How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask SLREED Your Own Question

SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
SLREED is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Please help, I cant recover from my live in boyfriends aff

This answer was rated:

Please help, I cant recover from my live in boyfriends affair.  We have been together for over a year and a half and both have children from previous marriages.  I found out after catching and cornering my boyfriend that he has engaged in a 4 week affair with his exwife.  I am fully aware that neither my boyfriend or his exwife wants to be together but I think they were both needing attention in some way.  He is now begging to be forgiven and promises to never stray again but I am having such a hard time putting this behind us.  I love him so very much and I want to move forward and share our future together but how am I able to not resent him?  Should I assume that since he had done this once that he will continue?  His exwife hates me so I am positive she will pursue him again if nothing more than to attempt to ruin our relationship.  This hurts so terribly and so deeply and just wish to turn back time so my boyfriend wouldnt have been so stupid and weak.  Problem is just getting worse for me because everytime I close my eyes all I do is think of his deception and the two of them together.  Is this worth saving after a year and a half or do I walk away?

The only person that can really determine if you want to save the relationship is you. However, I will try to put things into perspective for you so you can make the right decision.

First I will say that just because a person cheats, that does not always mean that he may do it again. The main thing that it comes to when trying to save your relationship, is whether you trust him or not. And weather you believe him or not.

If you do not currently or think that you can ever trust them, then the relationship will not work because in your mind he is always doing something wrong, or you will resort back to the affair. One way to begin to gain trust again is that when he says that he will not do it again, you have to believe him. Now if he says that he will not do it again and then does do it again, then trust may never be regained. However, if you can try to believe him now, then that is a way to begin to regain your trust with him.

Secondly, as far as if ex wife trying to win him back. I think that this goes back to trusting him. Because regardless of what she tries to do, you should have enough trust in your boyfriend, which he is not going to cheat on you again, no matter what advances that he has from his ex-wife. That is the meaning of being able to fully trust someone again. That no matter what situation they are faced with, they will do what is in the best interest of your relationship.

If you love him and you want to move forward with him, you are going to have to forgive his affair. Because of you don’t fully forgive him. You are going to re-live it in your mind, and continue to think about what he did. When you find yourself in that place, your relationship with not move forward because you will find yourself making him pay for cheating time and time again, as oppose to moving forward in your relationship.

In short, the option is up to you. If you feel like you want to go on this relationship, you cannot continue to re-live the affair through your thoughts. You have to make a conscious decision that when these thoughts come to your head not to think about them. You have to make a decision to trust him again, until he gives you another reason not to.

If after this, you do not feel that you can trust your boyfriend again or ever forgive him of the affair, then no matter how much you try there will be no moving on from his. Because living in the affair, like you are, is allowing it to hurt you again and again, even though he is not actually having the affair. Now is the time to focus on you two, and doing things together to rebuild your relationship, and falling in love with each other again.
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
SLREED and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
I was more than happy to assist you in your question. In the future if you need assistance with this question or any other relationship question, feel free to asked. To direct the question specifically to me, put SLREED before the question, and I will be sure to answer.


JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Previous | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX

Meet The Experts:

  • Kate McCoy

    Kate McCoy


    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
< Last | Next >
  • Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy


    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist


    Satisfied Customers:

    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • Ms Chase's Avatar

    Ms Chase

    Life Coach

    Satisfied Customers:

    Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues
  • Alicia_MSW's Avatar



    Satisfied Customers:

    Specializing in relationship/family counseling
  • Dr. Norman Brown's Avatar

    Dr. Norman Brown

    Marriage Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
  • Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L


    Satisfied Customers:

    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • Suzanne's Avatar


    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

Related Relationship Questions