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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I started talking with a woman online back in early June.

Customer Question

I started talking with a woman online back in early June. She is in Europe and I'm in the USA. I'm 52 and she is 33, but she claimed not to mind the age difference. We grew closer over time and the conversation even turned intimate. She is divorced with a teen-aged son.

We started talking about meeting and in late July I told her I could come visit her in at the beginning of September. She seemed really happy about it and the plan was set. I had to work extra hours every day for over a month and spend a few thousand dollars, but it was worth it to me. I was falling in love with her.

There were some odd things before the trip though. We communicated via email, skype, and sms texting. But occasionally she would seem to disappear for days at a time. The last time I had a response from her phone was August 18th. When I asked about it, she would say she was with her son and didn't want him knowing about me yet. OK.

The day I was heading for the airport, she emailed me that her ex had been in a car accident and her son would be with her. I asked her if she wanted me to cancel the trip, but she said 'no' that she would just be delayed. Instead of picking me up at the airport, she would meet me at the hotel on Monday. OK. I was trying to be understanding in a bad situation. I arrived Sunday at 1PM and got a ride to my hotel.

On Monday, she didn't show up until 4PM. It turned out she had worked that day, though I had thought she was taking the week off. She stayed a mere 2 hours. She took a shower. Sat in a chair for nearly the whole time. She hardly spoke. Her english isn't that good, but it's not that bad either. She didn't respond to my touches. I didn't want to be too aggressive, just touching her hands and rubbing her feet. The girl was in a towel for God's sake. After 2 hours, she abruptly got up, got dressed and said she was going. I begged her not to go. I had so much invested. I had no reason to be in this country except to be with her. She got onto my laptop and sent an email to someone arranging to take Tuesday off. She said she would return Tuesday morning at 8AM.

It's now almost noon. She hasn't shown. She also has sent no emails or skype messages. When I try calling her phone (the one that I've received nothing from in a couple of weeks) all I get is a recording in a foreign language. I've sent messages asking her to at least be fair with me and let me know we are over (already) so I can try to arrange an early flight home. My return flight isn't until Friday and I can't think of a worse form of torture right now than having to stay here alone that long.

Something could have happened to her, but I doubt it. I suspect I've just been very rudely and cowardly dumped. But that's not the same as knowing, of course. She never gave me an address, but would I really want to hunt her down if she is brushing me off? What to do?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.
T think, to be honest, tghat you have answered your own question . She has abused you, certainly, and it does look as if she is not genuinely interested in you.

In you shoes, I would cut my losses, enjoy a cople of days sightseein g and then move on.

To me, se does not seem worth pursuing.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Since I asked for a more in depth answer, I'd hoped for more of an analysis of the issues. (I wrote a lot.) He gave no advice whether to just go home or not. It also doesn't help that this short answer is full of misspellings. It doesn't really make me think he gave it much thought.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on here than she is telling you. Disappearing for days, not returning texts, then only seeing you for a couple of hours after you did all of that work and took time to fly to see her is definitely an odd reaction on her part. Her energy and interest is not meeting the level of work or interest you have in the relationship.

There could be a number of reasons why she is acting this way. One, she could be extremely shy and did not realize that this might turn into a serious relationship. Two, she has another motivation for starting the relationship and when you became serious, she backed off or three, she has lost interest or four she is married and has a family and doesn't want you to know.

No matter her reason, though, how she is reacting to you and your visit is giving you little choice but to assume that she is not interested. You cannot keep the relationship going if it is one sided. And with her not responding to you and cutting off contact, it is one sided. Plus, she has not given you any personal information so you can find her except through email and phone so you have no way to contact her, another very odd behavior on her part.

At this point, you will need to begin thinking of what is in your best interest. Staying is only going to hurt you and you may end up waiting out the whole week for nothing. That is only going to upset you. If she wanted you to stay, she would have contacted you by now. So it's probably best that you go home. That way, you can at least be on familiar ground and consider your next move with the relationship. At this point though, unless she contacts you and can explain what happened, there is not much to go on.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Tuesday was the day she no-showed. I tried to get an early flight back and the helpful people at Expedia would have accomodated me for a little over an additional $3,000 so to my joy I had to stay until Friday. (I leave in 2 hours.)


 


Since I was stuck here, I kept trying to contact her. Skype and Yahoo email had been the way we had been communicating before, but I got no response. On Thursday night, I had the idea of using Skype to message to her cell phone. I finally got an email response:


 


sorry. my ex die monday night. that happend. my son is verry bad. i need to be wt him. was bad luck for us. pls forgive me.


 


I sent a reply asking if I could see her, even briefly, before I had to go home, but the silence has returned.


 


I have had instances in the past where I didn't know when to quit on people. I've thought I was being understanding during a rough spot when it was actually someone who didn't have the fortitude to tell me they had just lost interest. Is this one of those times?


 


Should I be understanding of what's going on with her or should I decide that even though this girl stayed in contact with me for 3 months (including several video chats where we had seen each other) and encouraged me to come to Europe to be with her for a week, she decided in one 2-hour meeting that she "just wasn't that into me?"


 


I'd love to know the truth, but I will settle for some thoughtful advice.


 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I just got home after the 20 hour trip from over there. She has still not responded to any of my emails or skype messages. I did some checking with the resources I have at home that she has been working and chatting with other people all week. Not only did she screw me over, but she's scarcely making any effort to conceal it.


 


I think I can safely say I've never been burned this badly by anyone before (and I've been burned a few times).


 


What's weird is that this didn't profit her anything. It just cost me. And this is someone I've been nothing but good to.


 


Obviously we're not Facebook friends anymore... LOL


 


It's going to take a while to get over this one and trust someone again. I'm thinking no more girls overseas.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
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