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Norman M.
Norman M., Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2547
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.
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I cheated on the love of my life, with a friend i had known

Resolved Question:

I cheated on the love of my life, with a friend i had known for years afterhe told me he loved me and my feelings grew for this friend. I cheated on my boyfriend a couple of days after we had been argueing about our many differences. He cried to me when i mentioned breaking up as i feared we were doomed by our differences (and in back of my mind i was thinking of my friend whom i had grown very fond of). I cheated on him 2 days after i made a promise that I only love him (boyfriend) and that i neverwant to see my boyfriend in that much pain everagain.

I dont know what i was thinking when i caught up with my friend.. i didnt instigate the sex.. but it happened. I have cut this friend out of my life now as requested by my boyfriend.. my boyfriend is considering whether he could evertrust me again. We both love each other immensely but our once pure innocent realtionship is now flawed.. and it breaks my heart that he is in this much pain.. but i have realised that i could never love anyone like him, ever.. not even my friend whom i thoroughly miss even though he was the main reason for my boyfriend and i nearly breaking up)...

My boyfriend is thinking about whether our relationship can be saved, as I am.. but ulotimately i think he is holding the cards because i know trully what i want now - my boyfriend and no one else.

This is so hard..there is so much heart ache :(

can our relationship be saved?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

It think you are on the right track. Your relationship can be saved, as long as you both want that to happen, and are both prepared to work at it. You are right to give him space, but it would help too if you can show him - by your actions, not by words - that you are actively trying to sort yourself out, and that means, in my view, getting some therapy to help you understand why you did what you did, and how you can avoid making the same mistake in future.

For that reason, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Best wishes, NormanM

Norman M., Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2547
Experience: ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.
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Norman M.
Norman M.
Counselor
2547 Satisfied Customers
ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.