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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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My boyfriend had wrote me a letter 20 days ago and left, then

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My boyfriend had wrote me a letter 20 days ago and left, then wrote me a letter after 7 days to apologised , then said for a while he doesnot want to give anything ...then I returned a letter with regret and committment after 3days, then he didn't contact about 7 days, then I wrote a short massege to him to say that I wish him the best 7 days ago , then until now, he didn't contact ...what should I do now?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.Could you give me more details on maybe what led up to this? I will be away from my computer for a while today but will be checking it periodically. Thank you!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX been living with him together about 1 year, and he is much older(60), and I am 38. But he had a really young heart and very positive and energetic. We likes each other from beginning,but he was afraid of relationship committment since he had been divorced for over 20 years ago,because his wife is a play lady and alcoholic. He tried hard to carry on all these by himselves for over 5 years, and felt ashamed to tell anyone, and tried hard to keep the family with two kids.. Eventually he broke up with his wife, and left the home, went to anothet city vy himselves...


 


During the year together, I showed him love and care, he graduatly feel really good with me, see there was a chance to build up a new family. However, sometimes, I lost confidence and criticis his past and children... Especially On this Augest, we both feel stressed, but we haven't talk... He started to complain a lot with his work, the city, the people, the country, and he mentioned his head and ears feel hurt inside... He have high blood pressure...


 


14of augest was my birthday, and he we being nice and invited me for dinner, at that night, I drunk a lot at home, but he said that he was tired.. He complained that i talk too loud on the phone, I was drunk, and said rude things to him, asked hism to leave if he didnot like it... He picked up his things siad that he had enough with everything... But he didn't leave at that night.. I apologised that I was drunk...


 


In the moring, he made me a coffee, and breakfast, and told me he is going to see the doctor which is I suggested... After he was back, he looked so pale and anxious, asked why his blood pressure is so high...


I tried to comfort him ,but he still looked very stressed.. He insisted to drive me to uni, and before we say goodbye, he asked me that he saw a young girl was sitting on the road and looked very upset in the middle of nowhere oneday, he wanted to help, but there was no space to park , he asked what should he do, I answered that he can't do much...


 


After 2 hours, I went back home, he left the key, and a letter on the table with a flower,the letter basiclly said "he had been thinking a lot of about his life, and come to a conclusion that he do need a peace and a chance to think about things carefuuly, he siad that he will go back to see his children (2 adults) and have a rest , and feel about future... He asked me not to be too upset, and he will be kepp in touch, and mentioned the docyor said he needs a new direction, otherwise he won't leave every long...he left, and moved his staff, but left his TV and a t-shirt and a scarf.


 


After 3 days, I tried to contact him, but he wouldn't pick up my phone, I was so worried, and called his children..I sent him an email to tell him I was so worried and My world was going to clash and he was so important...He returned me an sms siad that he didn't appreciate that I call his children becasuse he is not staying with them , and he needs time for himself, and that is what he is doing, he has no intention to coame back the city I am liveing, and I have to continue my study without him, he feel sorry, but wish me the best, XXXXX XXXXX be off the air for one month...I retuned his message siad that I was sorrry to call his children , and wish he has a good time in this one month...


 


After 3 days later, he sant me a long email as following;


",,Dear Yun Yan, Firstly let me say im sorry to hurt and disapoint you by my actions it will take me some time to sort through my thoughts and feelings..you see unlike you I am often wondering what i am supposed to be(manager,employee,friend,lover,father.grandfather,supporter,business
entrepenre,buddhist) and as im trying to fill all those roles suddenly
it becomes overwhelming,and I wonder who really listens to me and also who really cares about what I say or do in this world..everyone wants something,,

But for awhile I dont want to give anything.

You have every right to expect a future with a family and children of
your own I must say again that it wasnt in my plans and if you recall
not long after we met I told you this..it doesnt mean that i dont like
or respect you,or that I havnt appreciated your company and
conversations and enjoyable times and for you just being yourself..

Its just that with an existing family even a disjointed one it seems
that if I then had another one again it becomes more extended,,more
responsibilities ,,also stephanie will be having another child in
September , so you see there is another fact that I withheld to myself
as I knew your expressed dislike and disdain for her,even though you had never met .

There have been times when your opinions on what families and family life should look like have made me feel as an abject failure but I know that Ive tried hard to maintain a good relationship with my kids over the years,and also with my siblings well most of them..

As to the immediate future for me I dont want to do much for awhile but for you its really important that you continue to focus on your studies and complete the year ..Yun Yan I want you to put aside your feelings and emotions and concentrate on what you do best,,I know that you can use your abundant intelligence to continue and complete your course I will be there to watch you graduate...
Love Always ..warwick'


 


I was very emotional, afraid to lose him, then I sent a email after 3days as following:


Dear Warwick,


 


Firstly, thank you for your letter and tell me how you feel about things.


 


 


Everyone wonders, I am always wondering as well (a student, a worker, a Chinese, an Australian, a migrant, a Buddhist, a lover..) Many people will care about what you think, what you say and what you do…just like you always tell me… especially me, I care about you….In my mind, I believe, in a lot of people’s mind, you are strong and positive, you may not often express what you want and feel, I love to listen to you…. I thought I had showed you some, maybe sometimes, I am not sensitive enough to sense your real feelings, I feel sorry….


 


Thank you for telling me how do you feel, and I felt I am so sorry to make you feel bad about things…..….I am so sorry…..There might be a cultural expression difference, I am learning,,,,, from the phone, your daughter sounds like you,,, sharp, positive and lovely… I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX will be having a lovely and healthy baby soon…


 


About family, you see that I had a superficial family before, which had brought me suffering, I deeply realise that happy together is much more important than a rigid family. My real expectation is to share and spend meaningful time with someone, but not to find a family, if I do, I should have already searching, yes? I have decided to be with someone to enjoy, share and learn together, but not a so called “family”, Family is when we are happy, we can share, when we are tired, we can turn into….Peacefully and happily stay together is already family….Actually, long time ago, I have decided to have a life from my heart, to be with the person I really want to be, sharing and helping each other. You don’t have to have pressure about extension of a family, I am happy to be with you, if you feel happy with your existing family, I am happy too, I believe your children are nice people, you see that I can make friends, yes, as you know deep inside I am an open and accepting person….


 


 


I appreciate your care, respect and support. I actually always feel sorry that I couldn’t support you more during the period of studying…I am recently feeling guilty and sad. This is not negative temporary emotions, this is deep inside my reflection about myself. I realise that I could easily hurt people’s feeling by my speech, action even expression, and I am not sensitive enough to sense people’s real feelings, and I am not kind…..


 


I am not in Canberra now since we know that place made us stucked, The environment there can easily made people depressed…Warwick, it’s hard for me to put aside everything to concentrate on study now (those abstract studies)…We have shared life about one year, we all need encouragement and understanding now, then we could become more relaxed…I feel we don’t have major conflicts, we might have some misunderstandings, for any human relations, misunderstanding is normal, the deep quality is more important …we actually tried to support each other if I carefully think about it… For one more time,, we may encourage each other better than upset by ourselves…


 


I wonder if we could meet in a place we both feel more relaxed, see how we feel about things,,,, our thoughts are connected….Warwick, I want to listen to you….if I could…and as same, you may want to listen to me…."


 


He didn't reply for a long time, I called him used public phone after 6 days, he didn;t pick up...Then I sent a short emai after 3 days as "Dear Warwick,I am continuing my study now. I know you will be fine wherever you are. As you wish me the best, XXXXX XXXXX for you too.
Love always,
Yunyan"


 


It has been past 7 days, and no any reply... I am worried that I have lost him, or should I sent him another email... like"


Hi, Warwick,


 


How are you…. Wish you have a more relaxed time in your holiday..


 


 


I have just finished my mid-term exams yesterday, and I feel not too bad…A lot of study at this last semester. I understand it is important for me to complete with my course, and I appreciate people include you wish me successfully graduate this year…


 


The mid-term holiday has started; I am going to join a study group with Umn and David and will also join some holiday relaxation programs with some friends…


 


Things will be going well….I will take care of myself, and wish you take good care of yourself during this period…


 


Yunyan"


I would be grateful if you could give me some advices, I love him, and donot want lose him, but he is not communicating, what shoul I do...


 


By the way, he is a very free spirit, advantuous, direct, kind, positive but suppress his feelings, self centred, easy to feel guilty, impulsive, impatient, disciplined, like challenge and actions, donot like analyse..I am a more analytical, spiriyual, romantic, gentle, but self centred as well...


 


We did a lot of meanful things together, travelling, cooking, spiritually practice, learning buddhism,,, discussing different topics, helping others,,,learning new skills...But I do showed him I am demanding, criticise and sometimes control his wishes a bit uncounsiously...I am in the foreigh country by myself, he knows I need suoport, and he did a lot, I appreciate... And I did tell him a lot of my cullture, philisophy ....


 


 


 


 


 


 


 

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.

Aniya,

 

I really am sorry to see you are hurting so deeply. It appears that you care very deeply for this gentleman. It also appears to me though that he is hurting, confused and searching.

 

I wish I could give you a solution that would bring him back to you, but I can't. He has asked that you give him space and I believe you need to respect his wishes. I know you want so badly to convince him to return to you and you feel that would be the most beneficial move for him. I might even agree with you that that might be the best move for him. The fact is though, what we think is not what counts. He has asked for privacy and that privacy should be granted him.

 

That said, I believe you have a couple of options for yourself. One, you do as he says. You focus on your studies and give him time to come around to you. He said he would see you at your graduation. I am not sure what that means. It may mean that by that time, he will be ready to re-connect, or it may just mean he cares enough for you, he will support you by attending your graduation and nothing more than that. you could basically wait and see.

 

Secondly, you could apply yourself to your studies, consider this relation likely over, and seek romance elsewhere. That does not meant you give up all hope necessarily, but you do not put your life on hold in hopes of something that may never develop. it may be that when and if he becomes available again, you will available at that given time as well. Only destiny can tell.

 

I cannot tell you which is your best path. Only you can determine what might be best for you. This I can say though, pursuing him at this time is likely not a good choice. If you pursue him, you will likely only push him away. Your best chance at any relationship with him is to allow him to make the next if any move.

 

I hope that was helpful. I wish I could have given you more positive information, but this seems to bee basically where you are. Let me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

 

Thank you!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

The last email I have sent to him is like " I am continuing my study now, and I know you will be fine whereever you are....as you wish me the best, XXXXX XXXXX you the best too.." Do you think this is a bit like"break up" message?This is a week ago..


 


So, Should I sent him an email something like.... "


Hi, Warwick,


 


How are you…. Wish you have a more relaxed time in your holiday..


 


 


I have just finished my mid-term exams yesterday, and I feel not too bad…A lot of study at this last semester. I understand it is important for me to complete with my course, and I appreciate people include you wish me successfully graduate this year…


 


The mid-term holiday has started; I am going to join a study group with Umn and David and will also join some holiday relaxation programs with some friends…


 


Things will be going well….I will take care of myself, and wish you take good care of yourself during this period…


 


Yunyan"

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
If you feel that you need to clarify yourself, that would be ok. Honestly, if you plan to wait on him, you might go ahead and clarify something to the effect of, "My studies are going well. I hope all Is going well with you. I hope you are getting the rest you were hoping for. I look forward to seeing you soon.". I am not saying that is exactly what you should put, but Keep it kind of short and To the point.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.


Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX do have a impulsive thought to find him and talk to him face by face, I am not sure if he is playing a mental game with me at this stage ...

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
I hope that is not what he is doing. Either way, your best hope at any enduring relationship is to give Hume the space he desires. Maybe make that one past approach we mentioned, but then leave the ball in his court. If you pursue him too hard you are likely only driving away. I hope I have been helpful To you. If I have, would you do me a kind favor and leave positive feedback at the prompting? This is the only way I am compensated. For my time. Thank you!
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 2 years ago.
Aniya,

Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC

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