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JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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can you save a marriage after saving it once and then over

Customer Question

can you save a marriage after saving it once and then over the next five years begin to repeat the same mistakes again when your spouse has worked hard to repair and make things work. You know now how to avoid those mistakes for the third time and truly will do whatever it takes to prove your love, including professional help to understand why you do them. I seem to sabotage really nice things she does for me even though it hurts me too.
Do I deserve another chance. Never cheated, just didn't show her the love she deserves.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for choosing this website. You're asking if you can save your marriage after you have made the same mistakes for the third time. Unlike baseball marriages do not imply that three strikes and you're out. You need to show that you were working on these issues in earnest regardless of whether or not she wants to try again. These are issues you will face in any future relationship so dealing with them now would make the most sense. I'm sure she is tired of your apologies and she wants to see some behavioral changes. Going into therapy may be an additional way of making these changes more permanent. If you give me a better idea of what issues you're working on I can be more specific in my advice
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Since our first marriage crisis she has really tried to prove her love and committment to me for almost 6 years during which there has been 2 to 3 years of things being very good and the rollercoaster of the last three years because of my insecurities. Some due to midlife crisis and some due to male menopause. I am 57 we have been married 25 years with 4 children. I was always thinking of how things should be said and done to make me feel good. I was very selfish. From the outside looking in, even I think I was an idiot. I was expecting her to calm my anxieties instead of just getting some professional help as she suggested before. She has worked hard. I always thought of me as being a nice person, but to the one I love the most I think I was inconsiderate and hurtful. She is a good person and deserves better. I know and believe I can give her the love she deserves, doing whatever it takes to accomplish this. Including individual and couples therapy. She doesn't know if she should make the effort again after what she has given. She is mentally exhausted. Is there a way to help earn her trust in my ability to be the person I want to be and treat her as I truly want to with respect and love. She can't afford to risk anymore years of effort to have me fail. I know I wont with proper help. I feel confident, after taking some time to hear her and feel her pain, by trying to put my feet in her shoes and by trying to understand why I did what I did. I like her and I love her.


 


 


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
I have been waiting many hours tohear a reply from additional info i provided from first question. Please advise.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
I have been waiting many hours tohear a reply from additional info i provided from first question. Please advise.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I am waiting for a reply from followup info. I had no reply from you so I listed it for anyone and still have no response. Please advise.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
has not responded back
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 1 year ago.

Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.

 

I am so sorry for the delay with your previous expert. I do want to try to help you. Are you still there and willing to discuss this further? A quick question or two in the meantime. You mentioned therapy. Is she willing to attend with you? Another weird question. If I were able to ask her what was the one thing she needed to see in you in a small way that might convince her to give you one more chance, what do you think her response would be? Are you interested enough in saving your relationship to make that small change?

 

As I said, I do want to help you. I believe the answers to these questions and any other details you can provide might help me do so though. I see you are offline right now. I will be checking back periodically for your response. I will try not to keep you waiting long though.

 

Thank you!

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

She is not here right now. I think she would attend if she could think of a couple of good reasons. She would like me to take charge of caring for myself, healthwise and financially, and being a better listener. I own a small trucking company and do not draw out much salary, she is a professional woman with great work ethic and feels a lot of burden financially and relationshipwise to make things work. She is a great mom and often misses kids' events while I can attend.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 1 year ago.

Well, in response to your original question, there is always hope. It sounds as if in your case there is even greater hope than usual. it sounds to me you are both willing to work on it. That definitely gives hope.

 

You say she is "not here right no". I am assuming she is away working? Do you have the children? How often do you see her? What are some small steps you can take that would in the short time (I assume) you two are together give her the impression you are at least trying?

 

I know that is more questions, but I want to give you a well informed response.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

3 kids are at college. mom picking one up from riding lessons. I see her a lot. Labor Day you know. She hears and sees me working on corrections in my behavior. She is having difficulty in finding enough positives over the last years to put a hard effort into us.

Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 1 year ago.

Ok, here goes...

 

It sounds like you are making some genuine efforts toward repairing your relationship. Other than wHat you have been trying, the one thing I encourage you to do is give it time. It sounds as if she still cares about you and is around enough to see improvement. You just need to make sure there is improvement to see.

 

The first thing I would do is make sure she understands just how sorry you are. I know you have already told her. Tell her again, but also tell her you understand her hesitancy in accepting your apology. Tell her you aRe making changes and you hope in time she sees those changes. After that, back off and give time and change a chance to heal.

 

Then start making the needed changes. Become financially independent. Work hard, pay your bills on time, and save money. Take better care of yourself health wise. I am not sure what this means, but you are. Do what needs to be done. Last of all listen better, I believe as you make the other changes, the opportunity to do this one will present itself. Honestly, if you make the other changes, you prove you are listening already.

 

Last of all, be patient. It took years for you to reach this point. It may take years to repair it. If you push her, you push her away. You admit you deserve her separation. Do not argue otherwise. I have confidence you can repair this marriage if you follow these guidelines. Just give it time.

 

My one last pointer is seek individual and couples counseling. If she is willing, find a way to make it happen. if you had cancer, you would find time for treatment. Your marriage is ill. Seek the needed treatment.

 

I hope that was helpful. Let me know if you have questions.

 

Thank you!

JohnMichaels,MS,LPC, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 349
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JohnMichaels,MS,LPC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you for the positive feedback. I am glad I could be of help. Let me know if you ever need anything else. Remember, you can always request me by name. Best wishes...

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