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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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My husband and I got almost ten years ago. We both are early

Customer Question

My husband and I got almost ten years ago. We both are early professionals. I found out early in the marriage-within 6 months- that he had been cheating. He talked me into going to counseling and we did that for about 6 months. I stayed because I found out that I was pregnant and wanted to work things out. I found out that he was cheating again with a different women about 3 years after the birth of my son. I still stayed, but refused to do a second counseling period with him. I moved out after 4 years of finding out about that affair. We have been separated for about 16 months. I have talked until I am blue in the face. I have bee nice, not chased him, and frequently have asked him if this is what he really wants. He won't sign the divorce papers, but still is very involved with this second affair. I cannot believe this is happening. We had a prenuptial, but still he refuses to speak about the divorce, change, or just do anything. He frequently acts as if nothing is really wrong. We get along fine for our son. The problem is I am still very much in love, and believe in family. Even though I have filed for divorce, should I be reading into any of his delays?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

hi


 

CoachJenK :

I think his delays are about he wants his cake and to eat it too. I dont doubt his love for you but his infidelity over and over again is an issue within him that he needs to work on


 

Customer:

Hello Jen


 

CoachJenK :

it is no longer a couples issue but rather an individual one and one that he needs treatment for.


 

Customer:

I am a nurse and he is a physician. After I did the first counseling session, i refused to go to the second one. He felt that I walked out on him. I cannot understand why he is still delaying the divorce.


 

CoachJenK :

I think that was a crafty response from him and blaming you is not the way to go.


 

CoachJenK :

I am sure he wants to remain married but hasn't yet made the decision to be faithful.


 

CoachJenK :

but both things cannot exist...if he wants the marriage then he needs to work on his issues and that really needs to happen in his own therapy without you there.


 

Customer:

Is this emotionally unhealthy to keep wanting my family back, or should I just give up all hope.


 

CoachJenK :

It is hope and that is normal and nobody can fault you for that. Is it unhealthy for you? If it keeps bringing you pain then yes it is damaging to your emotional health. I think there could be signs for hope if he didnt blame you and got into treatment on his own.


 

CoachJenK :

men cheat because of their own issues and not because something is lacking within you


 

Customer:

I found out that he cheated before we were married, right after we were married, and then this second affair. She is living with him off and on . He states that I should not have left. I am not very nice at this point. How can I move on without analyzing everything.


 

CoachJenK :

I must say each time you write what he says to you or blames you for, I have a strong reaction....I believe his narcissism is quite high.


 

CoachJenK :

I think in time as you heal you will analyze less...but it takes time and you might consider therapy for yourself now so you can heal and focus on you.


 

CoachJenK :

its your fault that he is living with her because you left? That is just ludicrous....he has not taken responsibility for his behavior and that is problematic....he has a woman in front of him...you, who has stayed and been willing to do what you can to make it work, but you cannot do it alone.


 

CoachJenK :

this is not your fault about you leaving or not staying in therapy with him....this is poor choices and bahvior from him.


 

Customer:

The first counselor stated that I was with a narcissist. Do they every really change, hit rock bottom? What is the best thing that I can do to not to feed this person.


 

CoachJenK :

well then I am in good company with the therapist. do they make changes? possibly but only until they feel they need to do work and he clearly does not believe that.


 

CoachJenK :

you feed him every time you allow his behavior to continue or let him blame you for his choices.


 

CoachJenK :

it will always be everyone elses fault with a narcissist...thats just the nature of it.


 

CoachJenK :

here is an interesting website and book http://narcissistanddivorce.com/


 

Customer:

Does asking for the divorce to proceed make a difference. I cannot seem to get him completely out of my life. We have a son, and need to frequently discuss his emotional issues. (He is ADHD, OCD, and etc.) I cant really give him the the total silent treatment. I am not sure if I should drop the divorce issue and wait until the 2 full years of separation are up according to PA law. I dont want him to feel that he is controlling everything.


 

Customer:

Thanks for the website


 

CoachJenK :

I think you need to figure out what is going to allow you to heal best...proceed now or waiting. you will always be tied because of your Son and his needs but you can still separate yourself from him and only focus on your son. does that make sense?


 

Customer:

It does. One last question. He feels that we should talk every evening concerning our son. He also talks to our son. It is so painful for me to call when my son is with him, because I know she is there. I cannot tell if he is trying to keep us connected because of our son, or if he gets off from talking to me in front of her and vice versa. Do you think it is bad if I do not call every night, especially on the week-ends that he had him. Lately I limit the conversation to my son, I frequently find that he asks about our day, what we did, and then it is a conversation....


 

CoachJenK :

I think it is absolutely okay that you do not speak to him daily...it is his way of hanging on. If there is something that needs to be talked about in reference to your son then so be it, but I dont see that need every evening. I can imagine how very painful it is. He has really done a number on you and continues to put you in painful experiences.


 

CoachJenK :

Rely on your lawyers as well to get you through the legal aspect of things.


 

Customer:

Thank you.

CoachJenK :

he can also email you of there is something that needs to be addressed.


 

CoachJenK :

Please take a moment to click on the rating tab to offer a rating of my work. That is the only way I am credited for my work.


 

Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1745
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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