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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hi Kate..

Customer Question

Hi Kate..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Ok, I got it. I hope your night goes quickly.

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Kate,

here at last, hope all is well with you and yours.

Poppy's first day at school didn't go too well by the sounds of it. Last night she was trying on her uniform and couldn't find her trousers that she wore last term. We searched and searched, but I came to the conclusion that I must have thrown them out bc they were thread bare and not good enough for another term. She was cross with me, I was apologetic, tried to find alternatives to wear, but she wasn't happy with them.She was very stressed, upset; D was getting ready to go out, was in the bathroom, mocking her for her behaviour, her swearing, saying it's bc of the company she keeps with her boyfriend etc (why does he ALWAYS say that, she is instantly on the defensive). He even laughed at her attitude at one point. I said are you going out D? Yes, Poppy said good, go now, now, I hate you.... I shut her and me in her room and talked quietly to her, she was really wound up. he came in and started trying to 'help' her by giving her unhelpful suggestions, but she was still very angry. He said to me, she's weird the way she suddenly goes crazy like that. As soon as he had gone (not soon enough bc I was skyping with K, all happened at once) she settled down and put on some tights and tried on a skirt, which wasn't REALLY suitable, but it would have to do.

Today she has been told she must get another skirt or trousers for tomorrow, and she's not allowed to wear her tragus piercing (no comment made for the whole of last year), but she says she doesn't care about being told off anymore, doesn't matter if she gets into trouble.

Like I said yesterday, I emailed her violin teacher today to say we need a break at least. I haven't heard from her back. Not only will it reduce the stress, it will also be better on the purse, sad as that is, as you know. Poppy stopped playing the clarinet 2 years ago, but I never thought she'd stop playing the violin, but I know it happens a lot at this age. Nikki played the bassoon?! Wow, that's one amazing instrument (did she learn the clarinet first, or as well? I seem to remember she did)

I also emailed her school to ask if she could drop down a set for science, she has been put to take triple science which only the top students are offered, but she really struggled through last year, and asked over and over if she could down grade bc she was finding it too stressful (they began the terminal exam course a year early so as to fit all the syllabus in). She has been in tears about it, and now 'hates' science. So today I asked if she could change courses, hoping that I wans't too late. I told them that she was under a l9ot of stress at home and I needed to help her feel better and be as happy as possibel. I know they like to push their more able students, and number of exam passes is important to them, but I hope they will listen. If I don't get a response I guess I'll have to make an appointment :(

I emailed Mark again today to update him further about Dave's solicitor situation, and that he said he isn't having anything to do with the divorce. He responded.....

 

Thank you for your email. I have returned from leave to find a letter from Dave’s solicitors confirming that they are no longer instructed. However, I do have their letter confirming that they have considered the petition and therefore I think it is worth applying to the court for Decree Nisi on the basis that Dave has indicated that he will not defend the divorce.

If the court does not accept this approach and Dave refuses to co-operate then I would need to instruct the court bailiff to personally serve him with the papers.

I think we should try option one first and if you are happy to dos so I will send you the paperwork to sign. If we can achieve that then we can move on to consider matters like the occupation of the home and financial matters generally.

So that is a little progress at least.

 

Christine didn't phone today. I know she is waiting for admission to hospital, so maybe she has been called up. I went to Kitty's and had little work to do so was bored, falling asleep while Kitty was on a phone conference. I came home and could do nothing but lie and try to sleep. I have many feelings of hopelessness today, and feel I can barely struggle anymore. As I was lying resting I had many thoughts of cutting, going through the motions in my head. I haven't cut, but feel I am very close to it.

 

I did talk long and hard with K last night, but I still feel lost. She says I'm in crisis (whatever that is). I saw my chiropractor again, who said my back is soso tense, and across my shoulders and neck. I wake in the night with one hand or both in intense pain, nothing I can do from a lying position will relieve it, only sitting up and moving, which leads to pins and needles, which at least I can settle again with. When I told the last Dr I saw about my muscle spasms in my back he said did the diazepam help? I hadn't tried them with that purpose, but I have been taking them more with that in mind. Just a worry bc I'll need to get a new script soon, but I am far from dependent on them. Co Katie was saying I must try to relax as much as I can. I talked about the flotation therapy, she said book it to have after a session with her, so I may try to next week (I'm back to weekly visits again :() She suggested I use a neck pillow in the pool. I was talking to K about it last night, feeling anxious about it, the confined space, the expectation that I must relax, float, what if I can't do it, I can but try.

 

This morning I went to my aunt's to start sorting things out for her. I spent 2 hours going through her food stuffs, most of which went out of date many years ago. And how many pots of baking powder does one single person need? I must have thrown away at least 7-8 pots, most unopened! The cat will have to go back to the RSPCA from whence she came (a condition set by them), so we'll get her there this week. She is very lonely, meowing loudly as soon as I put the key in the door. I rescued a baby mouse from her too, it was glad to be free.

 

This evening I was asked to go to my parents to discuss AA, her care, her cottage, her will, her property. We learnt a lot together (with sister Helen) but didn't make any progress with decisions. Helen will make some phonecalls tomorrow (hooray for Helen!)

 

D is out, saw him for just a few minutes. The pony is no better. Yesterday he came in from work and began telling me he would move all of the wood out of the woodshed (and sort some logs for winter)- it's a large wood store, or did he mean he was going to build something against it? I'm not sure, but anyway he wouldn't clear the stable, he would construct something instead. I said nothing, knowing that the pony needed it immediately. There is no point trying anymore, and this is the way it's always been. It won't get done. I don't know what to do except keep him in the enclosure as I am now, which is far from ideal, and there is no soft bed for him to relieve the pressure on his feet, or to lie on, - he's lying down a lot of the time. I might get a bale of straw and spread it around. It's all very well when the weather is fine, but useless when it's wet. When he's fit I will definitely look for a home for him, but he's so unfit now he'll need building up. I'll have to lunge him (which he hates) bc he won't get ridden.

 

But the 4 baby budgies are just fledging! 2 have left the nest, I love them at this stage, fully feathered, still quite small, and tame and snuggly! Once they've flown I can only catch them for a few days before they become too clever and don't need me anymore.

 

So tomorrow I see Adele, first time for 3 weeks. I'm a little nervous again, but it will be good to see her. Ziggy is still away, but I do have someone else I can be in touch with, she was supposed to email me to introduce herself, but I haven't heard from her. I'm missing Ziggy, I feel I want to see her this week.

 

Must sleep... goodnight Kate, til tomorrow

Hilary Rosex

 

 

 

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hilary Rose,

I feel so bad for Poppy! It sounds like she was under a lot of stress on her first day. Sometimes it goes like that, trying to get it all organized for the first day and you find out half of what you thought you had is either missing or lost! But I imagine that she was none to happy about Dave and his behavior towards her. Not a great way for a father to provide support to his daughter for her first day back. It seemed he acted more like a mean brother than a father. And it only made her stress much worse.

I hope the school will allow her to drop the advanced classes. They probably allow for some adjusting in the beginning of school just for situations like Poppy's. I had to move my daughter from one homeroom to another because of an issue and the school didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Hopefully it will be the same for Poppy.

Yes, Nikki still plays the clarinet. She really likes it though I still can't get her to practice at home! Although Poppy is done with violin for now, she may decide to change her mind in the future. You gave her a good foundation that she can pick back up at any time.

I'm glad to hear that Mark finally got back to you. It sounds like Dave has dropped his attorneys and has just gone back to his "denial" stage. That leaves you and Mark to carry on with the options he presented and it seems that he has a few good ones to work with. I imagine you will be glad when the ball gets rolling again.

All of this waiting for things to change probably is what has you tense and unable to relax. It is too hard to stay in limbo. If you were able to take action, then you could get rid of some of the energy you have around the divorce and Dave. It would give you an outlet. But as it is, you have no recourse and just have to keep taking in what Dave does without being able to respond. It's no wonder then that you feel so bad and tense. The treatments may help some to relieve what you feel. And maintaining those until you can get the divorce back on track and have hope of getting Dave out of the house will probably help.

It sounds like you did a great job with your aunt's home. It can't be easy clearing out her home though. So many memories and knowing that she won't come back to it kind of leaves a melancholy feel to the whole job I imagine.

Your budgies sound so cute! I can just picture them all snuggly and warm.

I am glad that Adele is back! Yay! She may be able to help you with some of the stress and tension you are feeling. And it will give you extra support to help until the divorce gets settled. I hope Ziggy is back soon too. She seems so good for you :)

Good night, dear Hilary Rose. I hope your rest is a good one and it helps you feel better. Hang in there, better days ahead!

Katex
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5417
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Kate.


 


Poppy had a better day today, but no news on the class move. And no further comment about her skirt or piercing!


 


I have barely coped with my day, had to take to my bed this morning after taking Sam to town for his driving lesson, forcing myself up just in time to shower before work with Kitty.


 


My session with Adele was disastrous, I cried the whole time, felt ashamed, tried to hide, was just a mess. I have no idea how I will be when I'm driving to see her, I wonder why. I hadn't emailed her before my session this week so I wish I had done, everything I was telling her was very muddly. But she talked about my almost zero self esteem, and D's despicable and utterly selfish behaviour, and that I mustn't let him drain me anymore, that he is like a parasite (how I've described him before). I have now emailed her some of what I may have missed out just to fill in the gaps. She made suggestions of how to stand up to him, but I just don't know if I can. She says I must do something positive for myself everyday. Phew, that will be hard. I have tomorrow off, no plans so far, so can choose in the morning.


 


Anyway, must sleep now, I am totally empty.


 


Goodnight dearest Kate,


Hilary Rosex

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

It sounds like a productive session with Adele! I know it was difficult but getting those feelings out was good. You may have been saving it up during the time she was gone and seeing her helped you let it all out. Even being muddled is better than keeping it all in!

If you want to talk more about what you and Adele worked on, we can do that whenever you are ready.

Good night, Hilary Rose! Sweet dreams to you :)

Katex

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