthe bedroom

Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 2 years ago.
So is your relationship now following the path of his marriage? There are many people who can stay in long term relationships but can't truly maintain a long term relationship by giving the time, effort, and energy required. If you feel that this is the case, you may have to make a decision to seek a more attentive, invested partner.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

hmmm I dont think so... but in all aspects of his life he seems unable to get moving...except golf and hunting...i think he is afraid of committing to anything including me...i know about myself making the decision ...it just seems not much data about these ambivalent men ...what becomes of them. He is generous and


romantic and soon to retire. there is an opportunity to purchase a lake home together...this is where we are stuck...he also promised a ring....just keeps pushing it off. Lies with new negoiated dates to come through..the day comes he then pushes it off again. I have stopped talkinf to him. This Thursday he has togive Realtor an answer. Is it better to let him sit and make choice...It seems talking gets me no where..he just tells me what i want to hear without the action.

Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 2 years ago.
I agree with you. Now may be the time to sit back and see if he can show and prove. If you're doing a lot of the work, there is no way of telling if the relationship exists because of you. Allow him to make some moves to show that he is invested. Only then will you know if he is willing to work to keep this relationship alive.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

well then i will do that...he has been texting and emailing...Ive not responded. he just text again " I dont want to live my life without you." But time will tell if it is just words...he is good at them..knowing him he will tell Realtor he will need more time...Her contract with sellers end at the end of the month. she told me she will call him tomorrow and say "send in purchase agreement or else i must send earnest money back"

Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 2 years ago.
It is important that during this time off from the relationship that you have a serious talk with yourself regarding your negotiables and non-negotiables in this relationship. That way when you do speak again you can better advocate for yourself and your wants in needs and ask him to be clear with you what he is and is not able to do so that you can take an honest assessment and figure out what steps you need to take next.
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience: As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
Dr. Tiye and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Well I am back, (hopefully you can read our previous talks to figure out the whole story here) and no he did not purchase the house. The owners took it off the market until spring. I tried to back off, and thought maybe I would get a ring.... at Christmas..New Years...My birthday...Valentines day...but nothing, we have looked...but thats it. He comes to spend every weekend with me as he lives 2 and a half hours away. My intuition told me he was one person with me and like another person away from me. I was able to get into his phone and with the records could see he was talking to his ex like 60 times a month...not as much as me, but alot in my opinion. His ex lives with another man and has some type of commitment ring. Apparently she would call on her to and from drive with work and sometimes I would see text messages from her to him around 10 at night and he would respond. He admitted to meeting her on occasion. He argues he never hated her...Im like well I do not hate my exs either but I do not speak to them twice a day or share daily life. They dont even have kids..where I do! He promises he will not speak and all that but I can see when he is back in the cities monday through friday they are back at it. I sent her a text stating I felt it was inappropriate since she divorced him in 2005 she gave up that right and he is my boyfriend now and she lives with another man who was widowed in 2005. Apparently he has a teenager daughter and she doesnt care too much for her , so she would unload to my boyfriend. Again I pointed out this was inappropriate as well, you can air your dirty laundry to a girlfriend but not your ex. I text her again stating if the meeting and texting and emailing and talking on the phone didnt end I would share the info with her man that she lives with! Well I ended up with egg on my face as she shared that with his sister who dislikes me only because of her alligence to the ex wife and got involved...told Tom I contacted her man that she lives with and spoke with the daughter which is all so untrue. I had told Tom what I said, asked him just stop and let this end, but oh no he cannot because I think he needs approval and acceptance from everyone...well he threw me under the bus and wrote some dumb long email how cruel and mean I am....I am like now wait, if you would quit lying to me, and stop acting like my boyfriend and she moved out from her man and the two of you break up with us...then its cool for the two of you to talk and meet...but they both are not being honest. And are involved with other people meaning myself and her guy Greg. So he left on a fishing trip and stated he needed time to think. I could see he tried calling his ex, but she would not answer and I think she is concerned I may say something to her man (which I have not but have lots of evidence to prove otherwise)..I think it is bothering Tom to not be in her good graces because I am sure she feels betrayed by his confidence or lack there of...I was able to look back to December of 2011 and they talk and carried on regularly like this all along except for two months. Tom and I can get along so well in every aspect of life except for that. I hate to end it because there is so much good. We have the best time together, we cook, we are romantic, he is generous and I to him, he is extremely involved with my world, family and friends, however it is not reciprocated. I know his brother only, his sister refuses to meet me due to the relationship he has with the ex, and her loyalty to her. Ive never been invited to a family event or holiday or ever met his nieces. I rarely see a friend of his from the cities, never to a work event and never to a funeral or anything. If something were to happen to me no one would say much because they hardly know I exist. As I am typing this he just sent a text to me..."You know I do love you" My question does he really? Then why can we not move forward? why all the lies? Why am I refrained from his world up in the cities? I know he will say he will stop...and it may for a week or two, but then he will be right back it. He is to retire this year..bet you never thought this way a 63 year old man! I am 51 and I swear its like being on the playground... Ive never dealt with anyone like this. He was a very successful career man but once he got divorced he seems to have lost the ambition for much in life...I suggested he was depressed...he would deny it. I just do not know what to do...I love him so much, that is the hard part..If we could ever get beyond this foolishness I know we could be good. Maybe she will back off, but its hard when his sibling is against me and he doesnt stick up for me...they think I am a crazy lady..but Im not he just doesnt want to take the fall or stand up and admit his real games...If he wanted he could just stop and he could tell his sister to stay out of it, we are happy...but he doesnt. Its like he has one foot in my door and one toe in hers. Because we are so far apart its hard to do counciling and I am afraid he will just tell them what he thinks they want to hear. Is there any hope for him?? To me its so simple...just stop... but he will not. Ive suggested blocking the phone, to help let time do its thing ...he refuses. So there... Any advice? Should I just back off and see what happens when he retires? It seems he has no plans in place..His ex is worth alot of money and I know he liked the idea of the easier road, but like I said to him she is not wired to be sensual and sexy like myself, And that is huge for him (typical guy who is visual) I know she tries she even colored her hair from brunette to my color blonde.. but it looks silly, she is over weight...so much has happened that I highly doubt it would work for them, since he cant ever leave me alone either. Ive tried speaking to her to resolve this but she refuses... Ive tried offering well lets all be friends...her man, me and them...she refuses. We fight about this all the time since the 1st of the year, he wrote in my Christmas card "2013 will be different for us...including the ring and the house... " so far it is worse... I try to step back but he keeps up all this other stuff and does nothing to move forward...HELP??

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
Hello Its nothing personal, just havent heard anything and thought that maybe she isnt there anymore and someone could access her replies..otherwise I will just wait to hear a response. Thank you! The whole thing is pretty dumb and I know it. :-) Colleen

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Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye
Counselor
46 Satisfied Customers
As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.