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Dr. Tiye
Dr. Tiye, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 46
Experience:  As a Clinical Psychologist since 2002, I have conducted couples therapy and led relationship groups.
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Dating an older man in his 40s Hi, Im a 25 year old

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Dating an older man in his 40s

Hi,

I'm a 25 year old woman, and I recently fell in love with an 15 year older man. He is a partner the firm I just joined after finishing my studies, and we had long kept a good eye to each other. Due to the circumstances, I didn't explore my interest for him when he took the initiative. In July this year, it was time for him to move abroad. I finally agree to have dinner with him, and the fireworks started. Two days later, we were on each our continent. Never before have I felt this way about someone, and the newfound love was mutually strong. A long distance relationship started - and we are now in month 2. Everything is wonderful, and I cherish every moment we have together.

My question is regarding the sexlife. Due to the distance, we only have sex every 3rd week or so, and then often intensly for the whole week end. Our chemistry is good, and our communication open. But I still feel there are some concerns of mine that is better left unspoken. For starters, I think my apetite for sex might me bigger than his. Even though not very evident yet, I think he gets tired faster than the younger partners I've had, and need more time to recover in general. The three weekends we've had together, he has been really enthustiastic, meaning 3 times + a day. According to him, this rarely happens to him, so I assume it will pass. All my previous partners have had great appetite for sex, so if it proves to be a mismatch, how should i do about it? Should I just take more initiative, but in a way so he doesn't feel pressured?

Second, I know men are undergoing changes in their sexuality thoughout life. How can I adjust to be a great lover for him? There are a hole set of 'challenges' I have not encountered before. For example, it may take more time for him to get an erection, and when having one, he may loose it again. For all men, this is a touchy field, so how can I make it most comfortable for him?

Thirdly, I'm not fully satisfied. He is amazing, really attentionate, playful, he turns me on and he is really good at going down on me. And he does it allot! But our intercourses are shorter than i wished, and I feel that I can't move and act freely before he ejaculates/sometimes loses his erection.

I do not want to put any pressure on him or make him uncomfortable, rather increase his pleasure and gain more knowledge to improve our sexlife further.

Thanks in advance for answering,
Best from Michelle
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
A lot of compromises during sex are simply resolved through communication. Without telling him about the frustration when he loses his erection, nothing is off limits. If you are go grow as a couple you have to find tactful ways to express some things you would like to change. My favorite guide for this purpose is Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. This addresses gender differences and differences in sexual styles. You should show as much initiative as you are comfortable with. If you are tactful you may get many of these issues resolved. Just keep this in "I" phrases like I would really like to try something new over blaming him. You have to keep in mind that a person's sexual appetite can be anything at any time. Your appetite and his may differ and you will need to respect the difference. It is okay to offer to try new things or bring adventure to the relationship. Be patient and approach this carefully and you may really change the way he enjoys sex.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi again,


 


Thank you for your reply, but it was not exactly what I was looking for. I AM trying to be tactful, hence my request for advise. If you could tell me a little more about how men's sexual health, behaviors and desire changes in their 40s, I hope and think I'll be able to understand him more, and take actions in a subtle way.


 


And our sexlife is currently great, I also mentioned that the communication is good above. But as I've always been with men around my age, I find the three points mentioned in the above question something that differs from my earlier experience. By expanding my knowledge in these areas, I think will make me more confident, understanding and explore the challenges in better ways.


 


Thanks in advance,


Michelle.

Expert:  Dr. Tiye replied 1 year ago.

Hi Michelle,

Your experience with your new lover is quite common in many of the couples that I have worked with that have similar spans of ages. In some cases 15 years is not a big difference sexually for, lets say a 45 year old woman and a 60 year old man, however when the difference is between a 25 year old woman and and a 40 year old man it can be a big deal....especially if your sexual appetite has been built with men closer to your age who may have more stamina and other differences that occur between a 25 and 40 year old man that can effect his sex life i.e. less life stress, more time, more energy, less pass relationship baggage...... Although it is going to be important for you to show and tell him what you like sexually, it is also important for you to evaluate your true wants and needs and examine the benefits that come with dating an older man.....is there less drama, more financial stability, more interesting conversations, more wisdom, interesting experiences and perspectives? At the end of the day, how do these things measure up? Many would say those things are secondary to good sex, however many more might say I don't want to lose those other things I value in him so I'm okay with just okay sex.... You are the ultimate judge but keep in mind...you said you're in love, that sounds like a pretty big deal and I wonder if the younger guys were able to make you fall in love so quickly and deeply. This guy really must be doing something right that you like a lot, continue to enjoy and value those things about him.

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