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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am in a relationship for 3 + years. it has been in turmoil

Customer Question

I am in a relationship for 3 + years. it has been in turmoil at least 3/4 of the time, he lives 45min. away and i have a very taxing job that requires alot of time . i own my bus. and the building , i also have a huge yard and huge house that needs up keep. We first got together and i told him that i wasnt keen on dating so far away , he said he would do the driving just to see and be with me, in the last year he has bocked at the driving and insist on me coming there more , i tried but my long hrs arnt condusive to the comute .we have talked about the possibility of living together when our kids are out the house and that he would relocate to my town, which wont be for at least another yr. or so.So right now we pretty much just get the weekends, which is hard, because our connection isnt real or enough to really get to involve in each others lives.He does alot of complaining that it isnt enough, that i dont love him because i dont drive there to see him and we spend most of the weekend fighting trying to get back in the grove of each other. The other huge problem we have is that in the 3 yrs of our relationship, everytime we fight he gets so angry he leaves my house in a huff and breaks up with me,the fights might not even be anything substantial? but lately he nags about everything that i do not do, i take too long in the bathroom, i dont sleep naked, i dont rub his back anymore, i dont run for the door and greet him good enough, i dont like to swim, i dont go to his house there for i dont like his friends?????? etc. etc. and behind all of these things he adds the statement that im not into him ,or im not in love with him enough. I have had a real hard time connecting with him in the sence that when he breaks it off , which i might add has been about 15+ times he blames it on me cuz of those reason because i dont love him and he also thinks that because i dont chase him there for i dont love him?another thing i need to add is that he hasnt had a job only about the first year of our rlationship and he is on L&I and isnt working for the past year, lots of idle time, he sleeps till noon and stays up till midnight , i cant do those hrs, so we fight about that.I have never been in such a negative relationship before but everytime we breakup he spins it back on me and wants back in and belittles me by making me feel like its my fault. I just dont feel like i can trust him enough with my heart to let him in because he runs, there for i dont love probably to my potential, for fear, but i cant get him to understand, that love for me is when i trsut in us.am i crazy , we ar broke up right now and he says if i loved him i would do all those thing?I dont think there will be any end to this behavior HELP
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

You are in a good position right now: broken up.

You described a completely dysfunctional relationship in which the main activity seems to be turmoil. You are the giver and he is the taker, and nothing is good enough for him. He does not seem to love you, and you are not his precious one, and probably never will be.

He doesn't give you reason to trust in this relationship because he does not treat you (and hence the relationship) as valuable or important

I canno t see any valid reason for continue this relationship which only lumbers on from habit and not having anything else to do at the moment. I completely agree with you, that there will be no end to his negative behavior, and your life will never be settled or peaceful with him.

It is possible to have a relationship in which the man and woman adore each other, speak gently, support, and fulfill each other. This relationship will never be that way. I believe that you could have a relationship of that caliber with another man, but not with this man who does not have the maturity nor disposition to be your partner.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I totally agree with what you say but he insist on getting back together, i do love him and would like it to , one of his 1 of his main gripes is that I don't do anything that he wants me to do there for I'm selfish, if I don't swim, dont drive down south for the weekend, or don't sleep in the nude, does that make me selfish and not giving in a relationhship? Im not sure I have the words to describe what love is???? When he down talks me he spins it back at me and turns it into my fault, for instance, he asked me a question about the cable guy coming I started telling him , he butted in and said that was not the question I asked you, as if he was speaking

to a kid? I said that I was explaing to him and he got rude then I got mad also, thats generally how it goes ,
I have agreed to meet with him but I have not given him a time, I just know it will be another turmoil event,

I need to have some tools to talk to him if I stay or if I
go?
I also need to have a true meaning of love? If I were to try to work on the relationship do you have any tools or advice? One other huge fight that seems ti happen is that after and outing we come home and me to long in the bathroom or some other little that start a fight, he refers to me starting the fight to get out of sex? Sorry I could go on and on, help


Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Sheryl.

What is love? It is more than just a feeling of strong attraction, as those feelings come and go much like you get hungry for a meal. It is more than lust, for those feelings can be satisfied with sex, but then, what is left?

What is left is love IF: your partner is kind to you; if he speaks gently to you; if he respects you for who you are and loves who you are; if he trusts you and doesn't question everything you do; if he is patient with you when you are in the bathroom or doing something you need to do, he doesn't expect you to act like his slave or his empolyee or some lesser person - your life and needs are just as important as his. He loves you if he never yells at you, does not belittle you, does not complain to you, accepts who for who you are. If if wants a swimmer let him go to Sea World and make a date with Dolly the Dolphin, although she wouldn't put up with his attempts to dominate her.

If you want the best tool in the world for learning how to deal with this man, if you cannot just break it off with him on your own, then I STRONGLY urge you to buy this book,. It is available at www.amazon.com and and elsewhere. You don't have to be married to break up with someone. Here is the link which you can copy and paste into your browser and go right to the site.

http://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346862298&sr=8-1&keywords=Splitting

The book is called:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy LCSW JD

I understand how difficult it is for you to get out of this relationship. This book will explain a lot to you and give you the tools you need to manage and regain your own personal power.

I will keep you in my prayers.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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