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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi Elliot The dinner went as planned. It was a lovely evening

Resolved Question:

Hi Elliot
The dinner went as planned. It was a lovely evening in a high class restaurant. By the end of the evening, she did not mention anything. I closed by telling her it was time for us to leave.

When we walked outside the restaurant, I noticed she had the ring box in her hand. We got into the car and she had a huge smile on her face. She moved close and asked me to take us to a nearby location. It was where we had a deep conversation after our first date, about 12 years prior.

She went on to tell me how far we had come as a couple. It appeared she was going to accept. When driving there, I said, "This makes me a bit nervous", She said, "I can't always be predictable". However, she ended by saying she is not ready for commitment, that she loved me, but was not in love with me. I accepted her decision and we had a productive positive talk for about 2-3hours, before I drover her home. She handed me back the ring.

I asked to use her bathroom, prior to leaving her home, after dropping her off. Without going into to much detail, I left her house about 3-4 hours later. (sex) When I left she said, "See you later". I said, "OK", she said, how about Monday.

I called her the next day, stating that we still needed to discuss some things. She agreed. The next day, Sunday, she texted asking me to meet her at her house. When I arrived she was all over me. She said she had not "Come down from Friday night". She further said, she had changed her mind and now accepted my proposal. I asked a number of times and she stated she was sure.

However, she said she needed time, between a month or two. I agreed. We had a further discussion about the other involved party, the male she dated. I had to force the issue, however she admitted to having sex with him about a month prior. I think this was the 2 week period that she told me she needed a break from him and me. I did not react to this news, but it cut to the bone. Remember this was the same person I caught with his arm around her in the street about the same time. However, she said it was not good, and it was only once. She asked me not to tell anybody about her accepting, which I told her was not fair.

The next day, Monday, I spoke with her. I told her I could not give her time, I told her a week was my maximum. I also asked her about our status, are we engaged? She said, "I don't know what our status is. But we agreed that a week was a good compromise. I also said, "What do I do with the ring". She said, "Hold onto it".

Today I called her. The call was good, but I pushed the issue, asking could I expect next Saturday to be positive. Because I had told her that I was going to recreate the original proposal, seeing as she had accepted. She shocked me by saying, don't pressure me, I wont' be forced to do something I don't want to do. She further said, "You might not get the answer that you want Saturday". I said, but you have said yes, I am just recreating the moment. She mentioned she is very busy this week and then abruptly ended the call.

I was shattered again. I was at work and the rest of the day was terrible.

After thoughts of ending everything, I called her. I told her my love for her was that great, that if she wanted more time, I will give her whatever time she wants. She said, "That means a lot to me, I can't ask for any more than that". I ended by saying, "I love you". She was at her parents, but she also sad, "I love you".

Have I done the right thing and have I given her more time to spend more time with the other person, giving him a free shot at her, with me out the picture? I told her that when she knows for certain, I want to be told immediately. Elliot, I know it may be soft of me, but if I forced the issued in a week, I would always have wondered what if? At least she can't say I forced her or pressured her. What do you think?

This is so confusing and frustrating. I know she has another involved party, but the mixed signals and changing her mind from day to day is a concern. A mate suggested menapause. I can't work her out?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear XXXXX,

You sure have been riding the bucking bronco, and hanging on like a champion. You couldn't have done more in demonstrating your love for her, or your gentle nature or strong character.

She does not have your strength and still doesn't realise that she cannot have things both ways. She is inadvertently playing a dangerous game and is willing to take a chance on losing you by not committing wholeheartedly. She loves you but she has feelings for the other person too.

If you break up with her, then you will never know, as you implied. If you stay with her and she accepts, will this incident haunt you and leave your relationship damaged or will you both be able to leave it in the past (where it would belong)?

I can imagine the incredible heartache and anxiety that you are feeling over this, and admire your courage to go on.

Rather than a stated and set time limit, which puts pressure on her and which pushes her away, I suggest you put a limit on your own endurance and patience.

You don't know if the other man has proposed or if he is just a wild fling that she cannot get out of her system, and is unable to quit because she is so enamored of him. If you force her hand, she may never "forgive" you. She has to give him up of her own volition.

You do not have to propose to her again, or replay your previous proposal. I believe that you should no longer discuss marriage with her. She knows where you stand, or where you stood. I believe the ball should be in her court. Take a step backwards, and let her come to you. If she really wants you, and just doesn't want to make a decision, let her propose to you.

As long as she can have you whenever she wants you, she has nothing to lose. If you back off by not proposing (but otherwise continuing the romance), the pressure on her will become internal and she cannot say that you are trying to force her hand.

If she really wants you and feels you are slipping away, then she will hold on to you. You don't want anything less than her full commitment. If she lets you slip away, then you know that the relationship did not have the glue to hold it together.

This is a tough one for you, James. At a certain point, if she does not come around, your enthusiasm will naturally fall away.

All the cards are on the table and it is really her move. She has to play or fold. I am sorry it is not so clear-cut, but she she just doesn't have the level of maturity and character that you do, and you have to accept that if you want to continue to be with her, or just let her fade away.

I wish I could help you more, but you have done well and now you have to let it unfold, and bear with it, or not,.

I wish you great success,


Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear XXXXX,

Thank you for accepting my answer. I do hope that she comes to her senses and realises what a great prize you are. You are an exceptionally good man.


Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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